The Beautiful Irony About People Pleasing
Why people pleasing leads to more disconnection & what we can do instead
It’s another late night where my husband and I are both exhausted from the mini-marathon of dinner time, bath time and bedtime with our two year old and five year old. It’s dark outside. It’s snowing. It’s cold. And the dog needs to go out.
My husband takes her out at least eighty-five percent of the time at night, and I often have this nagging guilty feeling that I should take her out more. Sometimes that feeling wins or he looks particularly tired, and I do take her out; but more often than not, he takes her and there’s a semi-conscious thought that arises in my mind that says, “I should have done that.”
However, the other night as he was out in the cold and I was in the warmth of our kitchen something became clear: this guilt is coming from a place within me that feels like I need to prove my worthiness.
A more conscious version of the thought train would sound something like this:
“My husband is taking the dog out. I should take her out more to make sure that I’m equally contributing to our household tasks. I must always contribute to be worthy. My worthiness is connected to what I do. What I do is directly related to how much I will be loved by others.”
I realize there’s lots of flawed thinking in there, but the funny thing is, it’s really difficult to see the mental distortions we carry when feelings and thoughts linger in the background of life.
When I’m operating from this place of unworthiness and my husband returns to the house, I typically mumble something like, “Thanks for taking her out. I am so tired,” or “Thanks for taking her. I’ll take her tomorrow.” My guilt and unworthiness seeps into my words. My thanks is really wrapped up in excuses to protect my worthiness (i.e., “I’m tired” or “I’ll take her tomorrow”) rather than genuine gratitude for what he did.
The other night was different, though. When he returned to the house, instead of doing the mumble of half-hearted thanks, I looked fully at him and with loving sincerity said, “Thank you so much for taking her out. I really appreciate it.” I could see his face light up in being truly seen for his contribution, and there was immediately more connection between the two of us.
It made me reflect on all the ways feelings of unworthiness sneak into relationships (whether it be with a partner, our kids, our own parents, in-laws, etc.) and how they drive disconnection — the very opposite of what we are seeking with others. If we are always focused on what we should have done to help, contribute, or serve others more, we can’t clearly see the other person or their loving contributions to the relationship. We also can’t genuinely do something for someone else if we’re attached to the outcome of how it —or really, we — will be perceived.
In some relationships, it starts to become a tennis match of who can prove their worthiness by doing more for the other person. As a people pleaser, this particularly tends to happen to me when I’m in relationship with other people pleasers. We get so unconsciously wrapped up in proving our own worthiness that we get lost in a match of trying to one up one another. While the motivation appears to be out of kindness and love for the other, it drives disconnection because we’re always doing for and rarely being with the other person.
And if we happen to be on the losing end of the game for a period of time, then our guilt interferes with our ability to deeply see and appreciate the acts of kindness done for us by the other person. In wanting to prove our worth and the resulting feeling of guilt when we don’t, we miss the opportunity for true connection and the ability to feel pure love for and gratitude for another human being. This can happen at home, in friendships, at work and anywhere else unworthiness travels with us.
The beautiful irony, like all the wonderful paradoxes of life, is that to really see someone in their wholeness and completeness is the highest service to humanity. It’s not in the constant doing, but in seeing and being with another where deep, lasting connection is made.
About me: Mom of two, wife, writer and podcast co-host who is fascinated by the intersection of parenting and spirituality — one seeker exploring the wild experience of being a parent and being human. For more reflections on parenting and spirituality, follow me on Medium and subscribe to my free newsletter: aparentspurpose.substack.com.
© Caitlin Frauton. All rights reserved.
