I had to pretend that I was owned by another man for my refusal to be taken seriously
Four years ago, it felt alien to me when my girlfriends would tell me they had to lie to a guy that they were in a relationship in order to turn down his proposal. It didn’t make sense to me. I’ve always been strong-willed and opinionated and not one to condone a lot of bs. Why lie to a guy when you can just say NO and mean it? I felt my girlfriends were silly to do this. I was wrong. When saying NO was no longer an option, my girls devised a plan to say it subtly. It used to work for them and still does, just now, they’ve been forced to step things up a notch.
When I started getting catcalled, I made a mental note to always speak my mind, no matter how direct it sounded. When they casually say they’d want to talk to me later someday in an attempt to collect my number so they can barrage me with meaningless text messages and calls, I’d confidently respond that I had nothing to say to them because we’d met by chance and I had no interest in them. When the guilt trip begins with the sick remark that I might need their help “tomorrow,” I remind them of how good our separate lives were five minutes before we met, and how well we’ll be doing in a week independently.
I used to think I was being too harsh on them and that I needed to relax a little, but that didn’t help. I could see lines forming on their foreheads, indicating that they were becoming agitated. In my imagination, this was supposed to scare them away. Wrong. It became a challenge for them to pique my interest in them in some way. It usually ended with me walking away, frustrated with the amount of effort and time it took to spell out the letters N and O. Other times, I lost. Gave out my digits, and after the initial call to verify that it was truly my number, the block button on their contact was activated. I don’t see the point in forcing myself into a conversation that will end in a stalemate.
Now, I feel sorry for my girlfriends, whom I dismissed as foolish and fearful when all they did was survive. I recall seeing a post on a subReddit where a woman discussed wearing a false wedding band to work to prevent male harassment. She penned this post.
It’s sad that women have to go through this. That we must be owned by another man for them to leave us alone.
When I met Mr. Peter, it was nightfall and I was a few blocks away from my house. When he walked past me and called my attention, I nonchalantly admitted he was lost and wanted directions. He introduced himself and asked about my name and whether I was single. That’s when I realized I’d made a mistake approaching him. Peter bragged about how nice he is, which I found repulsive because nice individuals don’t advertise it.
When he saw I wouldn’t agree to his appeal, he promised to leave if I told him I was engaged or lived with a man. I took him up on his bait and told him off. After sending his greetings, he walked away! I’m a single woman living with my mother and sister; I have no brother or father. It was astonishing to learn that the illusion of some non-existent masculine person with whom I had a love relationship was given more weight than my own preferences.
I’m not big on the patriarchy concept since I’ve always known the world to work in that way. It didn’t seem like something to be bothered about in a troubling way. I thought that as adults, we had boundaries and respect for another’s opinions. Sadly, not everyone got on this boat right.
I understand how difficult it is for some men who grew up in environments like mine, where a woman’s lack of interest in you was celebrated as a challenge and a source of desire. These standards no longer apply. Every day, women are subjected to catcalling. It’s not amusing to us, and it can even be dangerous. Culture shifts, and the roles of men and women shift along with it. Attitudes toward what is amusing and what is not shift as well. You might reject my generation as “overly sensitive,” but culture shifts and you can’t stop it.
