Finding myself
The lost mom
I’ve always had trouble fitting in. From the time I was a kid myself I always wanted to be a bit different and ended up suffering from that desire in high school. I was different and to quote Taylor Swift who said it best, “I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try try try try.”
I went through existential crisis after existential crisis, from the time I was 16 on. I went through a raver phase in college. Also a dark academia phase, a blogger phase, a tumblr phase, an artist phase, a surfer phase, a beach rat phase. I have reinvented myself over and over. The biggest reinvention though has been becoming a mom.
As an artist I have always had a physical thing grounding me to my life. It is what I centered myself around through high school and then in college when I got my Art degree. I got a corporate job in the manufacturing industry but I still painted and created on the side. So while I experimented with my persona, I always had a constant.
Now as a mother to a 2 year old, I have not painted or created a thing in almost 3 years. Naturally, I feel like a complete imposter centering my life around something that isn’t really the center of my life anymore. My family has taken over the position of being my rock but they aren’t really a rock the way painting was. They are ever-changing, flowing, growing beings. They are not my creative project and will never be. So how can I ground myself when there’s nothing to hold on to?
So in my late 20s and early 30s, I’m going through yet another existential crisis. Will I still be an artist? Will I ever paint again? Am I doomed to roam the earth as a lost soul clinging to any whim that passes me by? Most likely not. I will inevitably find myself again but this is a big shake-up for me. Nothing feels permanent in this season and I do feel lost. It has made me question my career, my life, and my sanity.
I think most mothers go through this phase after having their first child, of sorting out who they are as a person and as a mom. Since it has always been my nature to be different and not really know who I am in this skinsuit, I may be taking it a bit harder than others. I didn’t even WANT to be a mom really but I’m so happy I am, now that I know my child. It has really made me sort out what is important in my life.
I’m not really sure I have an answer for all the other moms out there in this situation. But you can all rest easy knowing that we are all out here pondering the big things together. And probably pondering the little things too.
