Living With Mother-in-law
A how-to guide from a psychologist daughter-in-law
I am a psychologist and a daughter-in-law, married for almost three years. This is a friendly starter guide from me to every daughter-in-law who is struggling to make room for herself and hoping to cordially live with her mother-in-law under the same roof.
To begin with, a little context. I am from India, and from the start of my relationship, I knew my mother-in-law would be living with us if I married my husband. This did not worry me. In most Asian cultures, families are close-knit, and their members continue to live together unless there is a need for teenage or adult children to move out for higher education or better job opportunities. Often, working young adults or newly married couples invite their ageing parents to stay with them, who gladly help with chores, give practical advice from experience, and help raise their grandchildren. These days, though the preference to live independently is on the rise, sometimes living together is indispensable, as it was in my case.
When I first met my husband, he and his family were grieving the untimely and sudden demise of his father. Before this loss, my husband and his parents were living independent lives in different states. After his father’s passing, my husband brought his mother to live with him and took good care of her. Instead of bonding with colleagues over a beer on a Friday night, my then-fiance slept in early to take his mother for an outing every Saturday morning. Their morning walk in a lush park would be followed by a visit to the temple, a platter of crispy dosa with steaming hot filter coffee at a local joint and restocking from the farmer’s market. They also volunteered at an orphanage over the weekends. They had dinner together while watching television and catching up on their respective day.
How my husband treated his mother when she had been bereft and lonely told me a great deal about his character. I saw a man who knew how to care and possessed remarkable emotional intelligence. I admired how my husband and his mother worked like a team. I very much wanted to be a part of this family!
After our wedding, I moved into the apartment my husband and I rented and furnished. My husband and his mother had been living there for the last three months before I joined them. I had anticipated teething trouble but did not doubt that we would get along as three mature adults. I did not know my faith was about to be tested!
As I joined the family, my first challenge was getting over the ‘house guest’ feeling. I felt like an addition, an afterthought, and struggled to feel at ease. I noted how we did what my mother-in-law expected or practised; it was like returning to school and staying under parental scrutiny. The home already had a routine that suited other members but me, and I felt torn about getting on with it. How things were organized, what food we ate and how that was prepared, and the activity clock of the home, like bedtime, mealtime, etc., were misaligned with my preferences. An unvocal pressure to adapt was palpable because of the cultural expectations we had been raised with. Naturally, the place where I lived did not feel mine.
I turned to the internet for advice from psychologists and relationship experts but found nothing helpful or empathetic to my context. Online platforms are saturated with Western narratives where living with a mother-in-law is considered unusual, even undesirable. All advice seemed geared towards living separately from in-laws and restricting their influence at the first sighting of smoke. I also found blog posts where daughters-in-law complained about their in-laws’ lack of consideration and unsupportive husbands. My situation was entirely different.
I was looking for ways to ease into multigenerational living that comes loaded with cultural expectations about how a decent daughter-in-law should behave. Based on a daughter-in-law’s behaviour, it is common for Indians to make unfair inferences about the quality of parenting she had received.
Being younger, less experienced and new to the family, the most challenging aspect for me was the ambiguity around the division of labour and decision-making power.
I wanted to fit in and stay true to myself. I wanted to co-exist wholeheartedly without stifling my individuality and simultaneously hold space for the needs and preferences of other adults who were family but not yet familiar to me.
The advice and assurance I needed to make this happen were not available.
I am writing this article after almost three years of hands-on experience in improving my relationship with my mother-in-law. Here are eight science-backed strategies from my expertise in psychology and personal experience to help you (the daughter-in-law) live an amicable life with your mother-in-law, even if you suspect your mother-in-law to be challenging or jealous by nature.
The only prerequisites are a supportive and communicative husband and the awareness that your mother-in-law is probably making concessions and adjustments to include you in her life, and you could be oblivious to it.
Strategy number 1: Understand your mother-in-law’s insecurity and side-step it.
Mothers-in-law are noted to be ambivalent towards brides. One day, your mother-in-law may act friendly and supportive towards you, and the next day, she may be upset and complaining over something trivial. Such unpredictable behaviour can be explained by ‘approach-avoidance’ conflict, which means a result is simultaneously desirable and unacceptable to a person.
In this context, the result is integrating the daughter-in-law—you- into the family. From a mother-in-law’s perspective, the entry of the daughter-in-law signals an impending change of guard with respect to how the home is run and who will be in charge of day-to-day affairs. While the mother-in-law wishes to get along well with you (because you are important to her son!), she also fears that she will be gradually sidelined and eventually rendered irrelevant in her son’s life because of your eventual takeover of all responsibilities and decision-making. Hence, the ‘approach-avoidance’ conflict that leads to ambivalent behaviour on a mother-in-law’s part.
