The inherent danger of external validation
Oh yes, our pesky desire for external validation starts rather early in life unfortunately. In fact, from the very beginning of our lives, we form a complete dependence and reliance on external validation. As babies and children we rely on it to learn appropriate ways to behave. Then as we grow, validation is part of wider acceptance amongst friends, peers families and our co-workers.
However, problems occur when outside approval becomes the be all and end all. Your only way to feel good about and value yourself.
I remember a significant, past relationship of mine. It was an intense and passionate connection and this man made me feel out of this world. He told me on a daily basis how sexy, gorgeous and beautiful he found me and I completely lapped it up.
I felt on top of the world every time I received a message from him telling me all these wonderful things he thought of me and receiving them became like a drug. I’d experience an instant high. I could literally feel myself glowing. One of the many problem with drugs and highs is that what goes up, ultimately has to come down and rather than just come down, I would plummet rapidly. I became obsessed with hearing from him and receiving that next, admittedly subjective compliment.
Ultimately the relationship ended and I entered a period of intense bereavement. I really felt this loss. Without this daily validation, my sense of self-worth seemed to completely desert me and it occured to me that I looked outwards for approval and validation in so many areas of my life.
Herein lies the inherent danger of relying on external validation. When your external environment or relationship ultimately and predictably changes or ends, then the foundations you’re basing your self-worth on become extremely shaky and unpredictable.
So, I had to, and still do to this day, practise the 3 steps below to ensure that where I am placing my sense of identity, safety and well-being is in my own hands.
1. Really get to know and understand yourself
Take steps to rediscover and move closer to the core of your being. This is the only truly safe place to call home. Spend time with yourself, practise daily habits of self-care, whatever they may be and whatever works for you! Tell yourself you love yourself until you believe it and don’t compare yourself to anyone.
Do whatever it takes for you to look at yourself in the mirror and really feel you understand and accept who you are, what makes you tick, what you like, don’t like, what you accept and don’t accept and then make it a daily habit to check in with yourself and ensure you make daily choices that align with who you are.
2. Let go
Attaching ourselves to anything or anyone means that we then have a reliance on an outcome. It’s not necessarily that having an expectation is a bad thing. It’s human nature to expect people to treat us with kindness and respect (as long as we’re practising the same things of course!). However if we do, we also need to be prepared that things may not always turn out the way we want, no matter how badly we want them to. If we’ve attached a meaning or value about ourselves to a certain situation or outcome and things don’t work out, we can be left feeling invalidated or not good enough.
So if you don’t get that job you really wanted, don’t think it’s because “I’m not good enough/clever enough/experienced enough. Instead let go out the outcome you wanted and try thinking “there’s a better job waiting for me!”
If you don’t end up being able to buy the house you’ve desperately fallen in love with, let go of the outcome and try thinking “there’s a better house out there for me!”
If you don’t end up with the person you thought you would, let go of the outcome and try thinking “there’s someone else out there perfect for me!”
3. Create your own reality
We create our experiences and reality with our thoughts. So when we place our reality and sense of self at the mercy of other people’s thoughts, opinions and actions, guess what can potentially happen?!
So our reality and experiences can really only be created, built and maintained by a reliance on our own thoughts. So, guess what, make sure those thoughts are positive ones! That doesn’t mean not acknowledging our mistakes or recognising when we could have done better or should have done something differently. It’s about recognising the inherent lesson for us in everything, being aware of this and deciding to move forwards confidently.
So, if you get a bad review at work, listen to the feedback, choose to see it as constructive, believe in your ability to grow and make a conscious decision to move forwards confidently.
I know, I know, some of these things are easier said than done I grant you. But when something doesn’t feel easy or comfortable, practise doing it until it is.
I can guarantee you, your sense of self worth and confidence is much safer in your own hands than anyone else’s.
xx
