Accepting What We May Never Know
Learning to live with unanswered questions about the loss of a beloved family member.
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The unknowns in our lives are the hardest.
The unanswered questions in the back of our heads that linger there, never to be satisfied. The stark realization that we will never know certain parts of the story.
Not knowing why things happen in life is a struggle. And I have a front row seat on the struggle bus.
You see, I have had a couple of recent losses that were untimely and completely unexpected. These happened in rapid succession. Yet, one of those losses remains unexplained. And that makes it even harder for me to accept.
The sudden loss in our family that came without explanation.
Our family dog’s life ended much earlier than expected. Mojo passed away at 7 years old, which is young for his breed who typically lives 12–15 years. He was seemingly healthy up until the morning that he wasn’t.
That morning, my husband and I thought Mojo was having stomach issues, as he often did. He didn’t eat and wanted to hang out outside in the back yard. His face, ears and posture reflected that he wasn’t feeling good. He even came up to the freezer that morning as I was opening it to get an ice cube like normal. I threw one to him, but instead of catching it he simply sniffed it and walked away.
The way he was behaving wasn’t out of the ordinary for Mojo. And it certainly didn’t seem like a dire situation. He had stomach issues throughout his life, and they usually resolved within a day or two. Stomach troubles were his Achilles heel in life.
I went to the grocery store late that morning and my husband Liam was working from home. He kept peeking out on Mojo to make sure he was ok. When Liam checked on him, Mojo was laying outside in his favorite parts of the yard, the middle sunny part and corner shady one with leaves.
When I returned from the grocery store, I immediately checked on Mojo. He was lying on his side, pressed up on the middle of our fence line. He was so completely still. I raced out the back door and screened porch to reach him. And at that point, I could see that Mojo was gone.
I lost it completely. I screamed and wailed in pain. Liam heard me screaming and came outside. He was also in shock at sudden loss. We hugged in sorrow as I continued to wail and cry. Liam cried too and that rarely happens for him.
Mojo was tightly bonded with all three of us, so this was a painful loss of a treasured family member. He was my soul dog, and a part of my soul was ripped away suddenly and without warning that day.
Thankfully, Liam was composed enough to be able enough to check our son Aiden out of school. It was important to all say our goodbyes as a family. Immediately after picking our son Aiden up, he had to share the bad news that Mojo was gone. I am so thankful Liam was strong enough to do that for the both of us, since I was completely distraught.
After the shock and awe of what happened set in, my mind constantly tried to make sense of Mojo’s untimely ending. The “what happened?” and “why now” questions kicked into high gear. I am still struggling with not knowing details or the meaning behind why this happened to Mojo.
Was Mojo ill and we just missed the signs?
The year before he passed, Mojo had started retreating to the closet to get alone time. We just attributed it to getting older and wanting quiet time in a home with a teen. Our vet agreed with us. My husband also thought he had started panting more later in life, but he always seemed to pant a lot to me.
Mojo was a happy dog who loved to be outside. He ran around the front and back yards, loved walks, car rides and swimming in the ocean and my parent’s pool. He loved being around us and we often referred to him as our velcro dog. The day before his passing, I played ball with him in the evening. I kicked his favorite soccer ball in our backyard and he happily retrieved it in his mouth and ran around. And earlier that day, my husband walked him around the neighborhood. He was seemingly healthy and energetic.
Was Mojo poisoned?
My mind goes to the worst and others have wondered this too. There had been a thread going around on our neighborhood chat board that someone was poisoning squirrels. Several houses found them perished on their yards. Much like how we found our dog. It’s hard to know if this was a coincidence that this information came out months after we lost Mojo. I hate to even think of this option, but it could have been an accidental side effect.
Did Mojo have an unexpected illness that couldn’t have been prevented?
The vet saw Mojo a few months before his passing and gave him a clean bill of health. When we brought Mojo’s body to the vet so that they could take care of the cremation arrangements, our Vet was just as shocked as us. She said it could have been an unexpected heart event or underlying illness that didn’t manifest itself in the form of obvious symptoms. And that, as far as she could tell, there was nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening. She assured us that he never suffered since his passing was so quick.
The truth is that we will never ever know what happened to Mojo.
And I need to make peace with that. Which is harder than I expected it to be.
It’s been nine months since Mojo’s untimely passing. My heart is still healing from the loss, and this is an ongoing process. He was my comfort animal and the one I “mommed” when my son started high school and didn’t need me as much.
What isn’t healing are those unanswered questions from above. They are gnawing away at me like a pesky gnat. They simply won’t go away.
We have tried to make peace with Mojo’s untimely passing.
We have done so much to honor our dog’s life. My son Aiden and I made a tribute video, the three of us scattered his remains in the yard and on magnolia trees we planted. I made a shadowbox display that has pictures, his leash, his bandana, and his toothbrush.
We adopted an older cat in need, one that was abandoned at 8 1/2 years old. A family moved away from a town near ours and left this declawed cat outside, to fend for himself. And luckily, a neighbor found him and brought him to a rescue organization. Finn has been a wonderful addition to our family. Not a replacement for Mojo, because no pet can ever replace him. But Finn is a big source of comfort to all of us. He is helping rescue our hearts from loss and provides unconditional love.
But still, my need for answers about Mojo rubs me raw. And I am not sure what else to do to relieve this need. I know in my head and my heart that these answers that will never, ever come to fruition. And I also know that this is interwoven within my grieving process. And grief is different for every person.
I have tried praying about it. The serenity prayer is a calming one for me.
And I have tried to back away from the “what ifs”. If I succumb to those, my mind goes easily down a dark rabbit hole that’s hard to crawl out of.
And, I have tried to just accept it. That it was his time. Even if that timeline doesn’t align with my wishes or expectations.
Life is filled with many things that will simply remain unknown.
Unanswered questions are there in all facets. And that’s just part of life.
Life can be beautiful, but there’s a dark layer to it, one which contains the unknowns and heartbreaking events.
I’d like to think that someday, beyond what happens in this world, we receive all the answers we have been seeking.
And we can truly make peace with the unknowns then.
Conceivably Me is a fifty something mom nearing the empty nest stage who is rediscovering her passions. Writer, Former Biologist, Nature Lover and Playlist Maker.
