Okay, so already I’m aware of how terrible the title sounds.. but I’ve got to be honest, I need to say this shit out loud. I don't know why I don't like him; he's not a bad kid, he's actually a terrific kid, he's smart, well-spoken, kind, rarely misbehaves.. sure he acts up sometimes, but that’s natural for a child his age, I hold no resentment to him in that regard. So it’s not like I don't like him because of his behavior or anything like that.
I have no interest in him; I see him every weekend, and honestly, I really couldn't care less. I only do it because I feel obligated to do so, this was made especially apparent when the UK went into lockdown, and I couldn't leave my house. I didn't see him for nearly 6 months, and I did not care in the slightest. I got sent photos and videos of him, 99% of which I didn't even bother to look at…. don't get me wrong, when I see him I take care of him, he's well looked after, all his needs are met, I take him to the park and stuff and do things with him, he's really quite a happy young lad, but again, I do these things out of pure obligation, I don't want to do them, I don't enjoy spending time with him, hell probably the only reason I haven't straight up abandoned him is that 1) my dad left me and I don't want my son to grow up without a dad.. and 2) the fear of the backlash I would get from the rest of my family… I really don't want to be one of those deadbeat fathers, but at the same time, I can't help the way I feel towards him.
Since day one, it’s been like this; ever since he was born, I never got that whole overwhelming, unconditional love that everyone talks about. He was just another person to me. I told myself it’s just because he's a baby. As he grows up, we’ll bond, but that never happened, then I told myself it’s just because he can't talk or communicate properly. However, then he could talk, and still, nothing changed. Each year I keep making excuses as to why I feel like this, trying to justify it by a lack of communication, or he's too young for us to really do anything together. Each year I have to move those goalposts further until now I’m at a point where I don't think I’ll ever like him.. and truly, I don't know why. I don't really know what to do, and I’ve never spoken to anyone about this, so sorry for the wall of text it’s all just spilling out. I want to love my son; I want to have that relationship that I never had with my dad.. but at the same time, I feel like I’m forcing something that isn't there.
Fully expecting a wave of comments about how terrible I am, and I suppose that’s justified, but I truly don't want to feel like this towards him, and I needed to get this off my chest.