Should Nonbinary or Genderqueer People Be Allowed to Identify as Lesbian?
As someone who identifies as all three (nonbinary, genderqueer, and lesbian), there is an obvious slant to my view. I am choosing not to dive into trans women identifying as lesbian because, as I am not a trans woman, I am uncomfortable speaking on their behalf.
I hope to both explain myself and open up space for those who are not on the same page, using my perspective to spark discussion rather than draw more lines. Hear me out and ask questions. :)
Brief Gender Education
Personally, I self-identify as both nonbinary and genderqueer. According to the LGBT Foundation:
Non-binary people feel their gender identity cannot be defined within the margins of gender binary. Instead, they understand their gender in a way that goes beyond simply identifying as either a man or woman.
Genderqueer is more of an umbrella term and can include nonbinary people, as well as agender, pangender, genderfluid, etc. According to WebMD, it is defined as “someone who does not follow binary gender norms.” Genderqueer people tend to express their gender in ways that differ from the norm.
I began identifying as genderqueer and nonbinary in December 2022, partly in reaction to the strict gender schemas of the German Baptist church, which have grated on me since I was little. I deeply understand the need for humans to categorize and label (by breaking away from the categories of man and woman, I embraced the labels of queer and nonbinary), but I believe the binary has done more harm than good — in my life. I do not speak for everyone, but for me specifically, being forced to be as feminine as possible (e.g. wearing only skirts and dresses, having to engage in traditionally feminine activities like cooking and sewing, and being discouraged from leadership roles) has been rough and has prevented me from fully understanding who I am as a person, not just a woman.
I reject the idea, for example, that men are assertive and women are gentle. Some men are assertive, and some women are gentle. Better put, some people tend to exhibit patterns of more assertive behaviors, and some people tend to exhibit patterns of gentler behaviors. Similarly, some people enjoy cooking more than others.
A Snapshot of the Psychology Behind Gender
It is impossible to know for certain how children develop self-perceptions of gender for obvious reasons. However, some theories have been put out there:
- Developmental Intergroup Theory: adults paying so much attention to gender schemas causes children to think of gender as a way to gather key information about themselves and others, notice possible gender differences, and form gender stereotypes
- Gender Schema Theory: children actively sort others’ behavior, qualities, and activities into categories/schemas
- Social Learning Theory: children learn their gender roles through reinforcement, punishment, and modeling
Children are children, and while there are biological differences between males, females, and intersex people, sewing is not in women’s DNA. Sewing is a learned skill, and more people assigned female at birth tend to learn to sew… because of culture’s schemas.
All That To Say
I self-identify as genderqueer and nonbinary not because I am so different than anyone else or because I am androgynous. Rather, I choose to identify as such in order to make a conscious effort to not limit myself based on traditional gender roles.
I have nothing against cisgender people, nor do I think everyone needs to be genderqueer… just as not everybody needs to be lesbian or pansexual.
I will say this though: I think everyone was born nonbinary mentally, and as we grow, we learn to express ourselves in order to fit in with our assigned or perceived sex, resulting in most people fitting somewhat well into the binary genders.
To be clear, my sexuality was not a choice: I did not choose to be gay. That would have been crazy, especially because of the gay conversion therapy I was forced through. Being gay was honestly the worse option in my life, as far as having an easy road goes. However, my gender, for me specifically, was a choice. I chose how I wanted to self-identify, and I choose how I want to express that. This may be different for other nonbinary people, and especially for trans people. Again, I do not speak for them.
Why I Still Identify as Lesbian
I have consciously identified as lesbian since, roughly, July 2021. I think. Mental timelines are hard! I started conversion therapy November 2021 because I came out to my parents a month or so before that. But that’s another story…
My gender did not change just because I began to identify with the nonbinary and genderqueer communities in December 2022. It was merely a way to label what I had already been feeling for years. Likewise, when I began identifying as lesbian, it was not because of some new surge of attraction, but rather, finally recognizing what had been there, in various forms, for much longer.
Initially, when I first came out to myself and a few close school friends as nonbinary, I wondered if I should switch from identifying as lesbian to pansexual. I even tried it for a couple of months. However, it didn’t feel great because I am not attracted equally to all genders, only those who identify as more feminine or nonbinary.
I understand some lesbians may not appreciate me using that title, and that is valid. However, while labels can be helpful, I think ultimately, we’re attracted to our significant other(s) based on them specifically, you know? I’ve sometimes joked I’m *mygirlfriend’sname*sexual because I can’t imagine wanting to date anyone else. (She identifies as panromantic because she is equally attracted, romantically, to any and all genders.)
Additionally, who are the gatekeepers of the lesbian identity anyway? Labels are only as useful as we make them. I understand the perspective that if we are “too” inclusive, “lesbian” will mean nothing. And so I’m with those people, to an extent. A label must retain some meaning in order to be helpful.
Because of my current situation, I still show up as a woman outwardly, despite identifying as nonbinary. Perhaps a better definition of lesbians (rather than women who love women) would be more feminine people attracted to other more feminine people. Yes, there are masculine lesbians, but I like that definition better than non-men liking non-men because that puts my attraction in terms of men, which isn’t ideal, in my opinion. I don’t know; this stuff is hard. I’d welcome thoughts in the comments.
What I do know is this: I’m ever so ready for the day when we don’t need labels (I know, I know, humans are obsessed with them so we’ll always use them) because people are free to be attracted to other people on the basis of that person’s qualities (e.g. personality, intelligence, passions, hobbies, shared interests).
