Parenting as an Introvert
Finding inner peace with my need for alone time
I’ve always wondered if being an introvert makes parenting harder for some parents because alone time is so essential for refilling their energetic tanks.
This was one of the things I found most challenging when I became a parent. Suddenly I was never alone.
I Had So Many Inner Conflicts
I savored rare moments I could steal away to be by myself, often doing nothing more than sitting on a beach gazing out at the water or walking mindlessly through the forest.
At the same time, I often felt inner conflict because I loved being a Mom and was reluctant to miss any of the experience, so I often didn’t carve out as much alone time as my inner introvert would have liked. Rather, I gave in to the strong pull to spend time with my child. I have no regrets even though I know it wore me down at times.
But truthfully, one of the biggest obstacles to my taking time alone was feeling guilty about how much I wanted to be alone. I felt as if I was betraying my love for my kids and how much I truly delight in their presence and who they are, so I resisted fully letting in the joy of aloneness. My alone time was often overshadowed by guilt, even though part of me knew it was self-care.
I’m now at the other end of my childrearing days. My stepson has long since moved out and my younger son, while still living at home, has graduated and is working. He’s here a lot less.
I was home alone last evening and was surprised to notice that I still have those mixed feelings. I was luxuriating in the silence being alone with my thoughts and feelings, and the decadence of doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted. I created a delicious dinner for myself, and ate when my body felt hungry instead of organizing myself around others.
And at the same time, my younger son’s face popped into my mind periodically during the evening, and I felt a little grief. I could feel an empty space in my heart that’s fuller when I feel the energy of his presence at home.
Finding My Peace
I’ve come to realize that I may always hold both feelings in my heart–-the inner peace and relief of having time to myself, and the grief and emptiness when my kids are gone. And they don’t have to be in conflict.
It reminded me of this quote from Martin Prechtel, Grief is praise, because it is the natural way love honors what it misses.
Feeling my grief and the emptiness in my heart at the same time that I’m feeling the joy of my aloneness feels more authentic. I’m not pushing the feelings away in the same way that I used to try to push the guilt away.
Guilt feels like I “should” be doing something different, and I want to push it away because I feel as if I’m not measuring up.
When I feel grief, I can feel the ache of separation from my child in my body and my heart centre. But I can honour it and allow it to stay with me until it’s complete knowing that this is love. I can welcome the grief and still feel joy–they co-exist in me.
It feels more authentic, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Introvert parents, what comes up for you as you try to balance getting enough alone time with savouring your kids’ presence? ❤️
