My Career Break was Nothing Like “Eat, Pray, Love”.
It was riddled with anxiety, shame and guilt… before arriving at peace.
My career break was meant to be a time for contemplation, restoration, exploration, and enjoyment, or at least that was the plan. After all, I left my full-time job and my country for this.
I’ve been in the creative industry for a decade now, designing for various industries in a variety of forms. I went from working on FMCG packaging to UI/UX, directing shoots, designing exhibition walls, hotel websites, bar menus, limited edition books and beyond. After a couple of years, I’ve found strategic brand design to be my sweet spot where I could exercise my critical thinking skills on a broader scale and be excited about all the possible outcomes.
Alas, I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure if I want to continue my career path the same way. Getting older and being more active in the climate and social justice space in the past couple of years also got me thinking.
The big move
This has been a year in the making. As I prepared for my move from Singapore to London, I dreamt about how much I would enjoy my life there — a different melting-pot of cultures, the freedom, the arts scene, the cool summers, the proximity to Europe, and the access to greater knowledge in sustainability and design.
I forgot that having lived my entire life in Singapore probably meant I had some internalised baggage that to let go of before I could live this ideal, imagined life.
Two weeks into my new life, the questions began.
“So, how have you been spending your days?”
“Have you started looking for a job yet?”
Before I left, I had clearly communicated to friends and family that I was going to take a break. Why are they asking me this so soon?
At first, it was easy.
“Oh, I’m busy looking for a place to stay.”, I would respond.
Then, it became harder and harder as time went by.
Did they think I was very free because I wasn’t working? I didn’t feel free, every day was a mini battle — from figuring out where the trash goes, to learning how to cook and actually contending with being in a foreign country with virtually no support system.
Very soon, I got sick of coming up with things to say to account for how I spent my days. It felt like I didn’t do much, yet the days passed so quickly.
The tunnel I didn’t know I was in
After 2 months of being in London, things were finally starting to feel normal. I know my way around now and those mini-battles from before didn’t come up as frequently.
It was as if I ignored the fact that moving across the globe meant I needed time to feel normal, or maybe I didn’t think it would take me this long. Probably the latter, since I’ve always known myself to be strong, independent, adaptable and resilient. It wouldn’t be as surprising if I had known myself to first, be human. Hah!
The same questions are still coming, not just from loved ones now, but from every interaction I have with people back home.
It was then that I realised — my annoyance at those questions came from a place inside me. I was judging myself on how unproductive I was during my career break. Productivity, that is, in the form that I knew.
Actually, it is possible to be productive during a career break, just that productivity looks different from the time when I was working 50 hours a week. I have grown in ways I wouldn’t have if I was still living the same life back in Singapore. I can cook now, and it’s more about nourishing the body than it is for survival. I’ve connected with even more like-minded people who care about the same issues as I do: Planet over profit. I’ve dedicated time to dive deeper into sustainability, capitalism, and how we can redesign corporations to be good for our planet and its people.
I was productive! Why was I so hard on myself?
Besides, the questions were probably well-meaning. People simply wanted to know how I was doing, or perhaps they could not imagine what a life without work looks like since they have not experienced it themselves.
Problem solved?
I thought having crossed that mental hurdle meant that I am finally ready to contemplate, explore, rest, and enjoy now. But no, here’s where the primal instinct to survive kicks in — the nagging desire to get back to work (not out of true desire, but out of fear).
In my mind and on paper, I have been “resting” for 4 months.
Would the gap in my resume look bad? Do I actually want to put it out there that I’m taking a career break? Omg, this agency is hiring. Should I apply? But I’ve not updated my portfolio... Do I actually want this job? But what if I miss this opportunity? Another recruiter message in my inbox... What should I say? I’m not ready yet, but what if I reject what could be a really good opportunity?
Rinse and repeat. Day after day.
It was a cycle that made me feel so anxious that I decided once and for all to apply the mindset I had for work for my career break as well, that is, to do it properly.
Arriving at peace
It took me a long time, but I am somewhat here now.
Now, I tell myself: It is ok to not work for now — I have prepared for this.
I embarked on this career break for a reason, so it is far worse to rush into a decision when I’m still looking for clarity. I am still exploring my interests, gaining new skills, expanding my network in the sustainability space, and last but not least, slowing down and recharging.
If you’re on a career break, I hope you’d be kinder to yourself than I was.
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