4 STEPS TO DEAL WITH TEMPER TANTRUMS OF TODDLERS
Parenting is a beautiful experience with its own bittersweet experiences, challenges, learnings, and a whole lot of fun. But if there is something parents dread the most, it would be temper tantrums.
What is a tantrum?
A tantrum is an uncontrolled outburst of anger or frustration typically seen in children between the ages of 1–4 years and generally peaks around the age of 2. That is when we call it the phase of the ‘terrible two.’
So, I started experiencing these tantrums in my twins when they were going to be 2 years, and that is when I realized that the phase of the terrible two is here; but alas, I had no idea of how terrible it would be! Those days were crazy, to say the least. I remember my children throwing tantrums and unable to handle them. I would flare up, making the whole situation worse. All in all, it was chaos at home. I knew I had to find a way out.
Then I initiated my research on managing temper tantrums that could get some sanity back in our lives. I was interested in some methods that would render positive results at the earliest.
With lots of trial and error, I zeroed down on the following 4 steps, which proved to be quite effective in handling my twins' temper tantrums quite successfully.
1. Be calm:
Yes, this has been stated repeatedly, and its easier said than done but being calm is so critical. Trying to manage a child in a tantrum without us being calm is like going to a battle without our armor. Think of it this way; how could you comfort or soothe a child in the midst of a tantrum when we ourselves are not calm? Our peace and tranquility during our child’s tantrum save the situation from going downhill. Look at the situation as an opportunity to be the role model and teach your child to learn to be calm. What works for me is a couple of deep breaths. The moment I realize my child has started to throw a tantrum, I first try to keep my emotions in check before salvaging the situation. Sometimes when circumstances allow, I tell my child (while he/she is amid a tantrum), “Mamma needs to cool down” I take some deep breaths (sometimes my child watches me doing this), and I’m good to go.
2. Connect with your child:
This is one step that was a big learning for me, which I feel many parents tend to ignore. This can be done by bending down to your child's eye level, looking at your child eye to eye, and trying to get a physical connection like holding, hugging them, or rubbing their back. At this stage, even if your child is screeching or crying, it doesn’t stop you from connecting with your child, right! Here, you give your child a feeling of security that ‘your mom/dad is here with you; you are safe.’ During a tantrum, a child is going through a tough time. Their brain has not yet developed to comprehend what emotions they are going through. At this point, connection and a feeling of security are the least we could give our child, right! Let us be their safe place.
3. Validate their feelings:
Validation means recognizing, acknowledging, and accepting their feelings. Whatever your child may be feeling, be it anger, sadness, or frustration, allow them to feel it. At this point, you could verbalize the feeling, i.e., giving a name to the feeling — like what I say is, “ I can see you are angry,” “Ah! You seem really frustrated!” The child would feel that his/her parent(s) understand them and are on the same page. By introducing to the vocabulary of feelings early on, your child would better express themselves in words rather than actions or tantrums in the future. Also, be mindful that your tone is empathetic and not sarcastic.
Here I would like to add that though you may disagree with why your child should throw such a big tantrum for such a small thing, please DO NOT disregard their feelings. What is silly for you may be of utmost importance for your child. For example, if someone doesn’t share a toy with your child and they end up in a tantrum. We may find it insignificant, but for the child, it must be of major significance. So, allow your child to vent out.
4. Cooling down with brainstorming:
Now when you see your child is done with all the venting out and seems more relaxed and comfortable, you could start talking to him/her and ask questions so that you and your child understand the tantrum's genesis. Help them to find solutions to avoid such an episode of a tantrum in the future rather than resorting to advices, bribes, or threats. Henceforth, the child feels empowered and responsible for taking charge of his/her emotions and the resultant action or behavior.
When we as parents change our perspective and view a temper tantrum as a process of venting out locked up emotions or a toddler’s cry for help, we can guide our children to regulate their emotions. Ever since I developed this perspective, I see tantrums as opportunities to emotionally coach my children, which aids in self-regulation; self-regulation is one of the key skills in emotional intelligence.
Isn’t it a revelation that ‘a temper tantrum, when dealt well, can be instrumental in raising an emotionally intelligent child’!
P.S. To know about the ‘causes of tantrums and how to avoid them’, watch this space.
