How Spirituality Empowered Me — A Journey From Distrust to Joy
A brief history of my life and times with Buddhism
Roughly three years back, I went through a lot of emotional turmoil. I was overwhelmed on a daily basis. I was like a lost child out in the sea. The more I tried, the more things went wrong. It’s hard to write about it even today. I am confused as to why it all seemed like such a big mess. And it felt like things were falling apart every moment of everyday.
I encountered Buddhism around that time. My understanding of the whole concept is rather contemporary. I have never been very ritualistic or a believer. My circumstances in life, made me rather practical. I did not believe in prayer. I did not believe in miracles. I did not believe in healing. Life has a way of being especially hard to some people. And when life is hard, you tend to believe only what you see in front of you. Not possibilities. Not what ifs.
So, coming to a place, where at first go, people were inherently nice to me was a bit of a shocker. I think organised religion makes you ritualistic. You believe in processes of purification. But spirituality is really simple. It teaches you to trust. To believe. And that is especially tough, when your default is disbelief. I struggled initially to think of this as more than just empty words. But the prayers soothed me somehow, in the places that I was hurting. That I didn’t even know were hurting.
The calmness Buddhism brought to me was amazing. It was as if for the first time in my life I was looking at things with wide open eyes. I could look at the flowers and feel a sense of peace. I could look at leaves swayed by wind and feel the breeze in my hair. And just take that moment in, without rushing to get to the next. The sense of freedom was exhilarating.
Meditation also helped me build trust. I always found it hard to believe what people said at any given moment in time. In retrospect, I think it came from the uncertainty that I saw while growing up. I believed that if I didn’t move at a certain pace in life, life itself will move past me. And I couldn’t just let life move past me without doing something about it. I created a strange mix of distrust, disbelief and maybe unkindness for myself and those around me.
Buddhism taught me the power of prayer. It taught me to empathize, be kind in every moment, and above all be grateful for what I already had. Prayer is such a misunderstood concept sometimes. Yes, it is a form of surrender. Surrender to a higher force or power. But there is empowerment in that surrender too. Prayer is not whining. It shows strength to endure with dignity and grace, and a determination to challenge every situation with love.
They say that at every moment in your life you are engaged in a battle between your greater self and your lesser self. And the real challenge is winning that battle every single time against your baser instincts. For me it’s been over three years now, living intentionally every day. Let’s say I am much more at peace with myself, my life, with how it’s going, than I ever have been. I don’t think I have surrendered the fight. On the contrary, I pray with an intention to win. I believe that prayers should have an intent and the power to stand firmly alone determined to succeed. How else can we bring forth the actions needed to overcome our hurdles?
It took me some thinking to actually structure this in one single read because of the amount of emotions attached to this journey. But before I conclude, I would just like to say, that if you feel, that you are at a place in life where you think, a change is required, do not procrastinate. It could be any of the mainstream religions, life philosophies, belief systems or just plain awareness and mindfulness, please do give it a try. You never know the sheer amount of joy and peace it could bring.
Thank you for reading.
