This past week has been a personally challenging one. My body and spirit feel heavy and pained after a car accident. I try to pray for resilience and strength only to find myself in a cycle of suffering. Pity parties aside it’s been a rough news week even without personal drama.
More trans girls being murdered, more young girls of color dying or killing themselves, more Indigenous sisters disappearing. There is so much evil. There is much exhaustion. No matter how much work is being done, there is no shortage of needs that go unmet just shortage of healing hands and hearts.
It is painful to watch the world around us and see our friends, families and communities affected the way that have been. There is little solace to find in dark moments. It is easy to become jaded. Understanding that there might never be a reward for a righteous deed done, that we might not see liberation in our life time is a sobering thought. That doesn’t make the deed less our responsibility to carry out. Our ancestors bore this and so much more with so much less than all we have at this very moment. We know that our siblings struggle alongside of us and we behind them in the present and hope for a future where our children will struggle a lot less than us and our parents because of the work we have done now. Every night I go to sleep thinking:
“If I do not wake up tomorrow, will my kids forever remember me as a lover and a fighter? someone that wished so much more than *This* for them yet showed them how to love and fight for This now? Have I given my kids a vision for a equitable future? Will my ancestors be proud of my journey when we meet?”
The world is grieving constantly. Winter brings these things forth in us. Thoughts of long nights, nightmarish dreams. Short days, grey skies. Buried seeds and sleeping animals, the long hope for summer and warmth again.
The process of stillness, of death and resurrection, of darkness taking over light for a little while but with the promise of rebirth in Spring.
Before the accident last week, I wondered many times over the past few months if maybe I am not doing enough for my community. As I was traveling from DC to RVA via FXBG after having a confrontation with a event manager at the Smithsonian. A group of POC ahead of myself and I were denied access to a public event which was confirmed attendance in the thousands but could only seat a fraction of that. People from all over the DMV came to this event, took off of work just to be told at the door that the event was at capacity. All of this while white museum staff members took up seats which could have easily been given to us. As per usual, white people gate-keep museum institutions from the public, from the People that these educational institutions and their programs are supposed to serve, my people are being denied access to information and participation in conversation with our very leaders. Fuming about the incident I posted about it on Facebook and ten minutes later my life changed in a flash — as the car came to a stop all I could think about is my loved ones. It took awhile to process but through the week, after dealing with much anxiety and depression as well as pain from the accident (and the subsequent flare ups) on top of dealing insurance claims bullshit, being temporarily unemployed, doctors visits and toilet paper runs. Personal realization time: I can’t live my life with my foot on the gas pedal anymore than I could with the brakes on. I need to learn how to manage time, delegate more and say no when I need to. My Spirits scream: “It is time to take a rest. Hibernate mama bear!” This accident could have turned completely different and I cannot live a life of regret if now I do not give my kids all of me as well as to give myself the best most compassionate care I can give me.
Winter is time to sleep, time to bury yourself. Time to replenish. I am taking more care to think of that. Take more time to heal, the opportunity for love and closer friendships and to burrow deeper into the earth, into the warm dirt that helps you grow and break out of your shell, hoping that in time for Spring you’ll sprout tall. I encourage you to join me in doing the same in your life. Take Care.
Hold space for yourself and your friends during every day type of trial stuff and show up and support your friends in the ways that They ask you to help when things get critical in their lives. Peoples are the experts of their own experience, it is so important to listen and to follow them and give space when space is needed. It’s winter get warm within yourself and give yourself permission to rest now and imagine the oncoming Spring.
