The bedtime ritual that gave us back our evenings
Putting our daughter to bed used to be so easy until she was about two years old. We then had to change her bedtime routine drastically to avoid parental burnout. We had great success with an icon-checklist pinned to the bathroom door.
In the worst of times, it took us two hours to put her to bed, twice a day, for naps and evenings. It coincided with the birth of her younger brother and the start of the global covid-19 pandemic. Due to social distancing restrictions, we had no help from friends and family. We were exhausted. We urgently needed time to relax, time for us alone. The only way to get it was for our toddler and newborn to sleep at the same time. We had to change our approach.
This is easier said than done. We struggled for several months to find a solution that would consider our need for more self-care time and our daughter's needs.
We had to consider her needs to come closer to our needs.
For a very long time, we got her needs wrong. After her younger brother's birth, she was no longer our only child and could no longer get our full attention. We thought her difficulty falling asleep was due to her wanting to spend time with us alone once her younger brother was already in bed.
As a solution, the bedtime ritual got longer and longer. On a typical evening, we would read stories, sing songs, retell her day, count the light balls above her bed (in French and in German), listen to an audio story, listen to songs, give her a hug standing, a hug lying, a noisy kiss, a quiet kiss, a big kiss, a small kiss and so on.
Not only did the ritual get longer and longer, but so did the time she spent falling asleep afterward. She did not stay in her bed and always left her room with a new “good” reason, from blowing her nose to cutting a hanging down fingernail.
We were dreading bedtime and worrying about how long it would take even before it started
This bedtime routine clearly was not working anymore. We were quickly getting impatient, often very frustrated and sometimes angry. All she had to do was go to bed and sleep as she used to a few months ago. And yet, she was defying us, preventing us from getting some urgently needed quiet time.
The solution to this nightmare was to change the ritual drastically.
We established a list of what was necessary before going to bed: brushing her teeth and putting on her pajamas. Then we included the pretexts she took the most often to leave her bed: drinking some water, cutting her fingernails, using the toilet, and blowing her nose.
We pinned a large piece of paper with six big icons she could easily recognize to the bathroom door.
The goal was to allow her to follow the checklist and feel reassured we had done everything. After all, this is what falling asleep is all about: letting go.
Her biggest need was to spend more time with us.
But what she wanted the most wasn’t on the checklist, though. After her younger brother was asleep, she alone could be with her parents. We wanted to honor this need, but we made sure it wasn’t part of a dysfunctioning bedtime ritual loaded with negative feelings. After she was done with the checklist, we decided that she could stay with us for a short time in the living room and did not have to go to bed immediately.
After 15 minutes, we brought her to bed and tucked her in, telling her that we loved her before leaving the room. Sometimes we have to wait a few minutes in front of her door to remind her to stay in her bed. If she gets up, we bring her back directly; no more cuddles. If she is agitated, we give her a last hug and kiss, but we clarify that this is the last one. Most nights, it takes her no more than 5–10 minutes to fall asleep alone on her own.
Some nights, it does take her more time to fall asleep, and we had to learn that this is ok, too. Before, our bedtime ritual was focused on making her sleep. But the complete opposite was happening; she would not stay quietly in bed but instead yell and run around.
Turns out you cannot force a toddler to sleep or stay in their bed.
But you can control your reaction to their behavior. We thought that she had to be asleep for our evening to start. After she is in bed, we start reading a book, discussing our day, doing some exercise, or watching TV, even if she is not asleep yet. If she gets out of her room, we don’t ignore her; we simply bring her back to bed. We do this firmly and confidently and go right back to what we were doing.
A key element was discussing what was going to happen at bedtime during the day. Explaining how after the checklist, she’ll have some alone time with us before we bring her to bed, where she’ll then get a last hug. We stressed that after that, we as parents also needed some time for us.
After a few evenings, she learned to let go and fall asleep while her parents enjoy some quiet time.
I look forward to hearing about your bedtime strategies, so don’t hesitate to share them in the comments!
Thank you to all the parents in the Your Parenting Mojo Group and the wonderful educators at “Centre de vie enfantine Cour” who helped us with strategies to tackle this parenting problem.
