7 things I learned during my pregnancy
Finding the science amidst the bullshit
Pregnancy is truly an amazing thing. You grow a human from scratch. You grow a new organ from scratch. And at the end of it, your body involuntarily starts to flex a muscle you barely thought about until it kicks into high gear to squeeze that tiny human out into the world. Crazy.
If this isn’t enough, pregnant women are living in a time when everyone loves to freak them out. I realized early on that websites and advice pages and comments sections are horrible places to visit while attempting to navigate the best way to have a healthy and happy womb baby. So, I started doing my own research.
I wanted to come to a logical conclusion based on science rather than the anecdotal “well, my sister’s cousin-in-law totally ate banana leaves every day for a month and her kid was walking by two months”.
I’m a physiologist by training. I can use the salutation “Doctor”. But I am not an M.D.. Just a curious Ph.D. who got knocked up (on purpose) and trusts in science. These are some conclusions I came to for myself.
1. Eat the cheese, my pregnant friend. Seriously. Eat it.
Why would anyone want to deny a pregnant woman delicious cheesy goodness? I heard about this “no-no” long before I even thought about harboring a small human in my baby oven.
A barely pregnant colleague at lunch asked a waiter “Is there cheese on that salad?”
Waiter: “Yes, there is goat cheese”.
Colleague: “Oh, never mind, I’m pregnant”
Me: “What? Seriously?!”
Not even born yet and baby is spoiling all the fun. (yes, I do actually consider having the ability to eat any kind of cheese the epitome of fun).
So, what the hell? The thinking behind this “no-no” is that soft cheeses may be unpasteurized and, therefore, potentially contain Listeria monocytogenes, a bacteria that causes Listeriosis. Listeriosis can cause all kinds of horrible things to happen to a womb baby. But, c’mon, let’s be realistic here. What are the odds that the chunks of goat cheese on the salad are actually going to lead to disastrous consequences for your unborn child?
First, the cheese is probably pasteurized. Raw milk is banned across most of America. Twenty-eight states allow it to varying degrees.
Did this restaurant really smuggle cheese across the border or source a specialty cheese-monger just to decorate an $12.99 spinach salad?
Second, the odds of Listeria creeping around in raw milk is insanely low.
A study analyzing a 13 year data set found a total of 73 disease outbreaks caused by non-pasteurized milk products. Three of them were from Listeria. THREE. And I think these cases were actually from a family in Texas who made queso fresco from the family cow. I’m not kidding.
What my pregnant colleague should actually have been worried about was the spinach, not the goat cheese. So, hey there, FDA, let’s legalize unpasteurized cheese and make spinach illegal!
2. You are NOT off the hook for litter duty during pregnancy.
Collective sigh of frustration from the pregnant cat owners out there hoping to subject their partners to nine months of litter duty in exchange for nine months of designated driving. Sorry!
There is a possibility that lurking inside kitty poo is a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. The resulting infection, toxoplasmosis, is another illness you want to spare a pregnant woman due to its terrible consequences for the womb baby.
But, here is what would have to happen in order for you, pregnant woman, to get toxoplasmosis from cleaning up after Mittens:
- Mittens goes outdoors.
- Mittens eats a rat infected with toxo.
- Mittens comes back inside and poops in his litter box.
- You clean out Mittens’ litter box.
- Somehow (I’m not judging), you ingest that poop.
You really need five out of five of the above to become the parasite’s new home. And if you have already been infected in your lifetime (I’m looking at you, kid who ate mud pies in the sandbox. Oh wait, that’s me), the chance of a second round of toxoplasmosis goes way down.
If Mittens is a lazy, non-mousing cat and you practice normal person hygiene and wash your hands after you scoop poop, you are probably in the clear.
Get scooping.
3. Enjoy your morning cup of joe.
I actually got a “tsk-tsk” look from a salesperson in the maternity section of Gap for carrying a cup of coffee.
“It’s empty!” I exclaimed.
Still unsatisfied with that response, I corrected myself “It’s decaf!”.
It wasn’t. But the answer was accepted with a smile.
Coffee is fine… in moderation. Research on caffeine falls into that tricky category of how do you do an experiment on pregnant chicks? You can’t exactly do a direct cause and effect type of experiment — “Here you go, woman hoping to have a healthy baby, drink five cups of coffee a day so that we can see if your bundle of joy arrives a month early, only reaches 4’8”, and will need serious ADHD medication to sit through an exam when he’s ten.” Not the most ethical study.
Instead, most studies rely on gigantic data sets and relatively subjective classifications of caffeine drinkers. Consistent, it is not.
One thing that falls out, though, is this: one cup of coffee is not likely to have any effect on how long the baby cooks, how big the baby is going to be, or how hyperactive the kid will turn out.
Two cups probably ain’t so bad either.
