How Is Motherhood Going?
It’s many things, all at the same time
It is 02:24 AM and I am feeding my son.
This is the 3rd feeding on this long cold night. I am sleepy. It’s a big temptation, but I can’t sleep with him in my arms. I grab the remote and check YouTube.
One video catches my attention. It is a child-free woman going through messages from women who regretted becoming mothers. I clicked on the video and started watching.
The issues raised were tough to hear but expected. Difficult pregnancies, birth traumas, sleep deprivation, loss of freedom, uncooperating co-parents, and kids being expensive. All the things I had read about.
Then I went into the rabbit hole, watching more videos and reading articles on motherhood.
Biased sources on motherhood
I am a career woman and a planner. Even in my most spontaneous action, I have a plan B and C in my head.
I researched motherhood before I had my child. But now that I am a mother, I noticed many things I wasn’t aware of. Like many women, I had mainly seen the glamorous side of motherhood — the one filled with love and purpose. The one that is “all worth it.”
The sources I explored only approached motherhood from one perspective. They were biased towards encouraging women to have children. None of them had reasons why a woman should choose not to have children.
How motherhood is
When I meet my friends and colleagues, they ask me “How is motherhood?” Their questions confuse me every time they ask. My inner voice tells me to answer immediately, but I know my answer will not be the whole truth.
Motherhood is amazing, frustrating, fun, rewarding, disappointing, good and bad, all at the same time.
I adjust my answer depending on who is asking and why they are asking. For most colleagues, they are being polite by asking, so I keep it simple. I’ll say something like, “It's nice, they grow up so fast!” For my friends, I go into depth, discussing both the good and the bad. I let them know I’m okay and will call them if I need support.
What I tell prospective parents
For my friends who are deciding whether to be parents, I suggest they explore child-free content. I’m not trying to discourage them. The child-free movement is the only place that has concrete questions and concerns about parenthood. The movement is clear about why parenthood may not be for them.
Most child-free creators provide perspectives on parenthood without hatred and emotion. If anyone absorbs the information and still wants to be a parent, then they are ready.
I also advise them to ignore those who say that there is a village to support parents. This belief discounts the fact that new parents have to build the village first. And frequently, the people who you think will be your village are the first to disappoint.
For those with a single doubt about parenthood, I suggest staying child-free. The only reason I stay sane and connected to my son is because I want him in my life so badly.
My experience as a mother
Motherhood encompasses both the needs of the baby and the mother. Baby’s needs are easiest — food, rest, and love. The mother’s needs are more complex. I have to balance, sanity, discipline, and dedication.
My life changed completely once I became a mother. I didn’t believe in instant change before I had a baby, but now I do. The moment my son landed in my arms, I was different. My life and feelings broke down to their rawest form. I am no longer indifferent. Today I hate or I love. I say yes or no.
I only get to be a mother to my son, so I want to experience that fully. I won’t go anywhere without my child. Though I will have to pass on many opportunities, the things I say yes to will matter.
For me, motherhood was a decision and a privilege, never a sacrifice.