The best way forward is to show you are not a threat. Devise a gesture that speaks loud and clear: I am not and never will be a hindrance to the relationship my mother-in-law and my husband share.
For example, I have encouraged my husband to continue his Saturday morning outing ritual with his mother. This is my way of showing my mother-in-law that I am not threatened by the closeness she and her son share.
Truth be told, my husband played a critical role in securing my confidence and goodwill. As my husband and I started communicating more authentically and became each other’s confidant, I stopped feeling like an outsider.
Giving my husband and mother-in-law that space to connect exclusively has strengthened my marriage, and I strongly suspect it can work wonders for you as well.
Strategy number 2: Trust is built and earned over time. Let your bond grow organically instead of expecting it to exist from the start of your marriage magically.
Being married to a man does not automatically infuse his mother with affection and best intentions towards you. Even though the cultural parables say otherwise, your mother-in-law is not your mother and never will be. Do not expect your mother-in-law to respond (positively) to you like your mother would.
Mutual trust develops when two individuals have a shared story and history built on positive experiences with each other. Without positive shared experiences, your mother-in-law cannot be your safe space or guide in this new phase of your life. Until such a time arrives, do not over-share with your mother-in-law when you are happy or sad. Please do not say things to her when you are angry that you may regret later.
It is okay if your mother-in-law does not acknowledge your efforts in the kitchen or towards home improvement. She may prefer doing things her way, which is bound to differ from yours.
Refrain from prematurely turning to her for advice or support, especially on things close to your heart, because elders usually feel disrespected if their advice is ignored after being sought.
When good things happen for you, try to keep it low if you suspect jealousy on your mother-in-law’s part. It is neither fair to her nor to you to expect she should celebrate your wins and mourn your losses just because you both are related by marriage.
By considering your mother-in-law as someone with whom you share a living space and familial responsibilities, you can unburden this tricky bond of premature and unwarranted expectations.
Be patient and let your bond with your mother-in-law grow organically over time instead of expecting it to exist from the start of your marriage.
Strategy number 3: Establish and maintain a clear boundary.
In psychology, we can think of a boundary as a consciously drawn bubble around our self; we take responsibility for what is within the bubble and let others take responsibility for what lies outside it. This boundary also dictates who can enter our physical, mental and emotional spaces and how far inside we allow them. Limiting others’ access to us is best if we do not entirely trust or like them.
Just because you and your mother-in-law share a home, you are not obligated to share the most important aspects of your life.
Think of your mother-in-law as a flatmate to whom you owe limited accountability, and the two of you should get along.
Divide responsibilities related to household chores. Let her know in advance if you cannot do your share because of work-related emergencies, ill health, or change of plans.
Sometimes, ask her if she wants help, and do what she says. If she tries to help you or instruct you regarding your share of work like cooking, listen to what she has to say. If you don’t like her advice, make an excuse and say you would prefer to work alone on this task for now.
Your and your husband’s primary responsibility towards your mother-in-law is to care for her. This means meeting her basic needs like food, clothes and medical treatment and creating a pleasant atmosphere at home. Additionally, spending quality time and taking vacations as a family can work wonders to bring people closer.
Despite all these, if your husband and you find your mother-in-law upset or in a foul mood right before heading for a date night, let it be. If she makes excuses to cancel your date night, take a deep breath, ignore her and go out anyway. Remind yourself and your husband that neither one of you is responsible for your mother-in-law’s feelings. Try to have a good time anyway, and sometimes (not always*) bring back a small treat for your mother-in-law. This gesture will reassure her and reward her for not interrupting your quality couple’s time.
Strategy number 4: Don’t take it personally. Also, be fair to her.
Consider your mother-in-law from a bigger, impersonal angle. What would you think of her if she were a character from a book or movie?
How does she behave across situations? Does she have personality issues? Is she preoccupied with being liked? Does she get competitive with others? Does she seem distrustful of relatives or neighbours? What is her story—is she the hero or the victim? Ask her about her childhood, married life, her most challenging phases, and unfulfilled dreams.
As Aristotle said, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Children of critical parents may grow up to be critical adults. Once you realize, for example, that your mother-in-law is an emotionally immature adult who struggles to regulate her emotions, her behaviour towards you will not seem petty. Suppose you discover that your mother-in-law was a neglected child and invisible wife who had to fight for her mother’s and husband’s attention; you will understand why she is always trying to hold the court, especially when it comes to her son and the home turf.
