I was Addicted to Watching Mommy Vloggers
I spent hours watching other women live their lives on YouTube, and it destroyed my mental health.
Alright, I’ll admit it, I am recovering from an addiction to watching YouTube. Not just any YouTube, I might add, but mommy vloggers in particular. It all started when I was a new mom. I had just turned twenty, newly married, a new mom to a baby with special needs, and transitioning into being a stay at home mom living off of one income. I wonder how I ever did it, money was super tight, my marriage was rocky, and my daughter's future was uncertain.
A few months ago, I watched YouTube and stumbled across a man who was “exposing” family vloggers. As I watched him criticize these women for how fake the lives they are putting out on the internet was, I slowly realized how much I actually watched and believed these women. Then I started scrolling through the comments and saw other women talking about how these women had affected their mental health. It got me thinking; I got through the hard times by disassociating from my life by watching a life I didn’t have. It made me feel better in the moment, but it destroyed my mental health in the long run.
Life was hard in the early days of my motherhood. We used cloth diapers out of necessity, I bought used baby clothes out of the quarter bin at our local consignment shop, and I was off of my ADHD Medication because I was breastfeeding. I struggled to do basic homemaking tasks because of my ADHD, so our house was a wreck. After a traumatic birth experience, I struggled to bond with my newborn. My life stood in stark contrast to the lives of the women I saw on my phone, the life I so desperately wanted. Their houses were spotless, even before spending an hour cleaning. They had brand new clothes on themselves and their children, new décor for each season, and they seemed to have loving relationships with their husbands and their children.
I justified the hours I spent watching YouTube because it was “inspirational,” a term the women I watched used about themselves a lot. They would frequently talk about how they hoped their viewers would go clean their house after watching. It never happened, but I still believed what I was doing would magically turn me into the mom I wanted to be. That is if I had the same cleaning supplies as them. These women would sell products, and understandably so. It’s their job. I didn’t understand that back then. I truly believed that if I somehow obtained the same vacuum or scented cleaner, then my whole life would change, and I would have that dream life. I had a little problem though, I couldn’t afford those things. This left me feeling hopeless. Yet, I still watched.
I’m not quite sure when this thing turned into an addiction. Somewhere along the line, my life changed: My financial situation changed, my daughter grew up and crushed all those fears I had about her life, I went back on my medication, and my marriage improved with removing those stressors. But I still watched, impulsively, this time buying into what they were selling and feeling disappointed that it didn’t magically make my life perfect. “What was wrong with me?” I’ve often asked myself. I am doing everything they are saying, so it must be me. It wasn’t; it was them. Well, not them exactly, but the fact that their life is their job. Making other women feel like they have it all together is their job. Being perfect is their job.
I look back on the time of my life where I allowed these images of perfection to fog my view of myself and my family, and it makes me sad. I feel sad for the years lost to my mental illness and addiction. I feel sad for my kids who have had to share their mom. All I can do now is grieve and move on.
I know better now, and I will do better.
