How To Heal Your Heart
Lessons from over 17 failed dates
I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and if you’re like me- a planner, a giver, a fixer and a budding perfectionist, you’ll know how I feel. My dreams, diaries and dates have had the heavy expectation of wanting an all encompassing love. One that shifts your entire world. One filled with compassion, love and a willingness to grow together. Deep down, my biggest mission is to find that man for me. The man who would make me a better person, who I can have adventures with, laugh and cry with, build a home with and the man I can come home to.
When the lock down was ripe, so was my need to find more connection. I found my way to the dreaded dating apps and have since gone on multiple dates. Obsessively treating this as the ‘husband project’, I spent years filtering out potential candidates. Each new guy was a glimmer of hope that something good would come my way. The stories don’t have a happy ending because I didn’t find my life partner online, but I did learn a plethora of love lessons.
Coming out of this big phase of wanting to date my heart out, I can now positively say I’m qualified to be giving ‘big-sister’ advice.
You attract the qualities you hone. You set the standard of the type of person you want to attract. You do this by being of the mirror of that person. Not literally, but figuratively. Like attracts like, and until you truly become the person you are craving, he’s always going to evade you. You need to be that confident, sure, capable and worthy person you want to attract . There may be men who match some of the qualities you’re looking for, but until you meet yourself deeply enough to truly realize what you want from life, this match isn’t very likely to stay.
When you do come across your match, please don’t disregard your pleasure. I made the colossal mistake of diminishing my own need of pleasure during the dating period- both physically and emotionally. I would always be creating space in my life to account for the guy’s needs, without pushing mine to the surface. Playing it super cool, not asking for physical affection, emotional connection and soul-deep conversations left me confused and feeling unsafe. If your guy isn’t prioritizing your pleasure, then it’s time to re-evaluate.
Womanhood also made me learn how to evaluate the chase. After many days of constantly putting myself out there, I realized that a lot of the time you should be chased, not do the chasing. The chase is truly where the chemistry builds up, and the passion takes over. Stay in your feminine and be open to receiving. The more you do the chasing, the more he’ll do the running. Let the man come to you and let him win you over.
The heart won’t heal is you constantly prick it with the needle that hurt you in the first place. Everyone doesn’t deserve a second chance, forget third. I spent a lot of time justifying the actions of the guys who hurt me over and over again. I stood up for them when all they had shown me was a pattern that I couldn’t trust them to be there for me. The hardest part is saying no to a pattern you’re familiar with, and leaving the discomfort for good. You deserve so much more.
A hard pill to swallow is when a guy says he can’t, and instead of believing him, you want to change him. You can’t change him unless he truly, deeply wants to change, and that’s an internal process that starts only once he sees fit. A project to change him will remain a project. Before you enter a ‘situationship’, which has no guarantee of turning into a relationship, test someone’s ability to commit.
Most of the guys I met online didn’t want to commit. They may have theoretically been okay with the idea of commitment, but when push came to shove, they wanted nothing to do with it. When you’re looking for commitment and a guy keeps taking two steps backwards, believe that he isn’t ready, regardless of his sweet talk. Actions need to surpass words.
If there’s one takeaway from my lessons in love, let it be this: find someone who treats you better than your best friend does. This is one of the most underrated life hacks of all times. If your man isn’t hyping you up, supporting you and being your biggest cheerleader like your best friend would be, there’s definitely something amiss. I truly believe that if you don’t make the time to become best friends with your man first, then the foundation you have isn’t strong enough to fully commit into everything. It’s so important to build on the developing feelings as well as friendship when you start dating.
The universe truly works in its own way. While all of these experiences really sucked, they were still a learning experience and a reminder that building a lasting relationship takes more than sheer compatibility or mindless attraction. Let my lessons guide you away from heartbreaks and strengthen your self belief.
The right man will come into your life when you need him, not want him. I hope the love you receive is bigger than anything you can imagine.
