Teaching Kids to Say No and Set Boundaries
It is important for kids to have a strong sense of self and set boundaries.
Back in the 80’s, we used to tell people to “talk to the hand” when we were done putting up with what they were saying to us.
Not the nicest possible way to tell people to stop saying something inappropriate, but it was effective for us as elementary schoolers with our peers.
We also grew up with the “Just say No” to drugs program in schools, that was supposed to teach us how to stand up to peer pressure. Saying “No” is an effective strategy, if we can stand behind our No and refuse to back down.
Saying No to Adults
As hard as it is to say no to a peer and risk being a social outcast, for kids it can be even harder to say no to an authority figure. In our American society, we teach kids from a young age that adults are to be obeyed without question. For generations, it has been ingrained in us to be obedient and compliant, and that those qualities are our highest good.
Most of the time, listening to authority figures like parents and teachers is a good thing, because they tend to have a child’s best interests at heart. Parents tell kids to eat their vegetables, brush their teeth, and go to bed on time. Teachers tell kids how to do their math facts, spelling, and many other important lessons.
But parents and teachers aren’t infallible.
Sometimes we tell kids to do things because we are stressed out. Sometimes we teach them things we believe to be fact, but end up to be wrong. Remember before Magellan we taught everyone that the world was flat? Remember when we thought the sun revolved around the Earth? Remember when we thought that being gay was a pathology?
Extreme examples I know, but over the course of human history there have been many times when the “Accepted wisdom of the time” has turned out to be badly wrong.
When we teach our kids to be blindly compliant, and to do what we want because they are afraid of authority, we are selling them short.
Kids have to know that sometimes Moms, Dads and Teachers are going to be wrong. We need to be equally willing to hear a correction from our kids, as they are to hear a correction from us. This means creating openness in relationships, and realizing that kids have knowledge for us too.
It’s scary to say “No” to an authority figure, but we need to be able to empower our kids to do that.
Other Reasons Kids Need to Say No.
There are other reasons we need to teach kids to say no, other than being wrong. Sometimes, kids will need to say no to authority figures because they are actually dangerous. Remember “stranger danger” that we all learned growing up? It isn’t always strangers that are dangerous.
I don’t want to be all doom and gloom, but there are bad people out there.
According to the Center for Family justice, “A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds; (American Society for the Positive Care of Children)
- 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually assaulted by the time they reach 18; (Department of Justice)
- More than 4 children die each day because of child abuse; (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)
- More than 90 percent of child sexual abuse victims know their attacker; (“Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement” by Howard Snyder)
- Approximately 70 percent of children that die from abuse are under the age of 4; (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)
- About 30 percent of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the cycle of violence; (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)”
Some of those statistics are really horrifying. The thing is, as parents, we need to be able to teach kids that it is OK to say no to adults so that they don’t become one one of these statistics. We also need to teach them that it is safe to talk to us if something bad happens.
Remember all those men coming forward decades later about being abused by Catholic Priests? Many kids don’t come forward right away because of fear of their attacker, out of shame, or because they think they won’t be believed above an adult.
How do we teach our kids that it’s OK to say no?
Whether it is a kiss on the mouth from creepy uncle Joe, or a spelling mistake on a test at school, we need to let our kids know that it is ok to speak up.
Speaking up for yourself can be scary as a kid, so it is our job as parents to give our kids space and freedom to come to us if something is bothering them about a situation. There are times when they will want to set boundaries with other adults that we think are ‘harmless’ or when the answer key to a standardized test may have a mistake.
When our kids tell us that something is bothering them, it is important to listen, instead of brushing it off as unimportant. It is important to listen attentively, ask clarifying questions without any judgement, and be sure to let our kids know that they are being taken seriously.
Any time a child comes to us to tell us something, if we start off by being completely open to what they are saying, it helps to keep the door open to dialogue in the future. We can use the Non-Violent Communication Style, or Transformational Listening, or any other method, as long as we are sure to be attentive and give your full attention.
If your child comes to tell you something that is important to them, it is important to put aside anything that we are doing and listen by being completely present with them. When a child sees our openness to listen, it creates a trust, and allows them to be more open and honest with what they will tell us.
Even if we disagree, opening the door to have a dialogue is a way to help kids feel safe with us. Allowing them to feel safe, and to have a parent with a listening ear, will help them later in life to be able to say no to big bullies.
How have you taught your kids the value of saying no and setting boundaries? Let me know in the comments!
