My Pivotal Moment: Choosing Sobriety
Another writer responded to this prompt and said that she can’t choose just one pivotal moment in her life, and I tend to agree. But I would say that the one I come back to the most is my decision to get sober. I had my last drink on October 31st, 2020. I am now approaching my two-year soberthday (sobriety birthday). I’m no longer as focused on the day count as I was in early sobriety, but I’m very aware of the work it took to get here. To say that I am proud of myself is an understatement.
You may have looked at me a few years ago and had no idea that I struggled with alcohol. I was a single mom to a beautiful little girl named Harper. We lived in a small unit in an old Victorian home that had been subdivided into three apartments. I worked part-time at a local Pet Valu and was studying cognitive behavioral therapy in my spare time. I had plenty of friends who I went out with on the weekends when my daughter was with her grandparents. I leaned into community social services programs and family members to help feed, clothe and shelter my daughter and me — but what single mom wouldn’t if given the option?
Two years ago my life was merely an existence, one that I held onto mostly for my daughter’s sake. But I was barely hanging on. When Covid hit my daughter and I were in the midst of uprooting our lives in Canada so that we could finally be with my fiancé in the States. The pandemic brought that process to an abrupt halt. My world came crashing down with the news that our immigration was at an indefinite standstill. I felt a lot of eyes on me, counting on me to keep all the balls in the air, and from the outside, that’s exactly what I did.
But, you should never judge a book by its cover. Below the surface, I was a molten pit of pent-up emotions just waiting to boil over. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I drowned myself in alcohol. I’m still not sure of the logic behind my thinking at the time, I just remember recognizing that alcohol numbed any uncomfortable feelings. It was the simple solution to a much bigger problem of avoidance.
Looking back, my struggles might have been obvious to my loved ones much sooner, were it not for the fact that they lived on the other side of the country. But, the summer before I quit the cracks were starting to show in my carefully choreographed façade; disagreements with neighbors, increasing blackouts, drunk messages, and calls, broken promises, borrowed money, too many sick days etc. But the second anyone tried to voice their concern I cut them off, no questions asked. I wasn’t ready to listen to my own inner whispers, let alone someone else’s voice.
By the time school started that year I had stumbled across a sobriety support community called The Luckiest Club. I started attending their zoom meetings with my camera off, listening to stories that were just like mine. The irony was that I would usually have a drink in my hand during the meeting. This continued for several weeks and I would manage to get two or three dry days before falling back into old habits. It occurred to me that without turning my camera on and making my presence known I would never form the connections I so desperately longed for.
Turning my camera on and using my voice to share my story was the pivotal moment in my fledgling sobriety journey.
Everything changed when I made the decision to step into the light. I was welcomed with open arms, and so many people offered me their contact info for support. As uncomfortable as it felt, I forced myself to reach out. I started asking questions and getting curious about sobriety. I wanted to know if a sober life was possible for me. Spoiler alert: it’s possible for anyone!
The willingness to get curious and step out of your comfort zone is all it takes to start examining your relationship with alcohol. A lot of people get hung up on the word alcoholic and all the stigma that comes along with it. Sadly, this stigma stops many people from getting the help that they need in time. I did try AA during this whole process, but I wasn’t able to find a group that clicked for me. I also had significant doubts about certain aspects of their belief system. AA wasn’t a good fit for me, but I respect all paths to recovery. Find what works for you and embrace your healing journey!
I’m grateful that I discovered TLC (The Luckiest Club) because finding community and connection is the missing piece for so many of us who struggle with substance abuse. Turning my camera on in a lunchtime meeting allowed me to show up vulnerably. The veneer of my life was finally able to crumble and make room for a new purpose —discovering who I was underneath it all.
I would love to say that the day I turned my camera on was the day I took my last drink, but it wasn’t. But in many ways, it was more important. It set in motion a chain of events that culminated in one final night of solitary drinking on Halloween 2020. Nothing bad happened, I didn’t end up in jail or get a DUI, I didn’t ruin a friendship or end up in the hospital. I had simply had enough of living a dual life.
I was ready to live a fully embodied life!
I really enjoyed this writing prompt, it got me thinking about the many pivotal moments that make up our daily lives. It’s often only in hindsight that we can recognize the importance of any one particular moment. I definitely recommend giving this prompt a go! You can do that here.
Thanks for reading!
You can find out more about me on my website and on Instagram (where I share a lot of my sobriety stories, motivation, and inspiration).
xo Kezia 💗
