Backpacks and Boundaries

The weight of other people

Gina Lumsden-Kropf
Modern Women
Published in
4 min readSep 16, 2023

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Original painting by Gina Lumsden-Kropf

The weight of her father was like a backpack stuffed with bricks. It hurt her heart and made her sad to try and climb up hill through her life with the weight.

She would carry this backpack for most of her life, not realizing the weight was something that could be removed. She felt the burden of it, and employed every diversion she could to distract herself from the fact that it was there.

Her first therapist had a beautiful office in Fletcher Park, off of. Saint Mary’s Street in Raleigh . The year was 1996. She would see her on Thursdays at 2:00. She instantly found her spot on her purple chenille couch, grabbing a soft batik pillow to place into her lap, and kick off her shoes. This woman taught her about something called boundaries in that wind chime and plant-filled office, and how that was the key to removing the giant backpack. Boundaries are tricky little bastards to a child who grew up like a ship without a sail and no anchor. She would bring in letters written to her by her dad. Letters that would make her stomach turn and fill her with a sense of grief that she couldn’t put into words. The therapists would read through the letters with her, and illustrate various sentences and what it meant, almost like a diagram of mental illness. She would highlight his various tricks, his cunning manipulation, and his twisted, deceptive words. This feeling she had as a result of this exercise was akin to being an ant in the weeds, and suddenly turning into a bird flying high in the air with a view of everything below. Her world, as if by magic, began to make sense and she could see more clearly. Feelings do lose their power once you can put words to them, but pre-internet life created mystery around these ideas, and she went through life thinking she was crazy. As she became more aware of how he behaved, she could adjust her responses accordingly. She would later realize that these kinds of life skills contribute to one becoming a rational adult, and thus leaving no room for the childlike, reactionary responses of youth.

This new -found tool for her tool box for life was only effective for blatant behaviors. No-one else in her life could really understand these all-consuming issues with her dad, since on the outside, he was a charismatic doctor of education and was immensely popular within his circles.

No one really saw how she was, from a very young age, treated like his girlfriend, or his confidant. It was her shoulder that he cried on when he was going to leave her mom, and her bed he climbed in when he needed comfort. He never overtly sexually abused her, but her young, fragile psyche could not distinguish the difference, and the feelings permeated deep into everything she was. She truly believed that if he wasn’t actively engaging in sexual acts with her, then her feelings were not valid. Her dad was the master manipulator. She remembers the very first time she removed the burden of the backpack. She was living in a home of her own creation, a safe place she had created for herself with the tools she had learned in early sobriety. She was an art student, and her dad was paying the rent and footing the bill for college. She was unaware at the start of this arrangement that there would be a high cost to her soul to have created this deal with the devil, if you will. He called one day and announced that he would be arriving from Dallas, and would be staying in her extra room, thus flipping the switch on her brain into panic and survival mode, the feelings of being trapped rushed back to her, as well as the nightmares of him that had plagued her throughout her life.

The ones when she would wake up screaming for her mother. With her therapist and sponsor, she had worked up the nerve to tell him that he could not stay in the same house with her, but that she loved him. She would return home after class later that day to see him standing out on the front porch with his suitcase, announcing that he had called a cab, and that she would NEVER see him AGAIN. Finally realizing that in the tennis match of life, she don’t have to both hit the ball and receive it, she said goodbye to him. This was so very liberating, and for the first time, she could feel the power that came with taking care of herself. The fear was also confounding, and threatened to drown her. Would he Really vanish forever?

The next thing she did was sell the bed in the extra room and replace it with a desk and a stationary bike. She vowed to never let anyone put anything in her backpack again. She still had to learn to deal with her flight or fight, knee jerk reactions to situations where her response was not appropriate. This involved self- reflection on a much grander scale. These “triggers” still had a massive effect on her future, and she is still working on them today.

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Modern Women
Modern Women

Published in Modern Women

Heartfelt, down-to-earth and real stories by women for women. Support our lovely Modern Women editing team @ ko-fi.com/modernwomen

Gina Lumsden-Kropf
Gina Lumsden-Kropf

Written by Gina Lumsden-Kropf

NYC Artist, Photographer and writer of stories of life & lessons on the way to 55.

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