60 Funny Mom Quotes Guaranteed To Make You Giggle

Mommy, I bet you like to know that you are not alone. It makes difficult times easier to bear if you’re surrounded by mommies who know what you’re going through.

Image created by the author in Canva.

But motherhood is lonely because it’s “taboo” to complain or talk about anything other than how happy and perfect your life is.

So know that you are not alone and you’re not the only one who thinks and feels a certain way when you read these funny mom sayings!

Why Quotes?

Like most new moms, I am a lot of things, but I’m not particularly funny.

When I read quotes or a funny saying from other women that explain how I feel and make me smile or giggle, I get into a good mood and feel better about myself.

I hope these quotes are a meaningful gift to you, too, mommy.

Funny Quotes & Sayings

1. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller
2. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
3. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller
4. It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. Phyllis Diller
5. Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. Ed Asner
6. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?Milton Berle
7. It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. Erma Bombeck
8. When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they’re not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They’re upset because they’ve gone from supervisor of a child’s life to a spectator. It’s like being the vice president of the United States. Erma Bombeck
9. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck
10. It’s the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have…One pair that see through closed doors. Another in the back of her head…and, of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect ‘I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word. Erma Bombeck
11. Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can’t make it stay awake. Erma Bombeck
12. Mother’s words of wisdom: Answer me! Don’t talk with food in your mouth! Erma Bombeck
13. I know how to do anything, I’m a mom. Roseanne Barr
14. There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect. Roseanne Barr
15. The only options open for girls then were of course mother, secretary or teacher. At least that’s what we all thought and were preparing ourselves for. Now, I must say how lucky we are, as women, to live in an age where ‘Dental Hygienist’ has been added to the list. Roseanne Barr
16. One hundred percent my mother, who would always say, “If you want something done, do it yourself.” She must have said that 100 times to me — as a child, as a young woman, yesterday on the phone. Reese Witherspoon
17. Now that I have kids, I’m up at 5:30AM no matter what. Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future. Amy Poehler
18. Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers… for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. Amy Poehler
19. When you are pregnant you can get away with a lot of shit. Women really are at their most dangerous during this time. Your hormones are telling you that you are strong and sexy, everyone is scared of you, and you have a built-in sidekick who might come out at any minute. Amy Poehler
20. It’s a wonderful day when your child gets old enough to be bribed. It’s a whole new tool in your arsenal. Amy Poehler
21. When you’re a twerking mother, balance is really important because you don’t want to go too low and blow out your butt and bust your knee. Amy Poehler
22. The sleep deprivation after children is so real. I liken it to what it must feel like to walk on the moon and cry the whole time because you had heard that the moon was supposed to be great but in truth it totally sucks. Amy Poehler
23. I watch their little fat feet and their shiny cheeks as they jump into the backseat of the car. These boys, they are delicious. I swear, if I could eat my children, I would. Amy Poehler
24. Sometimes I forget where I’m driving them to. I do just stop in the middle of road and go, ‘Where are we going? How are we in this car? Who am I dropping off? and Where are we going?’ That happens a lot. It’s a lot of forgetful stuff that every mother has to deal with. Amy Poehler
25. There is an unspoken pact that women are supposed to follow. I am supposed to act like I constantly feel guilty about being away from my kids. (I don’t. I love my job.) Mothers who stay at home are supposed to pretend they are bored and wish they were doing more corporate things. (They don’t. They love their job.) Amy Poehler
26. Motherhood is heart-exploding, blissful hysteria. Olivia Wilde
27. I loved being pregnant. I felt unapologetically curvy, sexy, and intensely feminine. After giving birth I joined the ranks of millions of new mothers when I moaned, ‘Why do I still look pregnant?’ Olivia Wilde
28. Kids are definitely the boss of you. Anyone who will barge into the room while you are on the commode is the boss of you. And when you explain to them that you’re on the commode and that they should leave but they don’t? That’s a high-level boss. Tina Fey
29. I never get to go to movies, because I’m a mom. Tina Fey
30. You’re just like a human napkin for kids, like, they just wipe their face on you and stuff. Tina Fey
31. It’s so funny because they’re not strong enough to kill you. And they want to kill you so bad! They can’t kill you. Not yet. Try again in a couple years. Tina Fey
32. Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Tina Fey
33. I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement. Tina Fey
34. I think every working mom probably feels the same thing: You go through big chunks of time where you’re just thinking, ‘This is impossible — oh, this is impossible.’ And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible. Tina Fey
35. I struggle because I worry she will be on the naughty list. There are times where I feel she should be on the naughty list, but then if that happens then there will sort of be hell to pay for mommy. I don’t want to be the one there on Christmas morning, be like, ‘Guess what happened? Coal. You got nothing.’ Tina Fey
36. I was putting makeup on the other day, and [my daughter] was like ‘I want some makeup,’ and I said ‘OK, you can have a little.’ So I’m giving her a little makeup … and she goes … ‘Mommy, I look prettier than you.’ I’m like, ‘All right, you’re 3, I’m 44, I get it. Tina Fey
37. My mother did this for me once,’ she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. ‘My mother did this for me.’ And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know. Tina Fey
38. [Liz Lemon] is used to sacrificing her dignity for others, which is parenting in a nutshell. Tina Fey
39. ‘How do you juggle it all?’ people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. ‘You’re screwing it all up, aren’t you?’ their eyes say. My standard answer is that I have the same struggle as any working parent but with the good fortune to be working at my dream job. Or sometimes I just hand them a juicy red apple I’ve poisoned in my working-mother witch cauldron and fly away. Tina Fey
40. When my daughter says, ‘I wish I had a baby sister,’ I am stricken with guilt and panic. When she says, ‘Mommy, I need Aqua Sand’ or ‘I only want to eat gum!’ or ‘Wipe my butt!,’ I am less affected. Tina Fey
41. [Alice] has a pretend hair-and-nail shop, and I was doing her hair and make-up. I said, ‘Hello ma’am. What’s your name? What do you do?’ And she said, ‘I get paid to dance at parties.’ And I said, ‘Oh, no. That’s a terrible, terrible answer. Tina Fey
42. Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy. Tina Fey
43. Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. Ambrose Bierce
44. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband. Unknown
45. Tucked my kids into bed and said, “I’ll see you in the morning!” Then we laughed and laughed and saw each other 16 more times before sunrise. Unknown
46. Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was. Jenny McCarthy
47. Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy. Michelle Pfeiffer
48. The best way to get your children’s attention is to relax and look comfortable. Unknown
49. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin Trillin
50. Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to prove that sleep is not a crucial part of human life. Unknown
51. I’ve conquered a lot of things… blood clots in my lungs — twice. Knee and foot surgeries. Winning Grand Slams being down match point. But I’ve found that by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller. Serena Williams
52. I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them. Reese Witherspoon
53. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep. Shonda Rhimes
54. I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I”m more of an Amazon Prime mom. Unknown
55. Motherhood: Where you do everything and everyone is confused why you’re always in a bad mood. @momstheworst
56. It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of food that my kid didn’t finish… Carrie Underwood
57. The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink. Unknown
58. A great example of minority rule is a baby in the house. Milwaukee Journal
59. My mother’s menu existed of two choices. Take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
60. I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for a child. Unknown

Final Thoughts

Dear mom, remember that there’s no such thing as the perfect mommy.

You can be a good mom, you can even be the best mom for your baby.

But no one is perfect.