Oh, the Joys of Motherhood and other Nonsense
A piece of advice to a younger mother 15 years ago — myself.
I am writing this now because it is still fresh in my memory. I may not feel the urge or motivation to write this account tomorrow or the day after.
It is interesting how, over time, certain things that move us to great emotion will wither and die after a day or a few hours. Writing is like an art; when inspiration strikes, it is essential to sit down and jot down a few thoughts, just like when an artist comes across a moment that must be captured.
Today was one of those days that made me want to sit down and jot down this epiphany of a moment that somehow feels like a full circle in my journey of motherhood.
Today, my youngest, who is four, decided to have a complete, full-blown meltdown at school pick-up time. This is unusual for her as she usually is happy and cheerful, and the most delightful thing as she runs to me.
So much so that I almost feel sorry for the rest of the parents, who usually are greeted by tired, sleep-deprived children who are cranky and not very expressive. Not mine; she is full of energy and joy when she sees her mama.
Except today.
She seemed okay as she walked towards me, but not her usual running to hug, and then she insisted that I put the bracelets she made in school in her pocket immediately.
I tried to tell her I could hold them and we could do it when we got into the car, but she did not have any of it. To make a long story short, what proceeded was an explosion of tears, crying, screaming, and, at one point, lying on the road, refusing to get up.
At any other time in my life as a mother, I would have been mortified, and on more than one occasion, I could see other parents actually mortified for me. Indeed, it was becoming an almost impossible situation to try to get her to the car. A few mothers smiled knowingly, and a few laughed while I just smiled back.
Here’s the thing: this is my third child and I have been doing this for a while now, around 16 years. At any other moment in my journey as a mother, I would genuinely have been embarrassed, devastated, and probably contemplating what other parents must think of me after witnessing this event.
But I felt none of that today.
Instead, I felt almost like a seasoned warrior who had been through many battles and still had come out in one piece. I made it to the car, we had a stern talk, and then there were more tears and an apology. She realized what she had done, a small victory for me. Small, because I know this won’t be the last meltdown.
But the enormous victory was the way I felt after the event. I remember 15 years ago when my 16-year-old had a similar meltdown at the mall. How ashamed and embarrassed I felt for days afterward. How I questioned my parenting skills or whether I was cut out for this job. How I vowed never to be that mother who had a child who could not control themselves in public.
What I wish I could have told myself then, a young mother with her first child. As time passes, it gets to a point where you realize every parent goes through this, and it is in no way a reflection of you as a parent or even your child’s personality. Overstimulation, hunger, lack of nap time, and a zillion other reasons can suddenly trigger these episodes.
And as I cherish the toddler years I have left with what will probably be my last child, I suddenly feel this overwhelming melancholy. I may miss this part. Specifically, that feeling you get when you see the expression change on your child’s face after a ‘talk’; they lower their voice, change their tone, and realize they did something wrong. The hugs and cuddles that follow are like no other.
You learn as a parent; you just took one crucial step in molding your child into a better, more empathetic human being.
And so, in my letter to myself and to all the other young mothers out there, this: Don’t fret about the tantrums, the screaming, the crying, and the timeouts. Take solace that soon, this time will be gone, and you will no longer be able to teach the lesson and explain life’s wisdom.
Soon, they will grow up and leave your arms, hopefully with more empathy, love, wisdom, and kindness because you took the time to teach the lesson instead of feeling shame, anger, or embarrassment.
What’s that saying again: the days are long, but the years are so short. Yes, I finally get it.
I now know this is all part of a bigger trip where you are just along for the ride. Enjoy it while it lasts.
