Self Care Is Not An Afterthought
Taking time for yourself is essential when you’re a mother
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I felt my heart break as I read Eir Thunderbird’s piece in Modern Parent recently. It wasn’t just because of her honest and raw account of her struggle to find time for herself, but the judgmental tone of some of the responses. They seemed to be casting blame in the wrong direction: it was her fault for enabling her husband’s behavior; she gave a bad example to her son; she should have been better prepared for having children. My compulsion to respond turned into the story you are now reading.
My first impression? I was in awe of how Eir managed to keep it all together in such an even-handed and gracious way. It really seemed as though she’d turned her mind to everything, including supporting her husband to develop a relationship with his son.
It also struck me how unfair it to assume someone should walk away from a relationship in which they have invested heavily. There is nothing wrong with believing your partner is open to change. It implies requiring them to take responsibility rather than accepting their behaviour as a foregone conclusion. It also implies exercising the agency to shape the narrative rather than being a passive player in someone else’s.
Unpacking the mental load
Eir wrote about negotiating with her husband for as little as one hour of ‘personal time’. Far from indulgent, this included tasks such as food preparation. She described having to rehearse the conversation beforehand, essentially putting forward a business case to justify taking some time out. Providing ‘endless explanations’ must have been anxiety-provoking and exhausting.
I couldn’t help calculating the enormity of the mental load Eir was dealing with. When the overarching responsibility for the family and household functioning rests with you, having a break isn’t as simple as just asking your partner to keep an eye on their child.
When you consider everything involved in negotiating a small amount of time out, it likely adds to rather than relieves the mental load. It’s not that Eir didn’t acknowledge the need for a break. It was simply not worth the effort most of the time.
For many women desperate for a bit of time to themselves once in a while, the difficulty involved in delegating their responsibilities even for an hour would be prohibitive and negate any benefit.
So who is to blame?
There is a tendency to individualize a woman’s struggle without looking at the broader social context. As Eir says, people still tend to see the mother as the main caregiver. This belief is bound up with expectations that a mother must put her life on hold and accept not giving any attention to herself.
It’s not simple for women to ask their partner to do more because they’re also up against the weight of social expectations. ‘Mother’ is heavily coded with societal messages of what the role involves. Eir’s pre-child discussions with her husband about sharing responsibilities didn’t gain traction due to the pervasiveness of these messages: she was ‘primed not to ask for help’.
The pertinent question here is why Eir had to ask her partner for a break in the first place. I’ve written in Modern Parent about the implications of continuing to entrench gender binaries. The assumption that women will always be the primary carer of children is an example of how this plays out to women’s detriment. It allows men to avoid examining their role as parents and to reach for a range of ready excuses about why they’re not taking more responsibility.
‘You signed up for it’ and other ways of silencing mothers.
Mothers are made to feel guilty if they talk about the challenges involved in balancing parenting with other things in life. Variations on this theme include ‘Children are a blessing and she should consider herself lucky to have children at all’. It’s as though voicing concern calls into question whether you are deserving of the privilege of motherhood.
Glorifying the relentless sacrifice of mothers in a variation of inspiration porn is just as problematic. This narrative holds that the more a woman erases herself, the more heroic she is. It sends the message that unless you’re putting yourself last, you’re falling short of what it means to be a mother. Making a virtue of this kind of maternal sacrifice obscures the question of why no-one is supporting the mother and how the responsibility of parenting should be shared.
The message that ‘this is what a real mother does’ sets a dangerously high bar for women struggling in their own ways that may not be visible to others. Women's expectation to shoulder the burden and push through the stress without complaint is toxic and dangerous. Instead of making a virtue of being overloaded and run off their feet, mothers need to be supported to articulate their needs and receive adequate responses.
‘Me time’ and curtailing mothers’ time
For many mothers, ‘me-time’ is a holy grail, the subject of jokes about hiding in the bathroom to secure precious time to themselves. But it’s not funny. The implication is that a mother’s lot must be endured with a tiny escape valve of consolation.
Against this backdrop, a woman who dares assert the need to have time to herself does so at her peril. More likely, the internalised guilt around it would prevent her from doing so.
Some women have to go to an enormous amount of effort to carve out even a small space they can call their own. And if they have to fight for occasional accommodations, they can forget being able to pursue something regularly. Forget a regular team sport or evening class.
Culturally, the notion of a mother having time to herself is framed as novel and an occasion for celebration. It’s commodified in the shape of pamper packages, dodgy foot massagers for mothers’ day, and maybe the occasional ‘girls night out’. It’s rationed into small doses that can be safely quarantined from the main game of motherhood. She may not even have control over when and how it happens; when others in the household decide to ‘give mom the night off’.
Taking time out as a mother is not an indulgent luxury
Why is a woman finding time for herself, even an issue? Let’s unpack what we’re talking about when we refer to ‘taking time off’. Perhaps we have to stop thinking of it as ‘personal time’. The impression is of a woman turning her back on the family to pursue something a bit indulgent.
Everybody needs a time out — whether from caring responsibilities, working outside the home, or some other commitment. I prefer to think of it as self-care. It’s not a luxury. It’s essential to functioning as a human being. So why is a basic human need considered selfish or indulgent?
What is self-care, and why is it important?
There is no set formula for self-care. Beyond eating well, sleeping, and exercising, the things that count as self-care vary for each person. Some people need solitude; others are rejuvenated by being around people. People meditate, paint, garden, sing — whatever soothes the soul. Essentially it’s what we do to find respite from the demands of life and rebuild the capacity to manage them. It’s feeling grounded and ready to face the world.
In its broadest sense, self-care is about knowing your limits and setting boundaries. It understands how you operate and putting strategies in place to support it. It needs to be integrated into your life rather than an afterthought. It’s too late by the time you feel burnt out and need a week off.
Self-care is necessary to maintain contact with your inner life, providing a basis for identifying and articulating your needs. Women who don’t have this are at risk of their needs being engulfed by those of others. Not having time out to take stock also makes women more susceptible to being caught up in control and abuse patterns of control and abuse.
Do we need to talk about self-care for men?
It’s telling that self-care only becomes an issue when we’re talking about women, particularly mothers. It’s because men tend to have more opportunities to find time out from the demands of their lives. Many women are reluctant to question this male privilege for fear of being labeled selfish: ‘Oh, he works so hard during the week. He deserves some time out’. In doing so, they undervalue their own work both within and outside the home and, consequently, the legitimacy of taking a break from it, even when it’s 24/7.
Prioritising self-care
Women shouldn’t have to fight for their own self-care. It shouldn’t be what’s left over when everything else is done, and it shouldn’t be at the mercy of someone else’s approval. It’s an essential human need, and for some, it can be the difference between coping and not.
Self-care is particularly crucial for women who have mental health challenges and need to build self-care into managing their condition along with medication and therapy. However, women shouldn’t have to wait until their mental health is shaky before making self-care part of their lives.
There is nothing selfish about wanting to bring the best version of yourself to parenting your child. Children can only benefit from the example of a strong mother who can identify her needs and set boundaries.
We have to stop thinking about self-care as an afterthought or an indulgence rather than an integral human need. Women should be supported to arrange their lives to incorporate the self-care that they need. It’s not just a conversation to be had between two parents but by society as a whole.
