My main inspirations for body hair removal

(As encouraged by various hairy men)

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

1. Aged 13, sitting outside for a P.E lesson, one Steven Shaw — a podgy tween with bum fluff on his chin and I imagine (never tried to verify) a smattering of gingery pubes — took one look at my legs and said, “I thought girls were supposed to shave their legs?” And so began my first leg shaving.
2. Not long later, I read a magazine article in a teen publication called “Mizz” that was written by a man. In it, he described his preferred way that women should remove body hair from various different places in their bodies:

• Legs: waxing with shaving in between waxes.
• Armpits: shaving.
• Facial hair (e.g monobrows, possible mustaches, etc) bleaching. If this wasn’t sufficient cover-up, then sugaring and/or threading.
• Bikini line: waxing.
• Nipple hairs (yes, it was this thorough): plucking.

Many of these techniques I had never heard of, but you can be sure that I investigated them after reading such insightful and useful information. And so began my lifetime hobby of nipple hair plucking.

3. Aged 22, during a one-night stand that became a few nights-stand, my new gentleman friend, on seeing my lady parts for the first time, told me, “Oh, I prefer it when there’s no hair,” thereby revealing his preference for pre-pubescent-looking girls. Did I still have sex with him? Yes. More than once? Yes. Did I remove all pubic hair before the next time that we had sex? Yes. What can I say? I was insecure and desperate for male attention.

4. Aged 27, post-surgery when I wasn’t able to shower for a minimum of one month due to stitches, a male physiotherapist — a supposed professional who worked with both men and women on a regular basis, on seeing my now fully furry legs, said, “Oh, I wasn’t expecting that. You’re not a usual woman, are you?” In this case, I physically couldn’t shave my legs, however, before my next physio session, I requested that my boyfriend do it for me. He refused on principle, so they remained hairy. How that physiotherapist must have suffered!

5. Aged 33, now no longer a slave to the expectations of men for the level of body hair I manage, and armpit hair at full length, a young, I’m guessing early-twenties guy sees my flowing locks when I stretch and whispers to his mate (just loud enough for me to hear), “Look over there — she’s got proper hairy pits.” To which I respond by saying nothing, but vowing to wear long sleeve tops in the future.

What should I have said to all of these men?

1. You’re totally right, I slipped up. I’ll get that sorted now, sir.
2. Yeah, I have hairy legs, get over it.
3. It’s natural.
4. My body, my hair.
5. Mate, I can’t be arsed to be in this unrelenting cycle of hair, no hair. It’s expensive and it’s a waste of my time.
6. Fuck Off.

Other suggestions welcome in the comments section!