Learn This One Skill to Transform Your Life
The art of saying no and meaning it
I was scrolling through Pinterest, like I usually do, and I came across a wonderful quote that reminded me of the power of saying no.
Saying “no” might be uncomfortable, but it will also make you free.
The word ‘no’ has a negative connotation to it. When I say no to a person or an opportunity, the moments that follow are filled with dark imagery of doors closing dramatically. Most people don’t like a person who says no and are quick to judge them as snobbish or mean-spirited.
As I say this, I can hear my mother whispering to my grandparents on a rainy Sunday afternoon that I said no to everything. “It’s like she doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings,” she said.
What my mother felt whenever I declined to agree with her thoughts or do something she wanted me to wasn’t far from what most people feel when someone doesn’t agree with them.
Is that because I was unkind when I turned my wonderful mother down? Not at all. On the contrary, I was ready to have a conversation about why I didn’t agree with her and to explain how important it was that I made my own mind about relationships that were personal to me.
So Why Do People Hate Hearing No?
When you say no to someone, it shatters their expectations from you and they feel rejected. A few months ago I remember talking to my therapist about how my friend was spending very little time with me. It was a petty complaint but having very few friends, I cherish every moment spent with the ones I do have. Add to that my inability to make plans with someone, and you find yourself socially isolated. But here I was trying and being turned down over and over again.
I was hurt — my trust had been misplaced in this person who did not care about me. My therapist asked me to think about this incident and how it made me feel. It was simple. I felt angry, lonely, and betrayed.
My therapist pressed on but when I couldn’t think of anything else, she asked me a simple question that would change my outlook to how I viewed the word ‘no’.
“Does it feel like your friend has rejected you?”
It wasn’t until she brought it up that I was able to identify that I was indeed feeling rejected. She further explained that in relationships people have expectations of each other. This holds true for work relationships too. When people don’t act according to those expectations, it can often lead for you to feel rejected.
The word ‘no’ itself isn’t bad when it’s out of context but it can invoke negative emotions and therefore it is crucial to understand how to say no effectively.
In my case, my therapist suggested that I talk to this friend about my expectations and how their decisions made a difference to my life. This had an incredible impact on our friendship as we had an honest conversation which involved understanding a little bit of why we felt the way we did. The next time I was turned down, it was done more kindly and I was able to appreciate the circumstances surrounding the ‘no’.
How Has Saying No Helped My Personal Relationships?
A person who is reluctant to say no to others is often a people pleaser. If you often find yourself saying yes to parties you don’t want to attend or helping friends when you have no time to spare, you need to consider learning the skill of saying no.
Why do I keep calling this a skill? Saying no does not come naturally to most people and can be challenging the first few times you do it. I remember when I had started making friends at work, my instinct would be to say yes to any plans. I never checked my calendar to see if I was busy or if I needed to be up early next morning. People wanted to hangout with me and that hadn’t happened often enough. I wanted to experience a thriving social life.
It wasn’t until I started preparing for an exam that was expensive and time consuming that I realised the need for some boundaries. Working full time while pursuing a professional license left me with very little time. This didn’t mean that I would stop going out (although that did work for some of my colleagues). Instead, I began to cut down on drinking during dinners because I had to study the next morning.
The first time that I said no to a drink, I was worried that people might not see me as fun anymore. Instead, when asked on why I wasn’t drinking when I usually enjoyed some gin, I decided to be honest. To my surprise, they were supportive and continued to enjoy my presence.
As a result of drawing these boundaries for myself, I have passed two sections of the exam and continue to wait on the score for the remaining two sections.
It is important to view saying no as a skill because it needs to be done thoughtfully. It teaches you to draw boundaries and continue to grow yourself. Learn to trust the people in your life and know that if they truly care for you, they want you to succeed and will be there for you even if you skip a couple of events or don’t agree with their opinions. Relationships that do no survive boundaries are often not great to begin with.
Say No at Work When Necessary
Your workplace is where you excel in your career and learn the skills necessary to be successful. Every organisation and firm has their own culture which can range from the friendliest to one where professionals find it hard to be honest.
A boss who is always skeptical about the sick leave you’re requesting or a senior colleague who treats you with no respect. Add to this the experience of being a woman and your work life can get toxic.
Most firms in India, my home country, have a bad reputation for their work culture. There is no streamlined way of reporting harassment, bullying, or trolling. However, things are getting better and businesses have started taking employees seriously. We’re far from ideal but my hope is we’ll get there.
Add to this the arduous task of saying no to people at work and you have a boiling pot of stress and anxiety. You may ask me — what if I say no to someone and they let that impact my performance review? Or what if I say no and become a social outcast at work? How can I say no without being worried about retaliation?
These are very real fears and I won’t lie to you — these things might happen as a result of setting boundaries at work. In my experience, saying no at work depends on several factors. Ask yourself this -
- Is the culture at my current job open enough for me to be honest about my thoughts and setting boundaries?
- What about the people I work with? Are they supportive of my well-being and open to have a conversation?
If the answers to the above are no, then think about where you work. I am not going to be presumptuous and ask you to leave your job because I do not know your circumstances. If I had a family to support or a mortgage to pay, I’d bow down and not ruffle any feathers.
But consider if you can do that. An employee always thrives in an environment where they feel empowered. Saying no helps you set boundaries and gives you back your power.
I have been at both ends of the spectrum. A team that did not encourage thoughts and dialogue but prioritised instructions. Another that motivated people to find new ways of doing things, learning through their work and taking opportunities.
When I switched to the second team, my career trajectory skyrocketed. From being a below average performer, I improved because I was given the tools to learn and felt empowered to use them. How did I do that? Often by saying no to tasks when my plate was full and excelling at the things I was doing.
The first few instances were anxiety-ridden with my hands shaking and practicing how to frame my arguments. But as I did it more, I learned to be more confident. It helped that I was an honest worker who was always happy to help people unless it was impossible to do so.
In Conclusion
Saying no gives you power and like any power, it is crucial to remember to use it appropriately. In the words of Peter Parker, “With great power, comes great responsibility.”
Use your power, say no and let it transform your life.
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