The Complex Realities Faced by Mothers of Sons
Exploring The Psychological Challenges Faced By Mothers Who Have Sons In Asian culture
Motherhood is a journey filled with difficulties, and in Asian cultures, it comes with a unique bunch of challenges. There’s a common mindset revolving around the society that a family is only complete with both a son and a daughter. Despite advances in thinking, this belief still exists, particularly favoring the idea that having a son is important for family fulfilment. This article dives into the psychological challenges that mothers of sons often face in these cultures, shedding light on societal pressures and expectations that make their experiences different from mothers of daughters.
Family Completion and Cultural Expectations
When couples are first time expecting their first child, they seek divine blessings for offspring, the prayer is often for a child, be it a son or a daughter. Yet, when the child arrives, whether it’s a boy or a girl, the desire often arises that if it’s a daughter, the next time it should be a son so that the family is complete. Conversely, if it’s a son, there might be a wish for a daughter. However, this is just our way of thinking. If Allah has blessed us with a child, it means the family is complete. Instead of praying for a son or a daughter, it’s better to wish for Allah to bless them with a good and healthy child, regardless of gender.
Religious Teachings vs. Cultural Expectations
Despite cultural biases, religious teachings often contradict these norms. Reference to Prophet Muhammad S.A.W’s teachings, emphasizing the blessing of having daughters, highlights the tension between cultural expectations and religious beliefs, questioning why society sometimes speaks negatively about having daughters.
Prophet Muhammad ﷺ termed daughters as a blessing of Allah SWT. A family that has daughters is truly blessed and a happy place. The question is why society always asks for sons instead of daughters. Is it necessary that if there is a daughter then there should be a son too? The desire for a son is universal, but in my observation, the psychological burden on mothers of sons is more profound.
Prayers, Paradox, and Unhappiness
Despite fervent prayers for sons, mothers often face unexpected psychological challenges and unhappiness. Here we will explore the contradictions between expectations and reality, particularly during key life events like marriage, uncovering the reasons behind these challenges.
Mothers of sons feel an inexplicable jealousy when their sons show affection to their wives. Despite being the spouse’s responsibility, mothers struggle to accept that their role has shifted. Another reason behind this is that sharing one’s son is not easy, and when they see that, their son is married and now has responsibilities, including children in the future, many husbands start asserting their wives’ demands. This can be challenging for mothers, and it often takes time for them to accept this reality. Also Many mothers reminisce about their times and often advise their sons based on their own experiences. They may say things like, “Your father was not like this; I went through so many difficulties all those years, and now you are doing this with your wife.” They try to encourage their sons to treat their wives according to them, and If the son doesn’t act according to her advice, she assumes that he is not following their guidance, saying things like, “You will regret not listening to our advice. You will see, your wife will dominate you, mark my words,” etc.
Post-Marriage Expectations:
Mothers of sons often relinquish their responsibilities, expecting daughters-in-law to bear the burden of household chores. Sons’ mothers often recall the memory that they spent several years of their lives doing chores in their in-laws’ house, managing such a large household or joint family system. Now that a daughter-in-law has arrived, she should take care of all these tasks. Why should we help? We have done enough work over the years. Now it’s her home; let her manage it. In contrast, mothers of daughters understand that their daughters will get married, and even after marriage the mothers of daughters, will continue contributing to their homes and there is no competition in their minds
Acceptance of Circumstances:
Mothers of daughters embrace their daughters’ happiness within their new homes, understanding that their daughters have to establish their own lives, she has to settle with their in-law or with her husband. In the same scenario If a boy tries to adjust, society tends to have the mindset that it’s the girl who should make adjustments. The concept of adjustment is often not associated with boys, and if a boy does try, he may be labeled as subservient or henpecked.
In contrast, mothers of sons find it challenging to relinquish control, resulting in strained relationships.
Childbirth Narratives:
In the case of childbirth, we often encounter the problem that postpartum depression is not acknowledged in our society. People tend to believe that postpartum depression is not a real thing, and they fail to understand the pain of one woman for another. Usually, when your daughter-in-law is going through this phase, especially during pregnancy and postpartum days, elders casually mention how they also had children, implying that managing everything is not such a big deal. If your mother-in-law once was a working women in past, you might also hear statements like, “We managed a job and had children and also handled the in-laws, if you’re doing so it is nothing extraordinary. These types of statements create an environment of misunderstanding. On the opposite site, being daughters mothers, we cannot even think of such a thing for our daughters. This is a trend in Asian culture where, when our daughter has a child, we immediately go to her and bring her and her child to our home. We spend the entire postpartum period there, and there are no expectations from our daughters in return or there is no stress either we do it with joy and wholeheartedly.
Changing Family Dynamics:
Traditionally, grandparents played a pivotal role in raising their Grandchildren. But now the trend has changed. In today’s era, if a son expects his mother to look after or take care of his children, he is often blamed for sheltering them from the responsibilities typically associated with parents. Parents often taunt their children, especially their sons, saying, “We raised you, provided for you, and now our job is done. It is time for you to take care of yourself, and your children you cannot bound us, and if you’re doing so it means that you’re using us. On the contrary, mothers of daughters do not harbor such frustrations; instead, they find joy in witnessing their grandchildren. Daughters easily leave their children in their parents’ homes, go to their jobs and for outings, and explore various places, but they don’t expect the same favor from their mothers-in-law. While there are rare cases of cooperative mothers-in-law, more often than not, the prevalent scenario involves mothers of sons experiencing heightened frustration, stress, or jealousy.
Conclusion
In summary, mothers of sons face distinct psychological challenges rooted in cultural expectations, societal norms, and clashes between tradition and modernity. Every son’s mother is not the same; some people do not experience frustration or jealousy. Society has become more advanced and educated, and awareness has increased. However, certain attitudes and behaviors persist in some corners.
The points mentioned above aim to emphasize that mothers of sons also need to overcome frustration and psychological issues. Just like daughters, sons also have their lives. It is not to say that every mother is like this, but yes, there are still some women with such attitudes.
Hope we break free from this typical mentality and build a good family because a good family is what makes a good society.
