Allowing Kids to Say No.
It is important for kids to know that it is safe for them to have boundaries.
Teaching kids to have boundaries with other people is an important skill that will serve them well later in their lives. Some of us didn’t learn that early in life, and have had to learn this skill as adults. Unlearning a lifetime of behaviors can be very difficult, so it is important to teach kids about setting personal boundaries early.
When kids learn how to say no to things that don’t feel right for them, it can help them feel safe. Allowing kids to say no in certain situations is important because it empowers them to be able to say no when it really matters.
Personal Boundaries
There are certain ways that no one wants to be treated. We don’t want to be hit, or have someone scream in our face. Yet, a lot of the old school of parenting advice tells us to do this to our kids. If I can’t scream at my boss or hit her for not giving me a raise, why is it ok for me to do that to my kids for not complying with my wishes?
What gives the parent a right to be a dictator?
Unfortunately, I think a lot of this is based on history, and the idea that our children are somehow our property. In the past, parents sold their daughters into marriage or their sons into a trade. More recently, we see our children’s behavior as a reflection of our own goodness. In my parent’s generation, children were to be “seen and not heard.”
This doesn’t really do a lot for a child’s self image or later development.
What is to stop a little girl that was told she is never allowed to say no from being assaulted? What is to stop a boy who was told never to say no from caving to an employer asking him to commit fraud? There are bad people out there who will victimize other people who are too weak to say no. We don’t want our kids to be those victims. Yet, that is what we are teaching them, when we teach them to follow us with blind obedience.
Personal boundaries are important. Being empowered enough to say no without backing down is important. That is how we over come bullies both on the playground, and beyond.
The ability to create healthy boundaries allows us to be safe, in many aspects of our lives.
When Kids Say No to Us
As parents, some of the most frustrating times can be when Little Johnny says No to going to bed, or Little Suzy says No to eating her vegetables. In those instances, frequently we are tempted to scream at them and tell them to “Do as I say, or else!” At least that is what my parents always did.
It is a trap that is easy to fall into. As parents, often we are tired and stressed, and we just want our kids to do what they are supposed to, because it makes our life easier. Teaching kids to be compliant does make things much easier in the short term, but it can have many detrimental long term consequences to the kids.
Lately, when one of my kids says no to something, I ask them why. My toddler never wants to turn off her videos to go to bed. Often this will lead to a long, and protracted fight. One day, I just asked her why she doesn’t want to turn her video off. She told me that she is scared without it. Again, I asked why. She told me she was scared because it was too dark without her video on. So I turned on an extra night light. From then on, she started turning off her videos without a long fight.
Getting our kids to do what we want doesn’t have to be an “Us vs. them” battle.
A lot of times, we just don’t understand the reason behind their no. When we take time to listen and understand, often we will find that there are easy solutions that allow everyone to get what they want.
Really, it is a matter of communicating better, not that a child is trying to spite us. When we teach kids to communicate better, it helps them in the future, as well as helping us in the present.
Let me know if there is a time in your life when you set and held a boundary, even if it was unpopular, or ways that you teach your kids to set boundaries for themselves. Also, let me know in the comments if there are any other topics that you would like me to cover in the future.
If this resonates with you, feel free to give it a share on your socials as well.
©2021 by Milenial Mom. Proudly created with Wix.com
