Loyalty in Love: Is It Worth It?
Devotion Must Be Conditional To Work.
Loyalty is a virtue but is loyalty necessary for your relationship?
As an African woman, I have seen firsthand how loyalty is praised above all else, especially in the context of romantic relationships.
I remember asking my ex why I was so easily discarded after all I committed and he shat out excuses like, “but she is so loyal. She commits so much of her time to the work. You have other engagements…”
Well, they were still in the honeymoon phase but, I wanted to ask, will she put up with a quarter of the bullshit I put up with for you? The lies? The disrespect? The reckless abuses?
Also, why is loyalty a female trait?
As my ex will say then, you don’t give trust to a man. His duty is to provide.
But I have researched and researched on trust and loyalty and while men (and women) everywhere on the planet can fall short from time to time, for the African male who by the way, is the loudest on ‘loyalty’ and needing to ‘trust your woman 100%’, they are both the most lacking either virtue and the most entitled to them.
African men are often the loudest on loyalty, painting it as the ultimate marker of a successful relationship.
“A loyal woman inherits everything,” they say, “and keeps her home safe from outside influences.”
But what they choose to not see and refuse to be held accountable for, is the brutal cost of this kind of loyalty on women.
A loyal woman is submissive, she endures disrespectful behavior, is neglected, and is demeaned in actions and verbal insults. A loyal woman is without boundaries or self-worth. She must be as stoic as they come, even in the face of grievous bodily abuse, verbal insults, and reckless assaults on her self-esteem. She must walk on eggshells, and live in fear like a mouse, and her personality must be bland, devoid of any flavor that might challenge her man’s authority.
And yet, she endures it all, steadfast in her loyalty, fighting her man’s battles and defending him at every turn. For a loyal woman, her biggest crusades are on church grounds and everywhere else her man needs her.
Loyal women do not often have a good end — nothing ever changes and many of them die young. I have seen it all too often.
I have transformed from a woman of unwavering loyalty to one who demands a cost for my devotion. A cost that must be paid by anyone who seeks it. If you want a loyal woman, know that you will have to pay the price. Your words must hold weight, your actions must be true, and your standards must be higher than most.
But why did I become disloyal? My quest to rebirth myself? My thirst for vengeance?
Nah, it started with 2 simple questions:
- If my daughter tells me about her life (the one I was living), what will I tell her?
- If I were my daughter, will I want to live the life I was living?
No way will I have lived long enough to see my daughter soar. The kind of loyalty I once offered would not have allowed me to do so.
I look back and think forward and I insist, loyalty may come free but it must not remain so especially when circumstances change and, for many other relationship dynamics, loyalty must be earned, and those who seek it must be willing to pay the cost. Where mother justice may stay blindfolded, loyalty must have its eyes untainted.
To bring this to a close, ladies and gentlemen,
Loyalty is a noble trait and one we should possess, but it should not come at the cost of our self-worth, our dignity, or our lives. One must be ready to withdraw their loyalty when its force is not been matched or respected. One’s loyalty to you is not something that should be taken lightly, nor something that should be expected without reciprocation. Treat people’s loyalty as conditional — because it is their choice. They give it because there is an honored interest they receive — whether implicitly or explicitly stated.
Over to you, are you the unwaveringly loyal person, or is your loyalty like mine, conditional?
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