Scared of Love
When love is too much to bear
You said you were going to do anything for me. Anything at all.
One might say that you were just talking. Saying words that meant nothing. But I knew you were not that type. Definitely not.
My first thought was that you were too keen to keep me in your life. I mean, yes, we are often prepared to do certain things for our loved ones, but anything at all? That’s just taking a romantic story a bit too far. I didn’t like that. I don’t like people jumping around me trying to please me. People pleasing kills off love.
You smiled and looked at me. You clearly saw that I wasn’t getting it. You were waiting for my ‘aha’ moment.
I thought you might be trying to impress me. A showoff, I thought. You can’t impress me by promising things that are out of your control, I thought. No one can give another person everything they want. Life doesn’t work that way.
You smiled and said that whatever I wanted, I had to just ask, and I’d get it.
Being the practical and down-to-earth person that I am, I tried to clarify things. ‘Are you saying you will do or buy certain things for me?’ Is this a bribe or what, I thought. He must have done something and is now trying to make up for it.
You sighed.
That got me slightly worried. I might be overlooking something here. Perhaps you were saying that I had a big gap in my life or was heading in the wrong direction and didn’t quite realize that. This happens to arrogant stubborn people like me. The idea of lost perspective and my life spiraling out of control was more alarming than the thought of you doing something nasty behind my back.
Smiling gently, you patiently explained that practical things mattered, of course. But you meant more than that. ‘Tell me who you’d like me to be for you. And I’ll be that person’, you said.
You were offering me any type of romantic love I wanted, any relationship dynamic I preferred, any love game I was keen to play. You were saying that — with you around — I could be anyone I wanted; you’d play along.
I knew you weren’t the type of a person who was willing to change for other people. I sensed that something was approaching fast — something that I wouldn’t be able to face.
Any type of drama I wanted to outplay in my life, you were there to play along. Did I want a stormy relationship? Did I want a gentle lover? Did I want to get romantic or passionate? Did I want to share things with you or keep my distance? Did I want kids or no kids?
You were prepared to play along, no matter what I wanted in a relationship.
You were prepared to explore the hidden corridors of my mind and heart and help me outplay the life scenarios I was craving for. I suspect you already knew and sensed many of my desires and fears. But you wanted to know more.
Who knows, perhaps you were prepared to let me into your own mind and heart?
That was a bit too much for me. An offer that is too generous, too forward, too sincere, too much for my comfort. Too much of everything. I was right to sense that I wouldn’t be able to face it.
I didn’t know what to say. I was scared. Yes, I fear other people’s strong feelings and when they get too close. What am I supposed to do with all that?
When I’m scared and don’t know what to say I immediately withdraw and shut down. I wasn’t prepared to take your generous offer. I shut down the conversation.
But that was Okay with you, because my reactions didn’t matter too much. You knew me too well. Your resilience, strong character, wisdom and balance helped you cope with so many things I put you through. Unlike me, you don’t run away from feelings. You can handle them and yes, your ability to let other people in just shows that you’re emotionally more mature than me.
No, I didn’t take your offer. I pretended that our conversation never happened.
But thinking back, I realized that your generosity made me more balanced and less keen to crave more and more drama in my life.
I realized that not all generous offers should be taken and used to the full. Life and love are fragile and it’s sometimes wiser to keep dramas away from the people we love. Even if they are prepared to do anything for us.
Or perhaps I was scared that you’d see all the dark places in my heart and your love would fade away.
You smiled and gently said, ‘You’re a little coward’.
Indeed, I am a coward in love.
