Advice, Sex Matters, Life Matters
How to stop Limerence
Limerence is an intense infatuation marked by intrusive fantasies
I’ve lived with limerence in the background (and often foreground) of my life for thirty-plus years.
Not until my last limerent affair did I know about the obsession and destruction.
I see limerence in my borderline personality disorder communities under the label “favorite person.” To be fair, not all favourite people issues are limerence. There is just a huge overlap. So if you have a favorite person, please read on.
Limerence is an intense infatuation marked by intrusive fantasies. So intense it’s an obsession. And it happens in a flash. You glance upon the limerent object, or in my case heard his voice, and it’s a lightning strike, more than infatuation.
Most people don’t know their limerent object when the limerence strikes. You might be acquaintances or strangers, but it’s like this is the most perfect person.
I’ve been limerent for celebrities, older boys in school, and people I met on the internet. Occasionally, fictional characters or people I’ve seen one picture of.
This confession is embarrassing and sad. And the best feeling in the world. Limerence is ecstasy, bliss, and what I believed was True Love. Every time.
But for most of the relationship with my limerent object, it was all fantasy. I was so desperate my whole life for someone, anyone, to love me. Or like me. Want me.
There is also this emptiness in me that I am constantly escaping. Avoid that threaten to swallow my being.
Since I didn’t have a strong connection to my limerent objects, there was a ton of fantasy. I’d have this wild, amazing relationship with people I’d seen once. But in my imagination, upon a second meeting, they would become as obsessed with me. And we’d have a perfect life. Like a romance novel.
If you recognize yourself in limerence and want the feeling to disappear, here is what I know.
Start with why
Limerence is often about escape. So what are you escaping? Bad relationship? Boredom? Mental illness?
People who experience limerence often had a shitty childhood, but also a shitty present that leads to this escape via obsession. A perfect fantasy addiction.
I have zero chill. I cannot watch a mystery without seeing the end. I will obsessively read a book for days staying up late so I can get to the end. Even if it’s a romance and the answer is always happily ever after. If I pick up a new hobby, it takes over my life for a few weeks.
If I like you, it will probably be all in until I just move on. Likely, you failed my test. What test? Ah, who knows? I’m just done.
And well, my fantasies and feelings were so strong if you were my limerent object, like Mike. I believed it was true love. For those I didn’t know, I believed it could be real if only the object would fucking talk to me. Looking at you, hockey player Corey, who I was obsessed with for half my teen years.
So that’s my experience. And you know there is nothing wrong with fantasy.
The problem for me is the intrusive obsession that took over my thoughts. And my intense desire for reciprocation from my limerent object, I had to tell them my feelings, convinced that if they knew me, they would love me.
That and you know, the years of limerence during my marriage. I’m still married, hopefully over the limerence.
A couple of my limerent objects knew of my love and used it to gratify themselves. Mike fed my desire and said he loved me back. Perhaps he did, but even though there was an emotional affair, l I didn’t really know him. He is thousands of miles away. It’s easy to pretend on the internet. He could have been a narcissist, abusive, or another user.
I would escape the void, the loneliness of my marriage by looking for someone who wanted to spend every minute of his life with me.
If you are not in a position to turn your infatuation into a relationship, you must cut off all contact. If you are in a relationship, the other person is, or they aren’t interested, going no contact is important for recovery. No text, no emails, no calls, no going by their place of work to catch a glance.
Limerence will tell you that you must take action so the limerent object reciprocates. Urgency is like the biggest sign that it’s limerence not love. Love is slow and grows long term. Limerence demands NOW.
Because I’m a loser with social anxiety, I never talked to most of my limerent objects, except for sending love letters and stalking them. The online ones were the ones I talked to, but they all lived too far away for physical contact.
But I noticed this with Mike. I needed to tell him every time I thought of him. Insanely, intrusively, intense.
So, write those thoughts in a journal. Talk to your therapist. Talk to your best friend. Do not tell your limerent object.
The other intrusive issue is the fucking thoughts of the limerent object. In the depths of limerent, the constant fantasy added to the ecstasy. I loved the high I got when Mike popped into my mind. Nothing felt so good.
I’d never done drugs, even caffeine until after the affair. My affair partner was my constant high.
You may have the desire to hide from your life and indulge in a fantasy of your limerent object. Fantasy time for me was falling asleep time. Since I was never interrupted and falling asleep could take me hours, this time was perfect to imagine my perfect life with my perfect man.
So what do I do now?
Urge surfing with acceptance and commitment therapy.
Take notice of the urge and the accompanying body sensations. Name the emotions. Rate the urge.
It’s usually a bad day when I close my eyes and his face floats into my mind. My mouth curves into a smile, and a warm flutter fills my insides. Yes. yes yes.
I used to feel so much shame for just having this urge. Then I’d try to push it away while feeling miserable. Or just indulge and feel miserable.
Now I don’t fight the urge or force the fantasy. Allow and make room for the desire to fantasize. Sometimes it takes literal space in my body — belly, chest, head.
Drop into the body. Pendulation works well here. From the urge or sensation moves focus to a calm part of my body.
Then expand my awareness to reality around me. What my senses detect — really takes in the world.
This can take a few seconds or a few minutes. And once I’ve done the steps, I repeat until my brain gets bored.
That’s the plan to stop it, anyway.
Purpose
The best antidote to limerence, according to Living with Limerence, is a purposeful life.
But to get to that purpose, you need to know what you are escaping.
The best way to live with purpose is to engage with your values. What type of life do I want to live? What type of person do I want to be? How do I want to show up in the world? What do I want to accomplish?
My focus will be on that instead of the intrusive fantastical thoughts of someone I barely know. No longer will fantasy take over my life.
And of course, if you need it, seek therapy. I found the most wonderful therapist who has helped me immensely. And it’s changed my life.
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