Why Don't I Like My Son?

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash

Okay, so already I’m aware of how terrible the title sounds.. but I’ve got to be honest, I need to say this shit out loud. I don't know why I don't like him; he's not a bad kid, he's actually a terrific kid, he's smart, well-spoken, kind, rarely misbehaves.. sure he acts up sometimes, but that’s natural for a child his age, I hold no resentment to him in that regard. So it’s not like I don't like him because of his behavior or anything like that.

I have no interest in him; I see him every weekend, and honestly, I really couldn't care less. I only do it because I feel obligated to do so, this was made especially apparent when the UK went into lockdown, and I couldn't leave my house. I didn't see him for nearly 6 months, and I did not care in the slightest. I got sent photos and videos of him, 99% of which I didn't even bother to look at…. don't get me wrong, when I see him I take care of him, he's well looked after, all his needs are met, I take him to the park and stuff and do things with him, he's really quite a happy young lad, but again, I do these things out of pure obligation, I don't want to do them, I don't enjoy spending time with him, hell probably the only reason I haven't straight up abandoned him is that 1) my dad left me and I don't want my son to grow up without a dad.. and 2) the fear of the backlash I would get from the rest of my family… I really don't want to be one of those deadbeat fathers, but at the same time, I can't help the way I feel towards him.

Since day one, it’s been like this; ever since he was born, I never got that whole overwhelming, unconditional love that everyone talks about. He was just another person to me. I told myself it’s just because he's a baby. As he grows up, we’ll bond, but that never happened, then I told myself it’s just because he can't talk or communicate properly. However, then he could talk, and still, nothing changed. Each year I keep making excuses as to why I feel like this, trying to justify it by a lack of communication, or he's too young for us to really do anything together. Each year I have to move those goalposts further until now I’m at a point where I don't think I’ll ever like him.. and truly, I don't know why. I don't really know what to do, and I’ve never spoken to anyone about this, so sorry for the wall of text it’s all just spilling out. I want to love my son; I want to have that relationship that I never had with my dad.. but at the same time, I feel like I’m forcing something that isn't there.

Fully expecting a wave of comments about how terrible I am, and I suppose that’s justified, but I truly don't want to feel like this towards him, and I needed to get this off my chest.

Written by

Celebrating and supporting the guardians of the next generation.

Sign up for Modern Parent

By Modern Parent

A weekly newsletter celebrating and supporting the guardians of the next generation. Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Celebrating and supporting the guardians of the next generation. Subscribe to our newsletter: www.modernparent.io

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store