Finding Solace in Solitude
Be your own best friend
A few months ago, I found myself in a circumstance that made me stand all alone. It wasn’t by my own free will that I was alone . I self-isolated myself from people. My world was shattered. As a result of this, I was severely depressed. all the days went by in a haze as I refused to move from out of my bed. It was as if I was hoping that if I didn’t acknowledge or face the problem at hand, it would just disappear, miraculously solve itself. Boy was I wrong!
Within all this, I realized what a lonely life I’ve been living. I didn’t have many people to even vent out my feelings. I felt all alone. Everything in the world except me, was fine. The Earth was still spinning . The dusk and dawn didn’t pause for me. Time did not stop. I felt void. empty. It hurt. I Started seeking external validation to fill the void of self love and self acceptance I had created within myself. I tried everything to distract myself from thinking about it, Binge eating-starving cycles paired with binge watching under the guise of procrastination and self love, hoping that time will heal me and I will start loving myself.
“Time heals everything” is the biggest scam I’ve believed to date. Time just makes you get used to your reality — the reality where the only person who truly and deeply cares is you. This harsh truth reveals love itself as a Facade. Time and love are intertwined in a cruel dance. You can’t truly understand love until you experience loss. It’s only when you lose something that you acknowledge love’s existence and recognize the profound impact of its absence.
So how did I get over it? Or did I get over it? Now I have friends, but nothing really has changed. I’m still the same old empty me, still pushing away any chance of feeling loved. I harbored hate for everyone that didn’t support me with the idea of me victimizing myself, For the people who tried to pull me out of this victim mentality. It was as if I was delusionally expecting someone to miraculously come and save me, pull me out of the pit I’ve been living in. The feeling of depression is just hard to describe. It’s like your body lives in a haze when your mind is tired of all the tangled thoughts leading to the same outcome. Going back to the past and reviewing what could’ve been done to not end up in this situation. Regretting every single decision that led me to this spot.
The harsh reality that nobody was there for me was too hard to digest. Not my family, not my friends. I had to come to terms with the fact that it was my battle to fight. It’s a thought-altering process. It leaves you wounded, like getting a tattoo. It heals ,but it doesn’t remain the same. Something is new.
I will never be the person I was before . The act of fooling yourself and everyone around into thinking you’re doing fine is the worst of all this . I didn’t need any help from anyone and deep down, knew it . All I needed was someone to hold me and tell me “this will pass and I’ll be here with you till then ”.
The whole experience has definitely made me very self reliable and self sufficient. It taught me to not emotionally depend on others. to stop seeking external validation. Something good sure came out of it. Sure it made me stronger . But will I do it again knowing the output ? HELL NO. After all, I’m not an object to be toughened. I’m just a human being. I found solace within myself and learnt to be happy in my presence . I started loving myself as I would expect any other person to love me. The world has cut me open, but all I bleed is love.
