The girl with the blue hair? Yup, she’s my daughter.

There is a Progressive auto-insurance commercial you may have seen once or twice in which a young man walks into a hardware section of a store with blue hair. The other adults in the commercial can’t stop staring. That kid with the blue hair — well, it's my daughter. A few weeks ago, it was purple; a couple of weeks from now, I think she’s going orange.

Since our daughter was little, we have let her color her hair in some way or another. At first, it was just a strip here or there, but now (at 18), she has a full head of aquamarine hair — and it is beautiful. Somewhere along the way, though, I found myself not allowing it as easily as I once did or do today. There was a point in time that I can’t put my finger on when people started looking at her like she was ‘less than’ because of the color of her hair.

It was probably around her early teenage years, but this assumption started building in my head about my daughter that she was a troublemaker or an ‘oddity’ because she didn’t look like the other girls. It was a subtle turn. No one walked up to me and declared that it was this way; it was more the side-eye glance we’d receive when out by various people or the occasional overheard snarky remark about ‘that kind of parent. It was the folks' responses in the hardware stores when she’d walk by. I wanted her to ‘fit in’ because I didn’t want her to experience discomfort. I failed to realize that she was in discomfort because of our pushing her into our normal.

A book by its cover…or something like that.

Here is what I know about my daughter:

• She’s quirky and funny. When we have conversations with her, we usually find ourselves in tears from laughing so hard.
• She’s witty. The girl can throw out a counter comment to anything (right or wrong, but she tries).
• She’s kind. Her empathy is strong, and she consistently puts herself out there for others.
• She’s outspoken. She doesn’t hide her opinions and is much braver than I am in putting them out there.
• She’s an advocate. Anyone receiving unfair treatment in her eyes, she has their backs.
• She’s smart. Her grades might not always show it, but grades shouldn’t be the only measure of intelligence.
• She’s resourceful. She finds solutions to problems even if that solution is hard and tricky.
• She’s self-aware. Her weaknesses don’t overcome her spirit; she stays mindful of them and works with them.
• She’s creative. Her art lives in her soul and comes out in various mediums far better and deeper than most I know.

All of that is what makes her the person we raised and what proves we’ve done something right. None of that changes with the color of her hair or the outfits she wears.

Appearance has nothing to do with our capability.

As humans, we want to fit. We want our children to fit in and avoid hardship. We want to have connections, be liked, be respected, and be recognized. In our early years, this comes from how we look. In our later years, this comes from how we function, our profession. Through it all, we tend to be uncomfortable making waves or standing out. All of these things frame how we parent in some way or another.

As I watch our daughter grow and decide on a career, I have to recognize that she also has to be happy. We have always said (and meant) as long as she’s happy and can make/afford the living she wants to have, then we’re good. She’s grown up in an age of diversity and inclusivity, as we’ve never seen before. She will find her way, potentially go to College, do something that she loves. It has only been recently that I finally put two and two together to realize that she has to be comfortable in her own skin to do the rest. I can’t (and shouldn’t) control it all.

It has taken me a long time to realize that, as a parent, it is more important I get her to that place — the one where she’s thriving — over-focusing on how an employer might not interview her because of her hair color. Her journey might be a little harder because there are definitely still those out there, but she’ll be far more successful if she finds a professional home that accepts her for who she is.

A few things that we’ve learned along the way…

• Know that the road might be a little harder for them. But it is what will also make them stronger. Parent them through hardship and find ways for them to express their talents. Be a safe space.
• Focus on the inside. We hear this a lot, but it is so important. As parents, we can see who our children are becoming as humans. How they will shape the world and the good they will do. Offer guidance and direction on how they become good, smart, and skilled people — not necessarily on who you think they should be or what they should look like.
• Don’t let them not try something because you don’t think they’ll finish it. Let them try and fail and learn along the way. Failure is our greatest learning tool when done safely.
• Embrace their diversity. Our children aren’t supposed to be mirror copies of us. They’re meant to be different and unique. Accept this early and lean into it. The world needs artists, poets, musicians. It might not make them a fortune, but they can’t all be accountants.

Whether it is someone with rainbow hair or someone covered in tattoos and piercings, appearance has no bearing on what they can achieve or their skills. Be the parent your kids need, not the parent you think you’re supposed to be. Have fun with the hair colors and clothes — those things will change over time. Who they grow into, how they impact the world, that is forever.

Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels