“Stop Arguing” — A Big Mistake Parents Make Raising Kids?
In A World Full Of Conflict, Resolution Must Start At Home
My parents were great, but they had a significant flaw in their parenting strategy.
My parents had a ‘No Arguing’ rule. They invoked it arbitrarily whenever the volume or nature of what my brother, sister, and I were saying was getting on their nerves.
“No arguing,” they would say, “Go to your rooms!”
The No-Arguing Rule
Usually, when banished to our rooms for arguing, we were already irritated and upset. Getting sent to our rooms did not make us feel better. It did not help us to understand our sibling’s point of view.
I can clearly remember the raw outrage I felt at not even being permitted the chance to tell my side of the story. The Constitution guaranteed freedom of speech, but my parents’ rules in the 1960s and 70s did not.
One result of my parents’ No-Arguing Rule was kids, now adults, who sucked at conflict resolution.
Conflict Resolution, What’s That?
I was like a deer in headlights during my first ten years of marriage. My husband Shaun has a temper. I would have liked someone to have sent him to his room and out of my earshot, but they didn’t.
He would launch into a rant about some household problem, and I just stood there dumbfounded. Of the fight, flight or freeze responses, I usually fly or freeze. On the occasions when I did argue my case, I was ill-prepared and often incoherent.
My previous very-limited arguing experience was along the lines of, “Yeah, well, I’m rubber, and you’re glue. Everything you say bounces off me and sticks on you!”
or
“Takes one to know one!”
My parents produced pretty good kids who grew into pretty good adults. But we were deficient in conflict resolution skills.
Another problem with the No-Arguing Rule was the idea that arguing or even speaking a strong opinion was bad.
Where would the world be without people who argue or protest real injustices?
A Healthier Approach to Arguing
Kids argue. You can leave them alone or referee. If you choose to intervene and send them to their rooms, don’t do it because they are arguing, but because of how they are arguing.
Maybe your kids need time to think about the other’s point of view or cool off. Perhaps they need to stop name calling, hair pulling, or swinging fists. In that case, send them to the room and tell them to think about a better way to express their opinions.
You can be an intermediary and try to teach them about resolving differences with loved ones. Their future spouses will thank you.
Or you can let them try to figure it out on their own.
But please, whatever you do, don’t invoke a No-Arguing Rule!
Thanks,
Jan
