I Recently Deleted a Post I Wrote About Being a Woman in the Corporate World
Now I regret it
I get slightly paranoid about being “found out” about my creative work. I don’t write anything related to what my company makes or works on or any details about my career. I have only divulged that I am a Project Manager at a prominent Silicon Valley tech company and that being a woman in that environment is extremely exhausting. PMs exist in many fields and industries, so keep that in mind. But the other night I got paranoid and deleted my original post about it. Fear consumed me that someone, somewhere would find it and report me complaining about my job. But I’m pretty careful. And honestly, who the hell wants to sit around and talk about work all the time? My job might sound exciting because of Silicon Valley is hub to home to every prominent tech company — but I am sure most would not find it interesting at all, haha.
I also don’t write about tech – except to give my gratitude and credit for what technology has done for us all creatively and ability to connect with our communties (especially during the Pandemic, man, FaceTime, Zoom, and Instagram video calls probably saved us all.) I’ve always got an iPhone to create something when there’s no paint around, no glue, no pen or paper. I appreciate that, but I am not so much interested in writing about tech as I am about other things.
My art doesn’t have a conflict of interest with my work. My life as an artist and a PM rarely entangles; this is not to say that I don’t work on creative projects in my career; it’s all creative. Only my career is an entirely different creative niche altogether.
In a way, I look at my job as a creative outlet. I deal with design work, attention to detail, aesthetics, standards, expectations, etc. I actually love what I do. I’ve traveled the world, shook hands, and met with the most brilliant minds from so many diverse backgrounds. It challenges me in the best ways, and it’s helped me grow as a human being immensely. I’ve experienced fantastic teamwork cross-functionally to execute something beautiful and meaningful. I find meaning in my job.
However, in the last several months, I’ve noticed, and others have also taken notice, how differently my superiors are treating me. This humilites and embarrasses me to no end. For one, I’m being singled out. And two, people are noticing and aware. Third, and finally, I really can’t figure out what I’m doing to receive this treatment.
Its not a performance issue. I am on top of my shit, okay. Despite my insane workload. I am on top of it all.
It’s something else that I can’t quite put my finger on. I want to blame sexism and misogyny or ageism (though I’m really not that young, and I am not new in my career or entry-level).
But maybe it’s just me and who I am. Maybe my voice is similar to nails on a chalkboard to them? Perhaps I over-explain myself? That’s not uncommon for people with PTSD. I’m also neurodivergent, I have ADHD (combined with inattentiveness and hyperactivity), and I have a hard time processing my thoughts while speaking at times.
Horoscope by Co-Star
*authors note: I have worked with a spirituality coach in Human Design and The Gene Keys. According to my design, my gift is the gift of “I know,” and my voice is the conduit of sharing what “I know” with others. In Human Design, I have a strong connection or “channel” from my third eye center to my throat center. I once got an aura reading, and my throat center was lit the fuck up with the color of lavender. I do not have a blockage or underactive throat center. It is very much defined, and I do believe it to be one of my gifts. I suppose it is not a gift I’ve mastered yet, though.
I have been working on the same team for the last nine years. My role has evolved significantly over the years, and I have managed to elevate and progress in my career. Although it hasn’t been as rapid or extensive as I hoped, I have achieved decent success for the most part. A lot of people have come and gone. But mostly, a core group of us has been on this team for a long time. As an organization, we get along and work reasonably well with each other. We laugh a lot, celebrate people’s work anniversaries, birthdays, baby showers, and retirement parties, and make jokes; some team members go out of their way to make a few people’s day by making a Boba trip or giving me their lunch leftovers because I didn’t have time to eat.
But what I notice the most, it’s the women on my team, taking care of each other.
They’re apologizing to me for the few men who find it acceptable to disrespect and undermine my words publicly. They’re coming to me saying, “I don’t like how your manager treats you.” We encourage each other to go above and beyond to grow and develop. We encourage each other to go after whatever we want if that’s what we want. We check in on each other. We ask each other, “How are you doing/feeling? How is your sister doing? How are the kids? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you want a coffee?” We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. We text each other after presentations and say, “Great work! That was fantastic.” I texted my coworker this earlier this week:
But when I flip the coin and I see what I’m subjected to on the other side. I try to remember my grandather’s words:
It’s never personal, its only business.
But fuck, it’s been feeling very personal lately.
Do you know how often I have shared an idea, process, concern, risk, etc., to fall on deaf ears?
Do you know how often a man has brought up those exact ideas after I suggested them earlier, for them to be thought of as genius and actually heard?
Do you know how often I have been rudely silenced, cut off, and literally told, “Can someone just mute her already?” on a call with 25 people?
Do you know how often I’ve been asked to take on work outside of my job scope? I’ve never said no. I took on managing a completely different geographic region, halfway around the world, because I wanted the challenge. The change of scenery, people I work with, the scope of work, exposure and visibility, and so on…
Do you know how often comments about my appearance have been made to me? “Wow, you actually dressed like a girl today.” “Aren’t we looking grown up today?” “You are so skinny; you look amazing.” “You are so skinny. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you okay?” My manager pulled on one of my curls once. In our last one-on-one he called me inept. He tells me, “you’re good, but you could be great.”
I just don’t understand. Everyone says it’s not me. I work myself to the bone — others see it. Why doesn’t he? This job often leaves me in tears, tremendous stress, and worry. I am obsessed with performing.
I work 12–14 hour days most weeks. My work-life balance is complete and utter shit. I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and energetically exhausted. My social life has suffered. My self care and health have become hard to manage.
But I persevere because I believe in what I do. Most of my peers feel like family. We work so damn hard for such little recognition.
I may be struggling with being taken seriously in the workplace, for whatever god-awful reason it is, but I will continue to work hard, learn from others I respect, be proud of my hard work, and reap those fucking benefits.
So, I’m saying, come October, if I don’t get this promotion, I’ve been killing myself over this last year – I will lose my mind. Which means I’ll cry and spiral about what moves to make next. I will punish myself in some way and get more and more bitter. Or stop giving a shit altogether.
In the meantime, I will keep my grandfather’s words in my mind until I believe it. It’s not personal, Em, it’s business — yeah, sure.
