Don’t Take “No” Personally
It often shows a woman’s lack of confidence in herself and her beliefs
People say no all the time. No. I’m not free for coffee. No. I don’t want another cup of tea. No. I can’t go with you to the Art Gallery. Do you take it personally? Not usually. A reason for this often comes with the no but if it doesn’t, ask why.
There are many signs around — some say no parking; some say no walking on the grass; some say Stop. Do you take them personally? Why not?
There are many rules in our society — you must wear seat belts in a car; no parking here; no smoking. There is a fine or penalty attached to these. Do you take any of them personally? Of course, you don’t.
I keep asking myself, why we women take things people say personally.
Was it caused by something that happened to us in childhood?
Are we afraid that we won’t continue with that person’s friendship?
Do we ask ourselves, “What will people think?”
Are we lacking in self-confidence?
In business, are we often afraid that someone denying us a promotion is saying no to everything?
If we’re self-employed, when someone says no to buying our product or service are we afraid they’ll never buy from us? Or do we think they said no because they won’t like us?
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As a child, every month, I kneeled in front of the priest in the Catholic Church I attended and confessed the “sins” I had committed. They were the same ones every time — I fought (not physically) with my brother (we ALWAYS disagreed AND he teased me a lot) and I disobeyed my parents (like not eating my vegetables, reading books instead of doing chores, and fidgeting in church during Mass instead of praying — but my brother was pinching me!).
While I recited them to the priest, I would think I am NOT a bad person.
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When I was at Althouse College of Education in 1972 (I was 22), an instructor was teaching a particular topic to about 50 of us. There was unrest in the other students around me, so I stood up resolutely and asked him the question that most of us were whispering to each other. I don’t remember what the question was but his reply to it shocked me. He paused and answered, “I’ll have to rethink my opinion of you.”
You could hear a pin drop. I froze when he said that. I tightened my clammy hands as I waited for what I was sure would happen next. Nothing did — the skies didn’t open and swallow me up as I feared.
He hadn’t answered the question I’d asked AND the sentence he used told me that he had judged me for asking it.
I could have taken his comment personally but didn’t. I stood there silently and thought I was only asking the question that many people around me had been thinking.
It was either my self-confidence or surprise that allowed me not to let his remarks affect me. Whatever it was, I didn’t let his statement upset me.
Afterwards, other students huddled around me to discuss what had just happened. Their actions were a confidence booster.
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Back to the subject at hand — you need to be aware that “taking it personally” can be an issue and the problems it causes for you.
It takes time and experience to get rid of it but it’s possible to change a belief. Be patient with yourself :-)
Think of things you CAN do well.
Surround yourself with positive people. I’ve been networking (for business) since 1988. I haven’t had an employer since 1980 (been self-employed) and usually that’s where one meets people. Nearly all of the people I know I’ve met networking.
I even ran my own network for women business owners from 2009 to 2017 when most of the networks I attended, closed.
My final session was a celebration — former speakers and attendees came to a potluck lunch. The sound of their chats filled the air. I looked around at the women I’d attracted — all were positive, confident and independent.
I feel so fortunate that I’m a confident person — it has allowed me to try many things in my life. I’ve travelled alone, started my own business, spoken in front of groups, and most important of all, become an advocate for my own health issues.
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Taking things personally is a limiting belief. Have you become conscious that you have it? What did you or are you doing to end it?
