MENTAL HEALTH
Cheer Up, Someone Has It Worse Than You
The harmful impact of invalidation and what we can do to validate the feelings of others
My good friend and I were sipping lattes at a local coffee shop and I had confided in her by mentioning that I was experiencing symptoms of depression.
I was in my early twenties at the time, in college, and struggling with my mental health, numb to life and looking for hope.
“You don’t know what depression is. My mom has depression and she…”
Her response caught me off guard. I didn’t know what I had expected her to say, but it wasn’t that.
What I heard:
My struggle with mental health wasn’t serious, because someone had it worse than me.
“At least you didn’t have a stillbirth.”
Years later, I experienced my first miscarriage and was on the phone with my mom. Somehow, the topic came up, and I know she was trying to make me feel better, but it had the opposite effect.
What she didn’t know was that I was still deep in my grief, needing someone to confirm that my feelings towards my miscarriage were normal.
What I heard:
I needed to get over it. There were people experiencing loss that was weightier than mine and more deserving of grief.
What is validation?
It was a few years after the conversation with my mom that I realized it was validation that I was missing.
“Validation is considered one of the key components of healthy relationships; it is the simple act of listening, which communicates to another that you understand what they may be going through. Put simply, validation is reflecting what the other may be feeling. When someone shares something with us, we respond with empathy and acceptance.”
I wanted to be heard. I wanted someone to acknowledge my feelings as valid. When my situation was compared as less than someone else’s, I left feeling misunderstood.
Effects of invalidation
Most of us can recall instances at various points in our lives where those close to us invalidated how we felt. Somehow, words spoken by those we love hurt us the most.
Confusion
Their words leave us confused.
Did we exaggerate the emotions we felt?
If what we were going through wasn’t as big of a deal as x, y and z, then why was it a big deal to us?
Guilt and shame
We begin to think that maybe our feelings aren’t warranted. It’s true, someone does have it worse.
We may think we need to be thankful for our situation.
We may believe that we need to ignore and run from our feelings.
Anger
We may be angry. Angry that we were not heard. Angry that they didn’t understand.
Angry that they added to our pain.
Disconnect and isolation
All of the emotions we experience due to the result of invalidation lead us down a path of loneliness.
We reach out for help, for support, for validation, but we end up feeling more and more isolated.
Eventually, we distance ourselves from people to avoid possible hurt.
Validation in action
Although there is not a lot we can do to avoid invalidating words, we can bring validation into our conversations with others.
By educating ourselves and being intentional with our words, we can bring comfort to those who are in a dark place and prevent unintentional harm.
But how can we validate the feelings of others?
Be present
Be there for your loved one when they’re going through a difficult time.
- If possible, take some time off. Go to them, or meet up. Show them that you care about them by simply showing up.
- If you can’t see them in person, text and call to show them your support.
- Don’t avoid or ignore them.
Listen, and listen some more
Have your ears wide open. Sincerely listen to what they have to say.
- Remind yourself that the conversation should be beneficial and should leave them feeling better.
- Limit your words and choose them wisely.
- Avoid interrupting them.
Acknowledge their feelings
Acknowledge what they say and sympathize with them.
- Express that you understand why they feel the way they do.
- Verbalize that you see the gravity of their situation.
- Tell them you’re sorry for what they are going through.
- Avoid comparing their situation to someone else’s.
To conclude
Because we know that invalidation has negative effects, we can choose to validate the feelings of others, by being present, listening, and acknowledging their unique situation.
In this way, we can show our support and be an encouragement in the lives of the people we love.
