Teaching Gender to Young Children
Last weekend my one-year-old son was playing with our friends' seven-month-old daughter. It was an innocent encounter. Each child curious about the other and reaching out to touch or exchange words by babbling. During this sweet moment, someone commented that the children were on a date. This was innocuous and meant to be funny, but then the fictional scene was verbally played out by all the adults in the room.
Baby girls father to my son, “We need to talk before you go anywhere with my angel. I’m watching you!” (Stern look)
Female friend to the baby girl, “You better make him pay, honey!” (Giggling)
Baby girls mother to both children, “She isn’t happy! You better try harder, little guy.” “It’s okay honey; it’s good to be picky.” (All adults laugh)
To be a mother to a baby boy has changed the way I see gender norms. I have been reading about child psychology, and how our boys are indoctrinated into the masculine adults, they are expected to copy what other men do. It breaks my heart to realize that someday my innocent 1-year-old son is destined to be treated like he has an agenda with women, and countless other typical male stereotypes will be imposed upon him. I must prepare for him.
Parents often find opportunities to teach manners, responsibility, and positive behavior, but gender is learned without realizing it. Adults act like men and women and impose gender norms on children without naming or explaining this gender thing. If adults aren’t aware of this, then what exactly are we teaching our children? Should we not be more intentional about it?
Children are born with a personality intact. They are not born knowing how to act like a boy or a girl. Teachers, family, and television teach our children how boys act and how girls act— even what they wear, toys they should play with, and colors they should prefer. Parents and caretakers need to help children understand that these prescriptions of gender are rules to be challenged. It is much more important that children pay attention to each other's character and learn respect and manners than separate themselves into performing genders. This is especially important to help girls break out of the submissive and inferior roles often expected of them and boys to break out of the dominant and aggressive roles they are expected to play.
They are just children. Like a fish doesn’t recognize water unless they find themselves outside of it, children don’t recognize the atmosphere and culture they are growing up in unless pointed out to them. Imposing gender stereotypes on children as young as one year old may initially be playful and harmless but consider that their developing brains are often described as “little sponges” absorbing and learning behavior, language, and consequence at every turn. We can teach respect, manners, and curiosity without always gendering them.
Our Western society will inevitably influence my son, his opinions, actions, and perception of the world. I think my job as his parent is to name and explain these norms. I want to help open his eyes to the bigger picture, so he has an opportunity to challenge these norms or at least walk through the world aware of society’s rules for him.
I will not go as far as to say, “let’s wait until my child decides what gender he wants to be.” He was born a boy. Until he tells me otherwise, I will continue referring to him as ‘son.’ I still want to give him the best opportunity to be a good person first — and a man second.
