That One Quality You Need For Friendships
No, it’s not empathy
I’ve never thought of myself as a friendly person. As a kid, I was told that I needed to be less direct and more subtle. This continued into my teenage. Now, I also had to be coy, tender, and sweet if I needed boyfriends.
I couldn’t care less.
But as I hit adulthood, something snapped and I unearthed a quality I never thought I could have — people-pleasing.
I was a people-pleaser
Although not in the sniveling, flatter-to-deceive kind of way, I became a people-pleaser because I wanted people to not think badly of me. Their opinions suddenly seemed to matter so much.
I’d spend hours talking to my college girlfriends on the phone. I’d listen to their sob stories and I’d give them advice. Practical tips on how to be more confident, determined, focused, dump their toxic boyfriends, gun for bigger dreams, and so on. It was a different matter that I had none of these qualities myself.
By the time I was in college, I had become someone else because I got so busy trying to be likable and popular.
I made a new ‘friend’
Cut to about a few months ago. I made a friend in my community (I live in a gated community). To give you some context, I was new to the city and the only friends I had were my husband’s friends. I figured I’d have to make friends of my own.
It all began on my evening walks. I’d seen that she walked with different groups of people every day and they all would seem very interested in what she would have to say.
She had her own personal branding going. She was fairly new, seemed to know everyone, and was always a part of the community gatherings.
My interest piqued. The people-pleaser in me decided that the best way to make more friends was by befriending this woman.
But, it didn't last
I started to go on my evening walk with her. But, I had NOTHING in common with her. So, I would find myself struggling to have regular conversations with her.
As I started to get to know her better, I realized that I couldn’t deepen my friendship with her. We had no common interests, she barely listened and had a very different background.
And quite expectedly, it fizzled out. But while it did, it taught me a couple of things.
Just be yourself
- If you can’t be genuine with someone, you can’t be friends with them.
- Don’t be a people-pleaser. Your best efforts to be liked can go in vain. Be yourself, be gracious, be kind. But nothing more.
So, don’t be in a rush to make friends. It’s okay to have just one or two. Anyway, that’s how many you’ll be left with by the time you’re in your thirties.
It’s not worth your time to try to create the perfect friendships. They will not last.
