Relationships
Moving On After An Abusive Relationship
Thoughts and reflections.
You never think it’s going to happen to you until it does. Close to a year since that experience ended, I feel there may be something in my reflections that could be useful to anyone who has been through something similar.
I suppose a brief synopsis is appropriate. Abuse comes in various shapes and forms. It is insidious and destabilising. I didn’t see it coming until I was too deep to get out easily (this is normal). Emotionally and psychologically, I was bulldozed. I was isolated and guilty. My sense of self disappeared (again, this is all normal).
Only through great blessings have I been able to not only move on, but also grow and learn from the experience. It’s been a journey of self-discovery, self-compassion and courage. Let me take you through it.
The emotional whirlwind
No matter how destructive the relationship is, it’s still going to hurt when it ends. I felt great pain and relief simultaneously. A period of numbness ensued, followed by absolute disbelief about what had happened.
How had I gotten myself into it? Why did I stay for so long? How could I make sure this never happened again?
Give yourself infinite compassion and patience. Give yourself the time and space to grieve for the love you have lost, no matter how malignant it was. Trust that you will get through this.
The T.L.C.
Abusive relationships are isolating. You start to doubt who you are, and your worthiness, on a very basic level. If you were like me, you supported the web of manipulation and subscribed to ways of thinking that were not your own. This may have led to you further distancing yourself from the people who love you.
Fortunately, those who love us are not so easily deterred. Go to them, and let them help you. No one can do it alone. Let them hear your story and let them give you the love and support that you need.
Talking about your experience to those you can trust, who will listen and not judge, and shower you with kindness — this is a great healer. The more you relate your story, the less it looms over you and sucks you in. The more you share your traumatic experience, the more perspective you gain as those around you bring you back to the reality that you are a good, kind person, who deserves good, kind things.
The learning
We are blessed to live in a time where great, reliable information is freely available. Educating myself about abusive relationships was incredibly enlightening and empowering. Understanding that there is a classic pattern that occurs, and understanding why, has helped me immensely.
The experience of learning and understanding how and why these patterns occur in abusive relationships was a freeing experience. I realised that it wasn’t my fault, that this is a well-studied phenomenon that sadly, many people of all backgrounds and capabilities the world over fall victim to. It allowed me to liberate myself from the experience and forgive myself for what I put myself through.
The soul searching
I needed to understand how it happened, so that it would never happen again. Soul searching takes patience, courage and humility. For me, podcasts work. For you, it may be a therapist (I did that too), journalling, reading or spirituality. Either way, the end of an abusive relationship is a wonderful opportunity to take a deep dive into who you were, are and going to be.
I was blessed with the time and support to be able to reflect on myself. What were the patterns in my past relationships? How did I really feel about myself? What had I valued then, and what did I value now? How had I ended up believing that he was all I deserved, and that I was worthy of so little? Why did I ignore such obvious red flags? Why had I trusted my intuition so little?
It’s hard, but it’s worth it. Going through hell forces you to know yourself at your core. You go through a process of understanding and acceptance, eventually being able to embrace the wonderful human that you are and knowing that you only deserve the very best of love and care.
The journey
Recovery is a process. You will move ten steps forward and five steps back. You will be fine, and then suddenly find yourself in pieces. This is normal, and remember that you are growing enormously in the process.
Give yourself the opportunity to reinvent yourself. Get involved, take up a challenge, try a new hobby- and remind yourself of who you are. Remember that you are so much more than what happened to you. Get used to living on your own terms again.
I started writing on Medium, reconnected with old friends, joined a choir and travelled. I had never known how much joy and freedom writing could bring me until then. What a wonderful gift, even though it was realised through so much pain.
The moving on
Moving on was hard. I was like a wounded animal, ready to lash out at the slightest sign of danger. Don’t rush or push yourself to meet someone new. Your time with yourself will become precious, and you will be fiercely protective of your peace.
Even once I was ready, I found entering into a new relationship extremely triggering. Innocent words would spin me back to memories and feelings. I would feel guilty about nothing. I was understandably very cautious.
Being with a patient, understanding and kind partner has certainly been a part of the healing process for me. I thought I was fine before, then realised that a lot more work needed to be done once I was in a new relationship. I was vulnerable, even though I was terrified. I have learned what it means to be in a secure and loving relationship, where love is based on acceptance, forgiveness, and who I am as opposed to who I should be.
All relationships are different, and so is the recovery process. I can only speak for myself, and know that as hard as it has been, there are many who go through worse.
Time, patience, self-compassion and determination can go a long way. Seeking professional help can be very helpful. A supportive network is gold.
Close to a year later, the memories of what happened are vague and faded. In many ways, I am different, particularly in terms of my relationship with myself. I am grateful that I am able to look back, understand the lessons learned and give myself the grace to look forward.
The ghosts of the past rear their heads less and less. I still sometimes act out the remaining echoes of past behaviours, but not often. I know that with ongoing awareness and practice, they will eventually fade into nothingness.
Remember:
You are worthy and deserving.
Life is good and people are kind.
You are enough as you are.
