I Was Looking for Someone Who Wasn’t Real
The Effects of Creating a False Narrative of Someone + How Metanoia Changed My Life
“We have seen you put your all into someone and we’re worried for you.”
In early April, my mother stated this to me during a conversation about my relationships with people. She explained to me that she and my sister were growing concerned with the effect of relationships ending, which I gave my entire all for. At the time of her saying this, I didn’t know how to respond; I sat there and allowed myself to absorb all that was said. I believe at that time I wasn’t supposed to respond. Most times, we as humans aren’t meant to respond, especially when something triggers our ego, but rather attempt to comprehend what was given to us and take the things that stood out to us the most to be used as tools later in our lives. Though I came to the realization that yes, I have done the following, I didn’t want to respond because my entire being was shattered. I feel as though if I had responded in that moment, it would’ve been in a sense I felt attacked, which would’ve then contributed to an argument that would’ve brought upon a pointless ending. I said my farewells before hanging up the phone and started to ponder on the entire interaction and those I have given my all to just to end up with nothing but pieces to be rebuilt.
I’ve come to recognize such patterns of my past. Though it’s hard to admit because no one wants to be hurt in the end, I have loved although I’ve never been in love. I have loved people who I feel need it, but do they deserve mine? Not in the least. This isn’t to create friction between my past self and my present, but indeed those people never did. Why must I then ridicule myself for giving my all? Because I found the cycle I subconsciously contribute to or because I now want out of it? I believe the latter is what I see as the truth after evaluating my characteristics.
In response to what my mother told me, I contacted her a few days later and brought up what she said. She, of course, was confused as to why I would bring up the topic again, but I wanted to give a response to a statement I had thought about. I told her:
“I’d rather know that I did all I could to present myself to someone than regret anything on my end of the relationship, while also protecting myself.”
At first, I didn’t quite understand what I had said. However, throughout the phone call, I began to comprehend. Then, everything started to unfold and make sense to my mind and soul. Knowing that I did my part in a relationship by showing up for not only the person but for myself, has liberated me in many ways. It’s not to come across as arrogant, yet I do know I gave my all and there’s nothing that I could further do to make someone change their perspective of me. I cannot convince someone as to why I treat others with care and love; it’s up to them to see it for themselves and be open to the idea that this person (in this case myself) is showing me a kind of adoration that I’ve never experienced. Thus leading to one at a crossroads: accepting or rejecting. I used to never understand how someone could not be open to such a great love they’ve never experienced before, yet now I know that since some people haven’t experienced compassion -those like me give- they become conflicted with what they should do. How they should act, which then conforms to reaction, leads to a cycle that one must discover to unveil in the path of inner peace and self-love. Now there are times when this person can be at times insecure with themselves and project it on others, another form of rejection.
I’m no expert with a degree in understanding the human mind and how events throughout someone’s life can affect their perspective of different situations. However, I am able to recognize when someone is lacking whatever it may be to help them further express themselves and show their hidden characters. Sometime in the past, I have wondered if I was too much for people. Gave people a sense of needing to understand every aspect of their life. While I do hear the occasional, “You’re intimidating,” leading to the, “You just seem to have everything figured out,” I do not have to have those I surround myself with to have everything figured out. In fact, I don’t, but who does? The next question that came to mind was if I’m not too much for someone, then why aren’t they doing enough? I think this was where I messed up with relationships. If I could sense the person wasn’t engaged in having a relationship with me, and I say relationship loosely meaning that I could mean romantic or platonic, I would try harder to make them want me. Want me in a way where I was still showing up for myself, but not in a respectable manner. I kept playing out scenarios that would make sense in my mind, with premeditated actions and still ended up with few to no results of improvement. Improvement on both ends because I knew when something wasn’t working anymore, but I so badly wanted it to that I kept the person in my scenarios alive when the person in my reality was slowly dying.
My conscious mind knew the capability of someone and what they could be, yet the raw truth that I refused to accept at the time was their capabilities weren’t meant for me to discover. That wasn’t my place to be the one to find their characteristics, for I would’ve found ones that I desired them to have and failed in building it for them since they wouldn’t know how to handle the attributes either. In the beginning of my response to my mother (I’d rather know that I did all I could to present myself to someone than regret anything on my end of the relationship) I would’ve definitely agreed with this statement because that’s how I thought in the past. I thought that I was placed on Earth to endure the pain and suffering of others to hopefully reconstruct the way they were sought out to be.
During a treacherous period of my life not too long ago, from November to February, I was grieving someone who was still alive. The someone being the person I had envisioned in my head and my being. I was shedding piles on piles of layers that consumed me to the point of suffocation. I so desperately wanted the relationship to turn into something strong, something lasting. I knew I wouldn’t marry this person, but I at least wanted something out of it. I, indeed, did get something out of the relationship, though it wasn’t what I had envisioned. I came to the conclusion that I could not continue the pattern of showing up for people who weren’t even in the distance of doing the same. I ended things. I ended things because I knew I deserved better, yet it still hurt because again I was grieving someone who was still alive…or at least grieving someone who I had wished was alive and true (the person in my mind). All the while, I started to experience a shift in my life after making this grand decision of my life. At the time, I didn’t quite have a term for what I was going through internally. However, I now understand what it was: Metanoia. Usually, this term is used in a spiritual sense and though I have experienced such events in the spiritual sense, I also encountered this as of this year.
February was my breaking point, physically and mentally. I wouldn’t wish what I was going through on anyone, regardless of the outcome was worth it. Metanoia means “changing one’s mind” and to further elaborate “the process of experiencing a psychotic ‘breakdown’ and subsequent, positive psychological re-building or ‘healing’” according to Wikipedia. I can confidently say this was what I was going through because of the psychological shift and changing my perspective on certain situations. I would say it’s as if your building blocks, if you will, tumble down because a force came into contact with them. Of course, you’re discouraged, especially if you just finished stacking the blocks up. Nonetheless, you get the sudden courage to build them up again. Though it may be tedious and you want to be more cautious of every move that can hinder the process, eventually the building blocks are stacked again. The task isn’t so grandiose, but the result looks better than it did before. I strongly accept the idea that maybe such events needed to happen to me so that I could unpack and have a deep realization as to what I needed to discard that negatively impacted my life.
I do not lack sympathy for the person I once was, but I also do not coddle her because of that. I showed up for her the best way I could, yet I knew certain characteristics needed to be more developed or completely gone at a specific point in my life; that point being a few months ago. If I were to give a complete response to my mother that would fulfill myself, I’d say,
“I understand why you all are worried about me, however, I had to go through a period of giving my all to people to recognize the concept of being valued by the right person. Though I know I didn’t deserve to be put in that position, I think it was worth realizing my worth and that not everyone deserves my love. But I do believe giving my love is one of the most cherished gifts to be offered to this world that I must protect at all costs.”