4. Don’t worry, placentas move!
When I was 20 weeks pregnant, we were told I had a “low-lying placenta”. It was too close to the baby’s exit and could cause potential complications later. I was told it might shift upwards when the uterus expands but if it was still in the way of at the end, I might need a C-section.
The baby was healthy but I still felt a bit defective — this newly sprouted organ decided to grow in the wrong place. Fantastic.
Trying to figure out the likelihood of the whole “it might shift upwards when the uterus expands” claim from the sonographer, I wanted to know if there was any scientific reason behind a magical moving organ. Not only is there scientific explanation for all of this but it is more mysterious and crazy than I had even expected.
Yes, they move!
The placenta can actually migrate up the uterine wall as pregnancy progresses. Yup, a slow crawling bag of blood. Super cool.
There are two concepts as to how this actually occurs.
Dynamic placentation suggests that the placenta is constantly forming and reforming attachments to the uterine wall. The bottom of the uterus is stressed the most during growth, making this region a less desirable spot to set up new connections. The best real estate to aim for? Higher ground.
Trophotropism suggests that the placenta actively seeks the best maternal blood supply — like plants growing towards sunlight (phototropism). Again, the best blood supply is up higher where the uterine wall is thick and juicy.
Mine did end up migrating out of the way.
Excellent work, placenta, excellent work.
5. Unless you are training for the Olympics, you can run while pregnant
There is a magical number that floats around when discussing pregnancy and exercise.
140.
This is the number of beats per minute that you are supposed to keep your heart rate below when exercising with a womb baby.
But this number appears to be completely outdated. It was actually nixed by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists TWENTY years ago.
Of the various studies looking at the effects of exercise on womb babies, only one found anything resembling an effect.
The only effect of exercise? Fetal heart rate may slightly elevate if you are a pregnant, endurance sport Olympian pushed to 90% of your training capacity.
Judging from the sample size, there are six of you in the world willing to even try this sort of thing. The rest of you are probably in the clear.
Of course, this may be woman specific and I would still trust the advice of a doctor who knows a woman’s exact condition BUT the science suggests that there is no problem with breaking a sweat with a baby bump.
I would still follow the advice that if you are overheating, bleeding, puking, and/or passing out, stop exercising. But, seriously, do you really need to hear that from me?
6. The glucose test is kind of bullshit
I will not argue against the importance of diagnosing Gestational Diabetes Mellitus (GDM), but I do feel that the current standard for diagnostics is a bit off.
Specifically, I am calling bullshit on the test that the International Association of Diabetes and Pregnancy Study Groups (IADPSG) is trying to get everyone across the country on board with. This test requires a pregnant woman to go in one time, down a goopy bottle of 75g of flavored glucose straight up, and get her blood drawn twice over two hours.
Now, I am not calling bullshit because I had to take this test and was forced to drink orange flavor and we all know that orange is the WORST artificial flavor on the market. No, I am actually basing this assertion on a statement issued by a panel of experts put together by the National Institutes of Health.
After thorough research, the panel noted that this test has a tendency to over-diagnose gestational diabetes — diagnosing 15-20% of all pregnant women!
This is most likely due to the inherent variability in blood glucose measurements — taking the test on Monday may yield a different result than taking the test on Thursday.
Since there is little solid evidence for the benefits of directly treating gestational diabetes, the risk of overdiagnosing is actually a serious concern. As stated by the panel “overdiagnosis of GDM may lead to the ‘medicalization of pregnancy’ which transforms an otherwise normal pregnancy into a disease”.
It’s bad enough to make us drink orange flavored sugar water, but labeling a perfectly healthy pregnant woman at risk for GDM and putting her on high alert about her sugar intake (at best) or making her more prone to the medical intervention spiral towards C-section (at worst), is bullshit.
7. American women are being deprived of an awesome labor pain option
So, it turns out that there is a cheap, convenient option for handling labor pain that you have probably never heard of in the context of a delivery room. With widespread use across the globe, a very high satisfaction rating from laboring women, and very low side effects and complications, it is a wonder that this tool is only found in five hospitals in the United States.
What is it? Nitrous oxide. Yes, “laughing gas”.
A 50:50 mixture of nitrogen and oxygen, N2O is short acting and self administered — the woman chooses when she needs a small hit by simply raising the gas mask to her face and inhaling. Quite a contrast from the other option of having a giant needle stuck into your back to hook up a drip system alongside your spinal column.
While it doesn’t eliminate pain quite like the epidural, it has been shown to give a “sense of relief”. I am guessing it also provides a sense of control. Now that I am on the other side of the birth process, having labored completely drug free,
DAMN, I wish I had had that N2O option.
Contractions hurt like hell but if you have a sense of control over that pain, whether real or imagined, the stress of the oncoming mack truck that is a wave of contractions would be a bit easier to handle.
Time to demand it, ladies!
Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned coming out on the other side of the crazy pregnancy thing is this: At the end of it all, you have a beautiful tiny human to love and care for… and a million more ways you can screw it up.
Have fun!
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