THIS HAPPENED TO ME
My Complicated Experience with Racial Fetishization as an Asian Woman in America
The concerns are valid but don’t assume I’m powerless
Let me start this by hitting it right off the bat: I’ve had my fair share of experiences dating American men who have fetishized me or made racially insensitive comments. Their words have left me feeling deeply disrespected.
However, some people take legitimate concerns of racism too far in assuming that I must necessarily be at a power disadvantage in interracial relationships with white men. To imply that I can’t stand up for myself or choose empathetic partners of any race is itself problematic.
I appreciate the care behind these arguments, but I do wish to push back against views that rob marginalized groups of agency or autonomy.
Stereotyping and Exoticism Are Real
Racial fetishes and the hypersexualization of Asian women are grounded in a long history of colonization, stereotyping, and the othering of minorities. Stereotypes of the submissive “lotus blossom” or the feisty “tiger wife” still permeate some white male attitudes.
I have personally received many cringeworthy and objectifying comments that reduce me to a sexual trope or kink. There is no doubt that these encounters are dehumanizing, racist, and sexist.
But Don’t Diminish My Power of Choice
However, to suggest that I cannot find a genuine connection in interracial relationships is misguided. I am capable of choosing sensitive and empathetic partners. The qualities I look for in a partner — respect, compassion, reciprocity — transcend color.
If a partner said something disrespectful, I would call them out and express how those words impacted me. A caring partner will openly receive this feedback and modify their behavior accordingly. Rather than make assumptions, I handle issues on a case-by-case basis. Some relationships may reflect power imbalances, but these can be addressed by speaking up when a line has been crossed.
See Me as the Driver, Not the Passenger Princess
While arguments about racial fetishization often come from good intentions, they frequently reflect a paternalistic view that makes minorities out as passive objects. Though rooted in truth, these claims also risk perpetuating stereotypes when they portray people of color as always disadvantaged or helpless.
As an Asian woman, I am the subject of my own relationships, not an object. I hope we can move beyond over-generalized tropes about racial dynamics and recognize that each of our experiences is diverse and complex.
At the end of the day, you can analyze my relationships through whatever theoretical lens you like, but you’re not in them. I am. Trust me when I say that I’ve got this.
My experiences are my own, and not just some footnote in a paper on racial dynamics and fetishization. Save me the concerned glances when I’m with my white boyfriend — I picked him for a reason, and not because of some stereotype of what I think I deserve.
Don’t pity me or make assumptions about how he sees me. We’re just two people learning and growing together, stumbling through cultural gaps, calling each other out when needed, but eventually meeting each other on even ground.
My relationship doesn’t need your label or approval. Though you may mean well, I don’t need your “help.” What I need is your faith that I can handle myself and choose partners who respect me for who I am.
If you tell me one more time that he’s only with me because I’m Asian, I just may have to prove you wrong. But that’s my business — so mind your own.
All love,
Marie
