Asking Women to Work on Insecurities While Drowning them In Impossible Beauty Standards Isn’t Working

Don’t just question your inner work when the system is skewed

Photo by Thea Hoyer on Unsplash

I have no shame in admitting this — nothing threatens my very existence than seeing a beautiful lady walking into a space I exist.

I am more aware of the head turns, frozen expressions than she ever will notice.

How the non-chalant store owner is suddenly courteous to her who was previously ignoring us.

And a mind game begins assessing her dress, her complexion, her body, the guy with her and creating a me vs her list and add in disappointed sighs and multiple glances to glare at her.

Studies show that pretty privilege is real.

Pretty folks they have an edge in their careers,

Have it easy in the dating space (obviously!),

Earn money by becoming influencers by basically flaunting their existence — they win in basically anything they want to do easily.

Heck, even they have the stamp of approval from babies.

Okay, but why does this hurt so much you ask?

Because we have been taught to work very hard, think positive, do good to others, be humble and you will have a wonderful life!

This youth inclining-beauty first system becomes from funny to cruel when it’s left to women to change themselves — mind, body or both (the better!) In addition to their education and skillsets.

What chance does a no more 20, non eurocentric featured, weight — fluctuating woman have to get the above same things with a beauty index nearing average to below the set standard?

Slim (pun-intented) chance of course!

Should we be ready to work our ass off to make up for nature’s disinterest in getting your physical attributes whatever-the-current-standard perfect?

It’s not a Just A Self Issue, It’s Society’s Too

I can hear you telling me,

You are the problem, don’t be jealous, you do you..

Work on your insecurities, accept your body or if you have a problem change it!

Yes I am, but I just want to say it’s not as easy as it sounds.

It’s painful wounds of comments, experiences from our past that reopen and needs to be healed time and again.

Here’s a sample list:

• When we were compared with our sisters right from birth, we were called by our parents first..
• When our high school crushes pointedly ignore us and talk to our prettier classmates..
• How easy the prettier folks make friends while we struggle to even fit in…
• When we are made to switch places with the cute girl in nursery to a place in the back row despite being a good dancer,
• Fighting to keep the attention of men we are dating and building hatred for the woman he leaves us for..
• When all your education, strength of character mean sh*t in an arranged marriage setup (I am from India) and your skin complexion, pimples, weight becomes the top criteria for finding a life partner..
• To safeguard ourselves from the sexual harassment, cat callings, abuses and hating our bodies even more..
• Having to justify that we put makeup for ourselves, to feel and appreciate our beauty..
• Pitted against other women based on our looks literally wherever we exist..

Add culture and geography here and the list just keeps growing.

The Rigged Competition

Embracing our bodies, acknowledging inner beauty is a massive struggle when the competition to make a place in this world is skewed towards the ones who hit the genetic lottery.

It’s an uneven platform with ever changing rules — All I want to say is we as women need to be much more kinder to ourselves than we ever imagined.

It’s awareness of the external system that helps us differentiate between what’s our failure vs the society’s and know it’s much more than a self-worth issue.

Please remember,

1. It will take many more years to change societal perceptions or it can get worse.
2. You can not not be insecure, feel the jealousy, the sinking feeling of invisibility — please don’t question your healing, it’s just the world we are in and we are humans.
3. It’s okay to question our worth when what we are working towards is handed over to the ones with pretty privilege — it’s unfair, you make a choice to stay or move to better places — good ones definitely exist.
4. We can stop siding with certain men and put down a woman’s attributes just because she gets their attention and gossiping seems to give us a temporary inclusion in these men’s world— I have done that, it’s dangerous.
5. Trying to fit these beauty standards is like fighting an ever changing monster — we will never catch up.
6. There is downside to being pretty and they too have struggles to shift the focus to their skills, safeguard from sexual advances and filtering out real friends from those that use their spotlight. The system is the problem not the individual.
7. Aging is a blessing and there is only so much we can do to age like a fine wine.
8. Teach our children about the world as much as we teach them to love themselves.
9. The fear being abandoned by someone we love or attracted to for someone more prettier is real. It is heart breaking helps to remember it has nothing to do with us and it’s a testament to the partner’s worth not ours.
10. Choose your side anyday— the lesser the inner battles for reasons beyond your control , the more you are growing and healing!

Thank you for reading!