“AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?” MODERN PARENT CONTEST
I Tried To Keep My Tween Of f TikTok During The Pandemic, But I Got Addicted Myself
2020 was anything but normal and watching talented dancers and the child of two well known political figures implode was a welcome distraction.
I’m on my phone in the bathroom with the door locked. I’m not sure how long I’ve been on the TikTok app. I set the timer for fifteen minutes, but that was at least 20 minutes ago. I can hear my daughter coming up the stairs but I’m watching @georgehahnnyc say “Fer Mee” and it’s hilarious. I need to close the app before she sees me.
“What is it exactly?” I asked my 10-year-old at the beginning of the quarantine, when she asked if she could download TikTok. The rule in our house is — no social media until she’s 13. She didn’t even have her own phone. But with no opportunity for face-to-face interaction with friends, I was rethinking all of our screen regulations.
“You can set parental controls. I’d watch less than an hour a day,” my baby said as we watched her 20-year-old sister dance the way she’d learned from the app.
“I don’t think so,” I said. I was not about to get on that slippery slope to Instagram and SnapChat where she’d learn she was too fat or not invited or that her skin wasn’t filter-flawless. I would keep her off of a device for at least 3 more years.
But three months into lockdown, she broached the subject again.
“Just look at the parental controls and then decide,” she said. She wore me down.
TikTok showed 60 second videos on everything of interest to a tween — music, DIY projects, baking — I could see why she wanted it so much. The parental control was simple enough — once she set it up for me, and we could block nefarious actors as long as she kept her account private. Some of the music was dirty, but it’s that way on the radio so that ship had sailed. Whatever she “liked” would come up again. Soon she had great fashion ideas, science projects and cooking experiments. It seemed harmless and fun.
Out of boredom, I downloaded my own account and my habit was growing. TikTok took my mind off the stressful time that was 2020. My skin never looked as good since I’d been following @soniavalencia0303 for makeup tips. I cooked like a gourmet with @cookingwithdarryl, and I was managing my hot flashes with tips from @galvestondiet.
I worried about addiction for her and for me. I’m not sure I would have enjoyed it as much during regular times, but the year was anything but normal and watching talented dancers and the child of two well known political figures implode was a welcome distraction.
I allowed my girl thirty minutes a day. Unlike me, she set her timer and quit at the bell. I convinced myself that she was learning self-control and responsible use of social media.
A month later, a warning came from her school. A man had shot himself on a TikTok video and removing it from the app was tricky. There was no telling how or when it would show up.
As soon as I heard, I told my daughter she couldn’t go on TikTok anymore.
“Until when?” she cried.
“When it’s safe,” I told her.
“When will it be safe?”
That was the question. When a child goes onto a social media site, they walk alone down a street where dangers abound. Parental controls only control so much. Who knew what lurked within a “cute puppy” video? I couldn’t risk it.
Meanwhile @lisaremillard was keeping me apprised of scary political things in a palatable way, @epidemiologistkat was teaching me about Covid and @betweentwofernss had me laughing out loud no matter what I’d been feeling 60 seconds prior. I didn’t want my distractions taken away. I felt my daughter’s pain.
I felt guilty watching when she couldn’t, so I started hiding my TikTok-time; I let the shower run for a few minutes before getting in. I swiped while I was walking the dog and once I hid in the wine closet under the stairs. I could have easily told my daughter that as a grown-up, I could handle whatever was shown to me. But I’ve always tried to model what I expect from my kids.
She’d been off TikTok for months when I heard her say a catchphrase that had been trending, and when she watched over her sister’s shoulder, she did the dance numbers like she was an Abby Lee protege. I raised an eyebrow at her and she said, “It’s an old dance, from the beginning of quarantine.”
I saw a lot of dancing back then, and I didn’t recognize it. I tried to check her phone. She got one for her 11th birthday, but she knows how to hide an app and without the parental controls set on her account, she can go on TikTok.com and see anything. She was in more danger without my permission to watch than she would have been with consent. She shouldn’t lie to me but I can’t prove that she did and I’m so hooked on the dang thing myself, I’m not sure I wouldn’t beg borrow and steal for a few minutes of watching super-dogs jump off of buildings and land solidly on their feet.
So last month I told her if she finished her schoolwork early, she could watch with her dad, her sister or me, for 15 minutes a night. When I’m it, it’s torture.
Hers is a tween algorithm. I long for a 60 second recipe by @katherinewants or some creepy political news from @marcus.dipaola. What I get is a lot of middle school girls talking about their best friends and styling Brandy Melville outfits. All the clothes look the same! I want to scream, but I won’t yuck her yum.
She is quick to swipe when anything looks inappropriate or if there is cussing. She does something weird when she really likes a video. She swipes right instead of up and taps to the left….I don’t know. She’s far more adept at it than I. Something’s fishy.
Before the pandemic, I said no phone before 7th grade and no social media before 13. She’s 11 ½ now. She has a phone and full access to Pinterest and YouTube. Watching TikTok with her has me convinced she is responsible enough to keep herself safe, or at least safe-ish. She’s showed far more discipline than I have and she’s earned the right to watch. I’d like to surprise her by replacing it on her phone; If only I could figure out how to do it without her help.
I’m still afraid for my little girl. The pandemic kept her sheltered from mean girls and boyfriends and all the things little girls do too early. She’s back in school now with no time for 30 minutes a day of TikTok, but summer is coming and she’s proved that she can handle it. She’s growing up and now that the world is opening, she will face problems and obstacles in 4D and on the screen. After a year of having her safely at home, I’m excited and terrified for her.
I’m trying to wean myself off TikTok as I still lose up to an hour a day swiping for entertainment, but now more than ever, I need the distraction.
