My Friend Says Exactly What She Thinks
The problem? It often makes other people upset.
Rachel and I have been friends for about eleven years. She is one of my closest friends and she has been there for me through some tough times.
We are very different people and come from very different backgrounds, but this does not stop us from having a lot of things in common and from seeing the world in a similar way most of the time.
But there is one thing that is very different about us: she is very good at saying exactly what she thinks and I am not. I will try to placate people, please them and keep the peace and I will often put others’ needs ahead of my own.
Rachel on the other hand knows exactly what she needs and she is not afraid of saying it. I respect this. I wish I was more like this.
The problem is that it can make other people upset — including me — perhaps mainly me.
Some examples.
She needs/likes to be in control of a lot of situations. So she will take charge of a walk or a board game that we are doing and dictate her terms — e.g she wants us to walk for the amount of time that suits her, rather than considering any of the other people in the group, or we’ll play a game until she gets tired of it.
If she is in a bad mood, she makes no attempt to hide it and our mutual friends and I suffer the consequences. This has happened on multiple group holidays where she has basically ruined our day because of a perceived slight/argument/general pissed-off mood.
She has a clear vision for the way that things should be done and it can be difficult for anyone to disagree with that vision.
I sometimes have a tendency to say stupid things, and she will always pick me up on them. For example, I made a comment about some of my friends being older parents, and she called me out for being ageist. She wasn’t wrong to call me out, but the way that she called did it left me feeling quite bitter.
I have talked to some of our mutual friends about Rachel’s way of being and they are able to deal with it better than me — they make a joke out of it, or they pick her up on things just as much as she does to them to have a sense of balance.
I feel that as the most insecure of the group, I’m the one who it affects the most. Some days it makes me question how much I enjoy spending time with her and leaves me second guessing everything that I say and do — but then other days we have such a good time together that I forget all about it.
What would you do in this scenario?
Perhaps if I can be more like her and speak my mind, I can try to find a similar balance with Rachel that my other friends have. Perhaps I can develop a thicker skin and not let it get to me so much. I could even talk to her about it and see if we can find some understanding.
I just wish that those three things were easier to do.
