Is it Autism?
Grappling with a tough question and seeking answers early.
I remember a time when I thought to myself, “it isn’t autism, so what is it?” I knew all the signs and symptoms. I had read every Tony Atwood book in print, so I definitely knew what autism looked like. The pediatrician initial screenings were negative because eye contact was great, but somehow, we saw a great deal of struggle over seemingly basic activities. We had so many questions: is he still teething, why do little things upset him so badly, and why does it seem like we are trudging through quicksand every day?
After all, we‘d filled out every ages and stages form that the pediatrician gave, and so far, he was on track, just a bit behind in some areas yet way ahead in others. We continued to show up at the pediatrician with a very uncomfortable baby. An ARNP assured us that we needed to relax and massage the baby’s tummy and don’t worry, it would be fine. We wasted at least two appointments/copays on meetings with that particular nurse.
I started to wonder if we were anxious parents after all.
Couldn’t we just ignore everything? Screaming is normal, right? Having a child is supposed to be excruciatingly difficult every moment of every day, right? American pop culture teaches that having a child is akin to walking on glass while on fire. Family, friends, and strangers on the internet were dead set on letting us know that anything and everything we could possibly experience was “normal.”
So what is normal anyway? We were told that teething for several months at a time was “normal,” not talking until 4 years of age “normal,” feeding difficulties were all normal! Taking one hour to eat a bottle, with great difficulty, normal! We had a certified lactation consultant tell us that we needed to let a 4-week old cry 24–48 hours to get him to breastfeed. A lactation consultant let us know that he would eventually stop screaming and eat.
Finally, the neurologist that informed us that “it can be normal” for a 2 year old child to daily sleep just 4 hours in a 24 hour period” He added of “course that doesn’t make things ‘easy’ for parents, but it can be entirely normal.”
A few years later, we realized that the neurologist had written on the office visit that we were “anxious parents.” So maybe everything is fine after all, and it was our parenting that needed to change. After all, the neurologist had noted that we brought too many books, and toys for our son to use during a 2-hour dr. visit. I mean, he definitely wasn’t quiet like the kids in the waiting room, who were glued to their iPads and cell phones.
“Every kid does that.”
Do you hear “every kid does that” whenever you express a concern? Every kid screams when you put their clothes on them, you clearly have to force it and let them scream. Every baby screams and thrashes when put in the tub, on the changing table, and it is most definitely normal for a child to scream uncontrollably whenever put on their tummy, that’s why those super cute tummy time mirrors exist.
“Have you tried a toy for distraction?”
It was at moments like this, that in retrospect I felt my eyes roll so hard that my head hurt. No, we’re obviously complete imbeciles and never thought about trying to distract our son with…a toy. These conversations led us, as a couple, to shut down, little by little. I really didn’t want to hate people for being dismissive, but was anyone listening? The explanations that I would give other parents for our son’s behaviors became few and far between because “this is all normal, right?” We are told that the problem was a need for incessant playdates, or maybe we should hurry up and “have another” because that will most definitely fix every problem that we could ever encounter! I am sure we could just squeeze it in between weekly therapy appointments and work.
But hey, even if something is off, don’t worry, he will definitely “grow out of it.” Pre-school, a schedule and socialization will fix everything!
Why can’t we, as a culture, recognize that sometimes, children do need more support? Why are random people on the internet and otherwise shutting down discussions of parents who have genuine concerns? Are we as a culture so terrified of enabling “helicopter parents” that we would rather step out of our lane and give unsolicited and unfounded advice that we aren’t trained to give? Why are so many willing to give advice that could risk a lifetime of missed opportunities for children and families who need support? Why do we see dismissive advice given at every turn? I don’t have any answers on why people with zero experience in the realm of childhood development are giving advice. No, having kids does not make you an expert on developmental delays, it does not make you a doctor or a teacher, there I said it! I don’t have the answers, but I do have questions:
- What will you, as a parent, lose if you have honest conversations with professionals that have your child’s best interest?
- Why listen to someone who hasn’t spent 5 minutes with your child?
- What happens if the advice is incorrect? Who picks up the pieces?
- Why am I listening to someone who is dismissing concerns?
If you think that something seems off and you have questions, don’t be pressured away from seeking professional help through a full evaluation. Your pediatrician can refer you to an OT for an OT evaluation, the school district for speech/early intervention programs or a neuropsych for a full evaluation.
