How Does My Autistic Son Become My “Spiritual Guru”
He is tiny and cute. But sometimes fiery as a tiger, ready to attack. He was born prematurely on New Year's eve weighing only 1 kg. As tiny as a bottle that makes everyone devastated.
I remember at that time, I couldn’t feel anything. I feel like I’m not really there experiencing those shocking birthing experience. I was frozen in time.
Some part of myself didn’t really accept it.
Some part of myself pretending like I’m okay and strong that nobody will feel sorry for me.
Some part of me wants to hide from everybody and the world.
Some part of me was really angry to god, “Why God? Why?”
Some part of me, blaming my self and questioning my worth as a mother.
Some part of me, wished that the earth will swallow me.
After 3 months in NICU, finally, he can go home. I remember that time I thought that” Oh, finally the misery has ended. I’m sure God will help me and stop giving me problems.”
One year later, I started to notice that something was not right with him. He has no eye contact, and all of his milestones were delayed. My broken heart was crushed with a flash of lightning. I felt more alone, lonely, and super angry. I keep it to myself because my ex-partner was emotionally unavailable.
I tussled for 7 years, trying to heal him and make him “normal.” I didn’t realize that all I did was for myself and not for him. All of my “good and hard work” for him was all masks to cover my ego and emptiness.
I never really see him as he is. I saw him through my distorted and broken lens. At that time, I never really love him because I was too focused on the wrong thing. I only saw his inability and his lack. How can I love?
Long story short, he came to rock my world. He came to bring me out from the matrix. I used to think that autism was a curse. But now, I am deeply grateful for saying that autism is a blessing in disguise. If I can hop in a time capsule, I would not change anything. Everything is perfect.
He Taught Me To Be Authentic
There is a hidden desire inside me that longing for something real, but I am too afraid to follow my heart. I knew that I’m different and unique, unlike the ‘normal’ society. I felt imprisoned by my marriage and the social structure.
Somehow this little boy is guiding me slowly towards my truth. He shows me to be authentic in every moment. He never holds back. If he’s angry, he will show it. If he’s sad, he will cry instantly. If he wants to go somewhere, he took my hand right away.
I knew that I’m not my authentic self. My heart, my mind, and my words were never aligned. They always contradict each other. Lethargy and illness was my common state. I started to listen to my inner voice and soul. Slowly, I gathered all of my power back. This little boy is like my lighthouse.
He taught me how to handle anger by invoking all of my anger repertoires.
He throws away my diamond earring into the toilet. He throws away all of my clothes and making a big mess. He bites my hands while I was driving until bleeding. He often pulls my hair harshly until I cried. He likes to play with his poop, and this makes me extremely angry and sad at the same time.
He is always so active that he makes me so tired that I want to cry. He likes to flood the floor wherever there is a sink. He is biting me in the mall while screaming and makes me look like I’m a bad mother. He makes me feel like I am the worst mother in the world because I can’t understand him.
I hit rock bottom. I knew that all of the things he did were to get some attention because he didn’t feel seen. It was his way to get some love. I learned my lessons, slowly my anger dissipates and turns into wisdom.
The anger that I felt was already there long before he was born. He is a little messenger that makes me aware of my anger. He shows me my “hidden gem.” If it weren’t because of him, I would be still asleep and unconscious.
He “force” me to get out of the Matrix
Because of his autism, I am aware of the old schooling system, the society paradigm, and the rules are all illusions designed not for humanity's highest good. It is all for generalizations and control systems.
Somehow I feel free because of him. I am free to choose the new path because I am at zero-point now. We landed on Waldorf Education and were very pleased with the holistic approach that combines body, mind, and soul. In Waldorf, the teacher will not tell the children what to do so that the children learn to develop their free will.
No wonder I don’t have any willingness to pursue something because my free will has never been developed. Waldorf education will prepare the children from the root, the senses, the feelings, the emotions, the movement, and nature.
My son brings me back into my essence through our journey together. I learned mindfulness, meditation, and a new thinking mind. I feel reborn again. I am out from the Matrix.
He widens my heart as deep as an ocean
To love is to understand. I have a hard time understanding him. I don’t know how to act and behave to accommodate his uniqueness. The harder I try, the more distant I feel.
I have to shed my ego little by little. I knew that my heart has to be pure to be able to understand him. How can I love him if I don’t understand him?
To love him, I have to go through a metamorphosis of self. I have to meet him where he is. He is an awakened soul; therefore, I must evolve. He deserves an ocean of love and a deep presence.
I am no longer the same woman. I am blessed to be given this magical opportunity. He is my tiny spiritual teacher.
Autism is not a disorder
In a higher perspective, people with autism are unique individuals holding so much “light” that are overwhelming to be in the physical body. Autistic people are actually more advanced than other people. The increasing neuron activity in their brain makes them feel like one foot in and one foot out.
It’s like living in two worlds simultaneously. Can you imagine living like that and nobody understands you? How would you feel?
We can’t solve a problem at the same level as the problem. We must rise higher and see it with a light of awareness. We must unlearn our old thinking patterns and relearn a fresh perspective.
A New World
Autistic people don’t belong to the old system. They are here to awaken us and teach us. They are unique, so the first step is to accept their uniqueness. Throw away any labels, beliefs, or agenda about them. We need to evolve to be able to see them and to love them.
Autism is not about the child. It’s more about the parents. The child is serving the parents. It is a privilege to be the chosen one. Open your heart, and they will show you the new world.