Planting seeds

How to explain consent now, so she owns it later

Thanks to #metoo, #timesup, and the long-overdue disclosure of rampant, harmful misogyny, ‘consent’ has finally become a recognized value that needs to be taught to our children, even when they’re young.

If you plant seeds of information now about what consent means, as your girl grows and the subject of consent winds its way into more mature topics of conversation, you’ll have given her the tools she needs to make good decisions.

The goal is to help her rely on the ideas you taught her while she was young to feel like she owns those ideas as she grows into adulthood.

Familiar Borders

As adults, the concept of ‘boundaries’ is fairly easy to understand. But for kids, it’s fuzzy at best.

Because boundaries can be such an abstract concept, it’s best to use an easily-identifiable visual metaphor when explaining it to your girl.

For example, if your girl is into horses, you could connect the concept of boundaries to the fences that contain horses to their pasture. Or you could apply the same concept to court markings if she’s into tennis, or lane lines if she’s into swimming, or borders if she’s into geography, or lines on the page if she’s into writing or drawing. You get the idea.​

​”The more you hand over to children, the more they feel in control of their learning. “ — Becky Carlzon, ‘Learning Power Kids’
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Hopefully, as the years unfold, the more ownership of ‘boundaries’ she’ll feel. And the more ownership she feels, the easier it will be for her to apply the values you teach her to scenarios in her own life. ​​

Your own BFF

Once you feel like your girl has a solid understanding of boundaries, it’s a good time talking about how boundaries can be used for self-protection. Here are some words you could use: ​

• “Boundaries are everywhere. They’re even around humans to protect them from other people who say or do mean things. You can’t see human boundaries, but they’re there.”
• “You and you alone are in control of the invisible boundary around you. You are completely in charge, either putting it up or taking it down.”
• “Some people are never fun to be around. They do or say mean things that make you feel bad. That’s when it’s okay to put up your invisible boundary. But make sure you take it down after they’re gone. Otherwise, it could become a habit always to have your invisible boundary up.”
• “We can’t control other people. But we can control how close those people get to us.”
• “It’s always best to respect other people. But the most important person you need to respect is yourself. And one of the best ways to do that is to put up your invisible boundary.”​​
• “Sometimes you have to be your own best friend and protect yourself from other people who don’t know how to be respectful and kind.”​

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Any combination of the suggested words above will hopefully help her make a mental connection between boundaries and self-respect.

Ongoing conversations

The ideas here aren’t meant to be communicated to your girl in one formal, sit-down, dictatorial conversation. Instead, try to casually insert ideas about boundaries and body autonomy into random life events and conversations. Her brain most likely isn’t ready yet to process a formal discussion about consent.

While she’s growing, casually plant seeds of information here and there. For example, suppose a classmate named Jodi took her favorite sweater without asking.

​Ask your girl how it made her feel. Guide her response toward an understanding that Jodi wrongly violated her boundaries because she didn’t have consent to take the sweater.

When she’s developmentally ready, she’ll be able to absorb a more mature discussion of consent using the ongoing, informal seeds of information you’ve been offering.

The ultimate goal is to help her own the idea that she’s the only one in charge of protecting her boundaries and making sure no one crosses them without her consent.

Originally published at http://www.deiforparents.com