Being older and holding a senior role doesn’t automatically infuse your mother-in-law with wisdom and maturity. If you stay open to your mother-in-law’s story, you may develop empathy for the confused and complex adult she has become. This understanding will surely soften the perceived blows.
Additionally, deposit goodwill in your relationship account to withdraw it when needed. You can do this by giving your mother-in-law credit where it is due. It has to be sincere and timely. If she cooks something special for your birthday, and you appreciate it, express that. If she does something thoughtful or witty, compliment her. When we show others what we admire and value in them, they will likely repeat that behaviour more often (a positive reinforcement!).
When people feel seen, cared for and appreciated by you, they are less likely to stay hostile to you.
Strategy number 5: Give and take space. Also, learn to communicate clearly.
No one likes nosiness! Learn to mind your business. Leave your mother-in-law to her devices, and do not get involved unless she asks you to.
Spend limited but quality time with her and check on her every day. Improvise as you proceed, and be open to a change of heart.
Creating opportunities for bonding and pleasant interactions is vital for the longevity of this relationship. However, do so on your terms. Avoid her company when you are tired, stressed, busy or emotional unless it is an emergency. Being friendly and approachable is enough to have a healthy and functional relationship with your mother-in-law.
For example, I have my morning tea and dinner with my mother-in-law. Though my husband is also there, my mother-in-law has my undivided attention during these times, and I am responsive to her requests and stories. I only talk about myself during these times if asked. After my morning tea, I leave for the office and retreat to the bedroom after dinner. So, my time with my mother-in-law is regular, short, effective, and largely sufficient. Weekends are more relaxed affairs. With time, as our bond deepens, we spend more time in each other’s company.
Strategy number 6: State and remember the point (hint: it’s not her!)
This one is for the tough times and rough patches.
As a professional, you will work with people you do not completely trust and feel at ease with. In such circumstances, the relationship is not the point; the work is. The relationship is merely a means to an end. The situation with your mother-in-law is no different.
Let the relationship with your mother-in-law be amicable and surficial. Nod and smile. Keep conversations direct, polite and minimal, especially when things are tense or disagreement is anticipated.
Focus on getting things done at home, staying kind and supportive. The goal should be to come together amicably during family events, festivals, and celebrations.
Strategy number 7: Build yourself up.
Get the best life you can, seriously!
The more we love our life, the less we resent those disagreeable with us.
Exercise daily, eat healthy, and learn new stuff. Become a better professional in your chosen field. Become a better human being. Have hobbies, and spend time with friends. Travel with your husband and do fun things together.
Instead of renting your headspace to a litany of complaints about your mother-in-law, fill it with things you love and enjoy. The more you focus and act on what is good for you, the less energy you will have for things that drain you.
As monk Dandapani says, “Wherever attention goes, energy flows!”
Use your energy to water the flowers in your life, not the weeds.
Strategy number 8: Repair the ruptures.
In any relationship, disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable because no two individuals think alike or value the same things. If your mother-in-law is upset over your choices, instead of thinking ‘none of her business’, use this opportunity to learn about her values and educate her about yours.
For example, I like decorating and styling our home. Sometimes, I buy stuff not because we need them but because they are nice and create a specific ambience. My mother-in-law felt quite uncomfortable with this behaviour and warned against being wasteful. I took this opportunity to understand that she wanted to ensure I had enough saved to cover emergencies and that I was not becoming frivolous with money. To shift her perspective, I started disclosing how I buy things at discounted prices and regularly save from my monthly salary. I also made my mother-in-law understand that having a pleasant and beautiful home is essential to my husband and me as a couple. We want our home to feel cosy, aesthetically pleasing and welcoming. Being able to live this way is one of the reasons why we work so hard.
Receptivity to each other’s viewpoints and trying to explain ourselves have strengthened our bond without altering our positions.
These strategies have helped me stay objective and be available to build a genuine bond with my mother-in-law. We still have challenging days, but they are fewer and far apart.
No two families are alike. If the strategies mentioned above do not work for you and things get heated, I hope you stay kind and dignified in your behaviour.
Never abuse your mother-in-law, and never allow her to abuse you.
If things get out of hand, meet a relationship counsellor or family therapist.
Though I have used the words’ mother-in-law’ and ‘daughter-in-law’ to elucidate a typical dynamic, these strategies apply to the extensive spectrum of human connections. These strategies may benefit anyone struggling to develop intimacy with their partner’s parent.
© Anushree Bose 2023 — Present. All Rights Reserved.
Footnote: *because unpredictable and intermittent reinforcements work best!
Disclaimer: This advice is intended for general knowledge and should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, intervention or treatment. Please consult with your mental health professional or other qualified healthcare provider if you are suffering.
