Reasons Mom-Shaming Is Evil And How I Challenge It
Why do we mom shame when we know it’s toxic?
If you are a mom chances are high that you have been a victim of mom-shaming more than once in your child-rearing life. Chances are also high that you have been frozen to the spot by the criticism like a deer caught in headlights. I know because I have been mom-shamed. Don’t beat yourself up for not reacting. The invasion into your life caught you off guard and made you doubt yourself, if only for a moment.
In my three years of being a mom, I have been judged and criticized by relations, neighbors, and acquaintances with or without children. Here is my story revolving around the (only two) instances I said: “fuck off”.
It is loathsome to be at the receiving end of mom-shaming.
I believe most moms can relate to my perspective.
I became a parent at 40. Before that, I lived mostly for myself, had dreams, shopped, traveled, and fell in love. Then my baby was born. Of course, I love him and chose to have him. But my choice to bear a child does not make parenting any easier for me. Babies don’t come with a manual so I am trying to figure things out just like all of us are. I have chosen to take a career backseat which means I will be far behind my peers when I do resume. I have gained weight but have no time to hit the gym. Neither do I have any time to play dress-up. I have little space for friends and social engagements. Often, I have to steal time to read a book. Hell, I have to steal time to write.
Do I have to deal with mom-shaming in addition to all that I deal with as a mother and as a human?
This is why I said “fuck off” to a mom shamer once.
I run in the mornings every day and that’s my me-time. I would meet a co-runner for breakfast occasionally. On one such sunny day, we were talking about how the mornings have become hot and the nights hotter still. I mentioned that I run the air conditioning all night to help my son sleep well. My co-runner threw me off guard with her reply. She told me I was raising a pampered child. From where she sat, I was spoiling my son and he was going to grow up to be an entitled adult. Where did she get her perspective from? She had read a few books on parenting. Did she have experience parenting? No, she is childless.
Her words pained me because I have a history of sleep disorders.
My mother suffers from a mental health illness. When I was a child, she would scream at me to wake me up. If I slept in, I would be reminded throughout the day that I was a lazy slob. Lack of sleep slowly seeped into my lifestyle and took the form of a trauma I bear silently but take care not to pass on to my son. I live in a tropical country so I temperature control my son’s room to make it comfortable for him. I choose to send him a tad late to school over waking him by force. On holidays he is allowed to sleep in.
Can you imagine the wounds she touched when she casually flung her words at me? I felt like her flippant comments were kicking in the ass years of my sleep-related suffering.
I allowed her to peek into a window of my life but she judged my life without getting a 360-degree view of the room.
She was not witness to my grief for the childhood I never had. She was not present at my therapist visits. She cannot imagine my fears of unknowingly inflicting my mother’s wounds on my son. She will never understand the depths of my hope that my child fares better than I ever did.
After the episode, I told her we couldn’t mingle anymore.
It is worse when other moms do the shaming.
The shamer could be just anyone. A holier-than-thou relative, a vindictive in-law, a random Joe online, or parents, like in my case.
My mother has a borderline personality so has never been in my corner. When I was a child she would find fault with every aspect of my life: my clothes, my performance in school, how I looked, how I wore my hair, and my friends. Now since I am an adult with a child of my own, she shames my parenting skills. She holds my parenting alone responsible for anything my son might go through.
It is devastating when your mother does the shaming.
Mom-shaming is a trap.
There is other stuff going on in someone’s life when they resort to shaming.
The mom shamers may be insecure about their parenting skills so they compete with other moms and shame them.
Some are proud of being the more experienced mother and feel they have earned the right to tell others what to do.
There are those mom shamers who don’t have kids but like to make flippant remarks about those who do. For them, it’s an us vs them battle.
Some childless-by-choice mom shamers do this because they have yet to own their choice to not have kids.
Other people may simply mom shame because they don’t like you.
If you have ever deliberately or unknowingly judged a mother, stop to think.
If you are childless, you don’t want to be judged for your dating choices, your career decisions, or your choice to not have kids. If you have kids, you don’t want others to judge you for having kids when you were too young or too old or for making your children your priority. You are unique and so is your situation. Nobody can shame you unless they have walked a mile in your shoes. You are an adult who will get it together at some point and figure your life out.
The ones you shame don’t want to be judged for their decisions either. They can figure it out as well as you.
The prime reason I have started to say “fuck off” to those who indulge in mom-shaming.
My child is the worst affected by it. When others shame me, I start to doubt myself. My child picks up on my insecurity.
And we need to choose our children over everyone every time.
Let me give you another instance of how I chose to say fuck off.
Weeks earlier, my child had a tantrum episode when we were stepping out. My neighbor who has a small child herself stood with her door open to watch. To add to the insult, she started to tell me I had to “slap him tight till he stops”. I replied that my son crying was not a spectacle and he was not asking to be abused. He was asking for love.
My crying son will understand over time that his mom was in his corner when he needed to feel loved. And that’s all that matters.
Life is hard. It is harder being a mom in addition to carrying the burdens that we all carry. Choose kindness over assuming and shaming. You will make a grateful mom friend for life.
I am a freelance copywriter who writes blogs that increase business sales. I like to work with businesses that consider kindness a virtue & want to make the world a better place with their product/ service. You can talk to me on LinkedIn to learn more.
